SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I met someone a few months ago who immediately put me in the friend zone because I'm still married. I respected that, and we've maintained loose contact since then. We did a hike a few weeks ago, and grabbed a bite another time. We text sporadically. Still completely in the friend zone, and no butterflies on my end. My head is just not there. I'm completely consumed with my divorce.

That said, he is very handsome and has his life together. Last time I saw him, he disclosed he has HSV2. Got it 12 years ago from a woman who did not disclose to him. It came out of the blue and I was not expecting to hear something like that. I'm thinking he told me so that I can have the full picture going forward. And I'm thinking that means he finds me attractive and is not opposed to possibly pursuing something later on down the line. I told him that I really appreciated his honesty, especially after the marriage I had.

I don't judge anyone based on a status like that, especially after going through what I've been through and having two STI scares myself. I also already carry hsv-1, which 9 out of 10 adults do at my age. Same damn thing, really. I've also had unprotected sex, and apparently I've just gotten lucky with other STIs. And I realize that condoms don't prevent all STIs, including this one. The fact that he disclosed said much to me about his character, and I admire him for that.

I don't know him well enough to know if our personalities would do well together in a romantic relationship, and I am months out from being legally divorced, and even further out from being ready to date again. I've just been rolling this over in my head. I would never want to reject somebody based on something they didn't have control over; something that says nothing about their value as a human being. Total abstinence is the only way to protect yourself from getting HSV2, and for most (I think) adults that is just not realistic. So I would hate to exclude this man because of that when he is a decent human in every respect (and super cute! 😁. Then there's the other side of me that has been through so much, that I just don't know if I can handle picking up something I don't already have, and the future dating limitations and stress that would come with that. The good news is, I don't have to decide anything anytime soon, possibly ever if he ends up meeting someone.

There are schools of thought that say you are better off knowing somebody has something, and avoiding activity on certain days, than you are going out there dating and rolling the dice with someone who doesn't disclose, or someone who has it and doesn't know.

Part of what is giving me pause is that my trust in men is zero right now. I would not want to risk an STI with someone who's just going to ghost or betray in a few months, or years. But if he was the one for me, I mean THE one, with solid character and integrity, I wouldn't want him to get away because of a non life threatening skin condition. An annoyance really. I would rather be with a good man who has hsv2, than a shithead who is negative.

Thoughts? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 2:24 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

My ex had it the whole time I was with him. When dating we used condoms and he was VERY good about telling me if he felt an outbreak coming on. Once in a monogamous relationship we stopped using condoms. I never caught it, and apparently neither did his AP.

So if he’s open to talking about it- and it sounds like he is - then it’s totally something you can work around.

I had cervical cancer and carried HPV, so I get it. STIs are no joke.

I had cervical cancer and carried HPV, so I get it.

I've actually had HPV twice (that I know of). The low risk kind. My body cleared it both times. I've heard doctors won't even test for it in people under 30 because "everyone has it.". Most people will have that at least once in their lifetime. But it helps give perspective on other things. Like for me personally, hsv2 is not a big deal. Yet...

I believe the worst thing about hsv2 is the stigma. Things are changing in that regard, but too slowly in my opinion. Like why is it okay to say you get cold sores, but genital herpes people freak out. It's literally the same damn thing just different geography. And yet here I am making this post.

I'm 47 and I have three young kids and a crazy ex-husband. I feel like I'm already nearly undateable 😂. Add hsv2 and I might as well hang it up, because I suspect a good chunk of people in the dating pool would fear it. I realize that may not be the case, but that's where my mind goes... I really hope I'm not offending anyone. My own sister has HSV2 and has been in a long-term happy marriage for 24 years.

My ex had it the whole time I was with him. When dating we used condoms and he was VERY good about telling me if he felt an outbreak coming on. Once in a monogamous relationship we stopped using condoms. I never caught it, and apparently neither did his AP.

Thank you for this, BB.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:10 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

Part of what is giving me pause is that my trust in men is zero right now.

Except me, right? You trust me, right? (important distinction: I am not, and will not ever, try to get down your pants)

Thoughts? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

The impact/risk of most STI's is exaggerated, in my opinion (in fact, my opinion is that "risk" is something that is poorly understood by most people). Also, not all STI's are alike... some are curable (like chlamydia), others are manageable but not curable (like HIV), others are a disaster. (snarky aside: all STIs are difficult to spell, it seems)

My understanding is that HSV1 and HSV2 can be managed effectively. And, while no one can guarantee anything, these can often be managed such that they do not spread to a sexual partner.

My information on this is not up-to-date and my memory is foggy but...

I had a friend (with whom I have not spoken in at least 5 years) who caught HSV from her first husband (who had been cheating). But, I seem to recall that she was able to keep her second husband from contracting it because she could tell when she was going to have an outbreak and they abstained and/or used condoms during outbreaks. I don't even think that she was taking medications, which I think are also now pretty effective at suppressing outbreaks.

