I am just processing and tend to create situations I can fix, because I can't fix her, but I can fix me.
Ah, a most common pitfall of betrayed spouses. I’m impressed that you’re self aware of this so early on in your journey.
If only it was that easy. Just fix ourselves and everything will be alright.
Yes, we’ve ALL done this to certain degrees especially right after D-Day. We BSs tend to do this early on after D-Day in a desperate, frantic attempt to control the outcome, an outcome we actually have little control over. We want, so badly, for things to return to normal, for the nightmare to end, that we are susceptible of the following:
-Rug Sweeping and Minimizing
-Assumption of blame and responsibility
-Over coaching our WSs
-Manipulating our WSs
-Controlling our WSs
-Being a Helicopter Spouse
And this is all compounded by the fact that the WS wants exactly the same thing. They too want the nightmare to end, to return to normal as quickly as possible. They too want to shift blame unto the BS, they too want to minimize and rug sweep.
The WS and BS become co-conspirators in a cover-up, the epic rug sweep.
But, the body keeps the score. Deep down, instinctively, your subconscious knows that you’re rug sweeping. Your body, mentally and physically, begins to reject this course of action. Your body knows that something is catastrophically wrong and it will not except this. After the denial phase and the hysterical bonding and love bombing wears off, you spend long nights staring at the ceiling wondering WTF just happened, what it all means, who is this person laying next to me, and what am I doing? You have this foreshadowing of unfinished business, loose ends and further plot development.
Reconciliation requires your WS to truly love you, possess empathy and be remorseful.
A truly remorseful WS, once they get up to speed and educate themselves, requires only a bit of guidance from you in the form of feedback and communication of needs. A truly remorseful WS is proactive, takes the initiative and is the guidon of THEIR reconciliation crusade.
You don’t decide to reconcile, they do, and you agree to it, or not.
You can’t hold their hand, you can’t lead them by the nose and, you don’t want to.
You can fix all your flaws, hit the gym, get ripped, cook Epicurious, be a OMGYES premium subscription lover and still, until SHE fixes HER shit, not be out of infidelity.
The only thing you have control over, is you. So, control yourself on over towards wellness, dignity and security and see if she tries to follow.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:58 AM, Tuesday, October 11th]