SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I thought I saw it on a message board here, but I can't figure out how to search the boards to find it again!

I remember seeing a marriage contract that had actions and consequences. Some were non-negotiables that would lead directly to divorce. Others were things with different consequences. For example, the WS attempts to minimize or blameshift, there is a consequence that is implemented for that.

Has anyone seen examples of what I'm talking about? Any links?

Thanks!

I'm not exactly sure what you're looking for. Did you check the articles in The Healing Library??

ETA: Try also the pinned threads in Just Found Out.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:57 PM, Thursday, February 17th]

I have personally never seen anything like you are describing, but I do think it might be a good exercise for you to do on your own. We all have our own boundaries with our own consequences. At least we should. That is healthy and normal after betrayal. It’s also personal. What might be an absolute deal breaker for me, might not be the same as for you, and vice versa. Go ahead and start putting together your list of boundaries and consequences. Feel free to share if you have any doubts, but you really should trust your gut.

I agree with what Underserving said. There was a list of things I gave my FWH when I decided I'd give him a chance. Boundaries, what I needed from him in terms of what would show me he was worth the Herculean effort on my part, how hurt I was, etc.

One was NC. He broke that to "say goodbye". MC said it is textbook WS behavior in early days. I didn't find out about that until weeks later. Bottom line, no piece of paper will compel someone to do what they promise to do if they decide not to do it.

That being said.....I took control of protecting myself. One thing that was huge for me, was a post nuptial agreement. It cost me about $150. I went to an attorney and wrote up what divorce would look like for me. It wasn't immediate, but it was maybe in the first 2-3 months post DDay. At the time, FWH was shocked that I could tell him that I loved him and that I'd work on it.....but also essentially write up a divorce decree. In my mind, it was because he divorced me by having the affair at all....just didn't give me the benefit of knowing about it. Him signing it was a deal breaker for me. It was fair, but it was definitely stacked in my and my kiddo's favor. I didn't want staying for the finances or children as a basis for the hard work we would have to do on us. He signed it.
We're in a MUCH better place now.

We also made a specific plan for how we would handle running into the OW and her BS. It was a double betrayal. That helped A LOT. I needed him to be physically affectionate toward me if we ran into them. Over the top PDA. I and SHE needed to see the choice FWH had made. FWH had no problem with this. It told me a lot.

Hang in there. This absolutely stinks. I'm a week from my 3rd Anti-versary and doing my damnest not to lose my S&it. I'm grateful for how he's grown and our lives now, but it is trigger city.

Boundaries and Consequences? I bumped it in JFO.