(of course, people will tell you that you can spread HSV even when you don't have an outbreak... which is the difference between "possible" and "probable")

My sense is that you might be interested in dating this guy and you want someone to tell you that you aren't crazy (or that you ARE crazy) for considering this guy. My vote is that you aren't crazy for dating him, but each of us has to make our own decisions as far as risk/reward.

I would say... this guy is DEFINITELY NOT a good choice for a random hook-up.

I think we all have our lists of things that we won't put ourselves through or risk dealing with. Mine are any sort of addiction no matter how far in the past. That would be really unfair in many cases and would lead me to missing out on some great men. But it is what it is. HSV2 wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, especially if the guy was so upfront about it. If it is a no for you, that's perfectly okay. We don't bend ourselves into pretzels to please future partners. We are allowed dealbreakers. You aren't even super into this particular guy, so there's zero need whatsoever to bend your personal feelings in this case.

I agree with Dee. If you were crazy about this guy, then you could gloss over the fact that he has HPV2….but although he’s clearly pleasing to the eye (you mention it once or twice ), he couldn’t have made too much of an overall impression if you chose to keep him at arm’s length for all this time.

Bleep, I understand that you are going through a rough patch, what with the divorce, the kids and the end of your relationship, and I can see how you might welcome the attention of a good looking man, but, STI or not, ask yourself if it’s really a good idea to revisit the past. In my experience, it seldom is.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 1:17 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

HSV2 is incredibly common and most people who have it have no symptoms and no clue that they have it.

I found out I have it after XH cheated and got every STD test known to man. I've had it at least 11 years with no outbreaks whatsoever, and I never would have known I had it if not for his cheating and subsequent bloodwork. Standard STD panels don't test for it. You have to request it.

HSV2 is a complete non-issue in my life. Yes, I would date someone with it.

You aren't even super into this particular guy

This is more a me thing. I'm not into anyone right now. If I was interested in dating, I would probably want to get to know him better, as he has the general qualities and appearance that I am attracted to.

would say... this guy is DEFINITELY NOT a good choice for a random hook-up.

Agree, and I'm not really into those anyway.

he couldn’t have made too much of an overall impression if you chose to keep him at arm’s length for all this time.

Well he friendzoned me right away. And the day after he and I met, I had a first date with the man I ended up seeing for 3 months. So that's why he ended up at arm's length.

I'm really not asking what people think I should do. And I'm not making any decisions anyway for quite some time. I'm more curious, from a survey perspective, how other people feel about this. And if anyone has had experience, like bearlybreathing, how they handled it. And what were the results.

ask yourself if it’s really a good idea to revisit the past. In my experience, it seldom is

Don't worry, Karma, I'm not dating anytime soon. I do indeed have enough on my plate right now. I've just been thinking about this here and there. And it's nice to post about something other than my horrific divorce 😂. Scratch that, freeing wonderful divorce!!

HSV2 is a complete non-issue in my life. Yes, I would date someone with it.

Thank you, Jana. This is the kind of info I'm curious about. I've heard where people are bombarded with outbreaks every two weeks. And others like you for whom it is a non-issue. I didn't realize there was such a variety of experiences.

And also, like barcher said, it seems the risk of transmission is very low when precautions are taken.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:34 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

I contracted HSV2 from someone who did not disclose he had it, before marrying WH.

We went over 20 careful years without WH having any signs or testing positive.

OW was none too pleased to be told she'd been exposed, something that apparently WH did not think about or mention. I hope to this day she did catch a doozy of a case, but don't know.

Some years after his A he did end up testing positive, although still has never had symptoms. I figure it's because I wasn't exactly looking to shield him from exposure anymore, or who knows, maybe via another A.

Leaving out the snark, I agree that this guy seems responsible and communicative, and with that type of mature approach to the situation, HSV2 is totally manageable.

Do some research and you will discover that it is really common. With the use of antivirals, virus shedding is almost nil, especially after decades with it.

Herpes has gotten a real stigma attached to it due to a marketing campaign by a pharmaceutical company early one, but it really should not be grouped with other STIs in the same way.

That being said, one should always disclose. Good on him for that. Hell, I'm in my 50s, and at my age, it's a given that a partner will come with something. Bad knees, slipped disk, depression, bag full of meds, etc. Its just life stuff. Hell, I'm well worn as well.

Yup, dating after D. Super fun! Maybe we all need one of those check box questionnaires we get on our first visit to a new doctor...

Thanks everyone for your input. I've done some reading on the subject and like some of you have said, it is indeed very common, and less of an issue the longer a person has it.

The fact that he disclosed to me, so early on, while just friends (not when we were naked in bed, haha), was actually very attractive to me. Here was someone being honest, making himself vulnerable to potential rejection, when it wouldn't benefit him in any way. Funny the things we find desirable in people post infidelity!!

That said, I'm open to whatever with him in the future. I'll probably need to drag myself out of bed though and out of this depression I have fallen into. I'm off work this week and just dropped my kids with their dad this morning. I promptly crawled back into bed and haven't moved since except to eat and use the bathroom. I just feel this weight on me.

