Topic is Sleeping.
Breachoftrust (original poster member #66252) posted at 2:34 PM on Saturday, December 24th, 2022
I have made it a point to let my WH know what my needs are so there is no confusion. He has put forth no effort. I was just informed that he got me nothing for Christmas. I gave a few ideas and he let the kids pick one each to get me something. So, I will have something to open. From him though, he said he thought I'd like a massage but he didn't know where I wanted to go. So, I can just call myself. I think he WANTS me to leave him.
I know no one has answers for me and only I can decide...I just needed to vent. Thank you for listening.
Married 19 years, together 24. 3 children. DD1 2/21/18. DD2 6/7/18 EA. BS 49, WH 50.
DD3 3/30/22 PA
Actions prove who someone is; words prove who someone wants to be.
ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 4:04 PM on Saturday, December 24th, 2022
Ugh.. I'm sorry. I don't think there's anything to be gained by avoiding conflict on this though. If you don't confront, he can always console himself with the thought that you didn't say anything. All you're really asking for is that he think about you. That's not much to ask.
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:15 PM on Saturday, December 24th, 2022
I am so sorry. My WS did the same— I got gifts but generic thoughtless ones. I realized he no longer cared at all- not even at a friend level.
Just sucks.
Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 12:31 PM on Sunday, December 25th, 2022
Jeez - where to start
First thought is he is telling you: "EFF YOU!"
If he cared for you - he would at least get you something of a personal nature.
Fundamentally - getting your children to get you a gift and then telling you to get yourself a gift.
To me, that says he doesn't give a "what birds leave where they were perching when they take flight."
Why Stay with this person?
As a child who grew up sans "parents" - I don't buy one whit "I'm Staying for The Children" - why? so you can show them what to expect when THEY get married? (if they do?)
[This message edited by Hippo16 at 12:32 PM, Sunday, December 25th]
There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery."For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce."
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:50 PM on Sunday, December 25th, 2022
He’s not that clueless he couldn’t have figured something out to buy you for Christmas.
He just doesn’t care to make any effort.
Just another sign pointing you in the right direction.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 4:13 PM on Sunday, December 25th, 2022
From him though, he said he thought I'd like a massage but he didn't know where I wanted to go. So, I can just call myself.
If I understood this correctly, he wants you to arrange everything, and he will pay for it? Well then, my dear, find the most expensive, luxurious massage saloon, candles, flowers, champagne, the whole deal! And enjoy it, you deserve it!
On a serious note, this reminded me of the "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink" piece (google it, it’s a good read). You know this is not just about the Christmas gift, it’s only a symptom of a bigger problem. Take care, Breachoftrust!
Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:12 PM on Sunday, December 25th, 2022
If he was smart enough to have an affair, he’s smart enough to figure out how to buy someone a gift.
Sheesh - it’s people like him that make you want to slap some sense into people.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:54 AM, Friday, December 30th]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Breachoftrust (original poster member #66252) posted at 3:43 PM on Thursday, December 29th, 2022
He tried convincing me that we agreed to not get each other gifts. I poked holes in all of his arguments and countered when he tried to turn it back around to be my fault. So, now I sit and question am I wrong, over reacting etc. How does he DO this to me?
He put a gift on the tree yesterday. Gee. Better late than never, right?
Married 19 years, together 24. 3 children. DD1 2/21/18. DD2 6/7/18 EA. BS 49, WH 50.
DD3 3/30/22 PA
Actions prove who someone is; words prove who someone wants to be.
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:17 PM on Thursday, December 29th, 2022
I’m sorry he is acting this way, he is checked out of the M. He is dead weight at this point, he brings nothing to the table.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 10:55 PM on Thursday, December 29th, 2022
Like CT said, Ugh!
So, now I sit and question am I wrong, over reacting etc. How does he DO this to me?
Textbook gaslighting. So sorry you have the misfortune of having this clown-suit for a H. I'm sure you must be excited to open that gift. It's probably something thoughtful - like Skittles. 
Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.
BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 11:51 PM on Thursday, December 29th, 2022
It's easy for the person who has already betrayed the relationship in big ways to minimize the ways they aren't stepping up to repair it in the small ways.
The gaslighting goes something like this: "This is such a little thing. Why are you making such a big deal about it?" The argument is an attempt to minimize and to make it your fault...because, of course, you are the one "making it a big deal."
Yet, if it was so small, why couldn't they just step up and do it? When they already failed in a big way, why also be willing to risk failing us in small ways too?
Is he not willing to step up or is he not capable? It doesn't matter. What he's showing you is that it's not happening. The reason doesn't matter. He's not doing the repair work.
Only you can decide what your move is now.
[This message edited by BreakingBad at 11:52 PM, Thursday, December 29th]
"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:54 AM on Friday, December 30th, 2022
Why do you want to remain married to someone like this ?
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:49 AM on Friday, December 30th, 2022
I poked holes in all of his arguments and countered when he tried to turn it back around to be my fault. So, now I sit and question am I wrong, over reacting etc. How does he DO this to me?
Here is where you lost. You are attempting to reason with a master manipulator. Google DARVO.it might help.
He put a gift on the tree yesterday. Gee. Better late than never, right?
Actually no. After Dday 2, my idiot STBXWW neglected to get me a valentine's gift and asked if it was okay that she forgot. I told her it was not fucking okay and she should have moved earth and heaven to show her contrition. So she went out to buy me cologne. I took hers back and bought my own. People will treat you like you allow yourself to be treated.
Demand things.
[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:03 PM, Friday, December 30th]
I'm an oulier in my positions.
Me:57 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.
Divorced
Topic is Sleeping.