Might need to drag my kayak out tomorrow. Or pull my camper somewhere...

Would you date someone with an sti?

If I liked him, butterflies, those day dreams, excited to see him feelings and he disclosed right at the start before anything happen. Yes I would.

Life deals the hardest blows, we changed from infidelity, they changed from a undisclosed sti infected partner. As caged as I know I will be moving forward if someone (that someone who I doubt with all my being now exists) manages to get through my walls and I'm into them I wouldn't reject them for this. I'm owed a chance of love and happiness and so are they, hopefully together if I'm gaga for them.

Whenever you are ready to date - this sounds like a good guy to me.

First off - he friendzoned YOU right away when he found out you are still M. The guy has boundaries.

Secondly - he has shared something very private with you when he had no immediate need too. To me, this is giving you time to understand/explore it before you even get into a position to have to make that decision...or even IF you wanted to move further with him down the line.

This guy sounds like he has some solid character so far.

First off - he friendzoned YOU right away when he found out you are still M. The guy has boundaries

.

Exactly. Boundaries are quite attractive.

This guy sounds like he has some solid character so far.

I believe he does.

LostInHisFog, thank you. I agree completely.

Really glad to read these comments. I found out I had HSV2 after XWH left me. I had the symptoms for a long time (15 years) and thought it was a mild case of shingles (it presented on my lower back). I was in a very physical rebound affair when I realized what it actually was and, long story short SO broke things off. I was heartbroken. I have never transmitted it to anyone, as far as I know. Most people I disclose to (friends usually) have admitted they have it, too. I think it's pretty common or people don't realize they have it because their outbreaks so mild.

I am pretty gun shy, though. I have a companion who knows, but our relationship is not very sexual as he has ED and avoidant attachment issues. I am closing in on 60 and figure that part of my life is over now because I can't bear that kind of rejection again.

Fablegirl, I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you have a companion, and I hope the relationship fulfills you in other ways.

Cute guy and I took a drive to a neighboring town this past weekend, ran an errand, and had lunch together. It was nice. Boundaries are still solid on both sides. He's not a salesman. Doesn't sell himself like a narc. Good sign! If nothing else, I'm making a friend. Although I suspect he is open to something in the future as well. The no pressure aspect is very refreshing.

One of my dating flaws is that try as I may NOT to, I tend to go all in (in my head anyway, playing it cool on the exterior of course). Relationships become all consuming for me way too early on. I don't know why I do that...

This man is an exercise in "slow your roll". I'm liking the dynamic. Funny how life can send us what we need.

I am closing in on 60 and figure that part of my life is over now because I can't bear that kind of rejection again.

Fable, are you talking about rejection due to HSV or rejection in general?

There are online support groups and even dating groups for HSV+ folks. I can point you that way if you're interested.

I got HSV-2 from my H after his affairs. We were already a year into strong R, thank god, when I had my initial outbreak. He didn't know that he had it.

I want to caution you to not minimize it as just a skin condition. My initial outbreak sent me to the ER with meningoencephalitis.

I've had it for 16 years now and every couple of months I can feel an outbreak coming on. The back of my thighs get very sensitive, like a sunburn. My lymph nodes swell, and I get lesions. Up to now, I've been slamming a couple of Valtrex when I felt it coming, but I think menopause might be messing with me, or stress from how crazy the world is right now, and I've started taking Valtrex and L-Lysine prophylactically. Also, sensation in my nether regions is... different. Not bad, but I can't really feel myself pee. It's not incontinence, just lack of sensation.

I think it's great that the man was transparent about it. That's a good sign. But I would want to know how severe his infection is. Is it just something he has and it never rears its ugly head, or does he experience frequent outbreaks?

Also, HSV-2 sheds in the entire "boxer shorts area" so a condom won't necessarily protect you.

13yearsr, wow, I'm sorry you're having such a rough go of it with HSV. Thank you for your candor. It seems you and Jana are at opposite ends of the spectrum, and there is likely 1,000 degrees in between. I also didn't know that it could give you pain in other body parts, like your legs. You mentioned I should ask him how severe it is for him. That doesn't necessarily tell me how severe it will be with me, though, I would think I mean it's all the same virus, but our immune systems deal with it differently it appears. All I know is he gets symptoms maybe twice a year.

The only thing I test positive for is HSV-1, but I'm fairly certain it presented below the belt after D-Day after some aggressive oral sex with STBX (hysterical bonding was in full force). It was beyond the usual raw skin. I went and got tested and still just HSV-1 which I knew I had had for years, even though I never had a cold sore. A few months later a lesser issue down below. 18 months after that, something that look like a pimple, 18 months after that a tingling. And absolutely nothing in 2 years. I get tested annually, and still only type 1. I've read that type 2 recurs more often. Something to think about if it comes to it.

Truth be told, I think I'm going to be enjoying some much needed alone time after my divorce. I'm really enjoying not having to entertain another adult 😂. Looking forward to just cruising and hanging out with my kids for a while. Taking a trip or two with a girlfriend.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:50 PM, July 20th (Tuesday)]