SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well now. It's been... a minute. I don't come on here very much, but I know there were a number of people who followed my story, and I think... I think it's time for an update.

The battle with the ex is far from over. She still lives in my home, but we have developed a schedule where we seldom see each other, and it's worked out well. i work Saturday thru Tuesday during the day, she is out of the house doing her own business on Wednesday, and she works during the day thursday and friday, and she leaves to work the night shift on Saturday and Sunday. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights I spend with my girlfriend. That really only leaves Tuesday and Thursday nights where the ex and I have to interact with any regularity.

I get the kids to school every morning and pick them up three days a week (wed-fri). I handle two of the three days of therapy for my two disabled girls (wed-thurs). I do three days of housework (wed-fri) while the ex does two (mon and tues). The weekends, we rest beyond the essentials. I make dinner five days a week (wed-sun), the ex does the other two. It's... not entirely balanced, but it sort of works. It's an equalibrium, at least.

I am 99.9% certain that I am going to marry my girlfriend. We've talked about it, it's been a year together as of today, and we're both so happy whenever we're together. if I'm not staying with her, we video chat. We have the same goals, the same interests, the same moral sets, it's like holding hands with someone whose fingers perfectly match yours. It's crazy how we just sort of found each other.

I've been waiting for the newness, the honeymoon to wear off and to become, I don't know, indifferent, but while I'm no longer giddy, I feel something different, something stronger and more calm. I love her and she loves me. Unless she is a skilled manipulator who has managed to work me hard over the last year, then I am confident she feels the same. her kids love me, her parents love me, my kids love her, my mom and siblings love her, it's all going great.

The ex decided she was going to move out. She put in an application for a house to rent, thought she was going to get it, and gloated in my face that she was better than me, more successful than me, better equipped to handle everything than me, and then... it fell through. And again. And again. Ten houses so far that she has been denied. I have taken the high road and not thrown it back in her face, and i think she recognizes that, because she has been WAY less combative.

She recently took a six day trip to stay with her lovers in Texas, and it was like heaven. The house ran smoothly, the kids behaved, everything was perfect. I got a chance to see what life was like without her in it, and I liked it a lot.

However, whens he came back, I mentioned that we should, yaknow, actually GET DIVORCED, and she said she wanted to wait until she moved out first because it was going to get contentious and she didn't want to be in the same house, for either of our sakes. I asked what made her say that, and she said because she wanted to move to texas to live with her partners and be a throuple... and she wanted to take the girls with her.

Well, OBVIOUSLY, I am not on board with that. I will accept no less than 50/50, so I will NEVER sign off on her taking the kids halfway across the country to a place they don't know with no other family to support them (my extended family is all they have ever known), away from their schools and friends and the IEPs for my two disabled girls, so on and so forth. She'll have to get a court order, and I don't see that happening.

Frankly, the fact she thinks that a judge would think it's best for the kids to uproot them to go live with an unemployed mother in the home of the people she is in a polygamous relationship with, in a state they do not know and have never been established in, while their employed father with extended family support networks only gets them during the summer is... well, absurd. Add to that that none of the kids want to move to Texas, and the eldest two are vehemently opposed to it, and I think that particular brain worm is sufficiently squashed in the larval stage. Regardless, I have already asked my extended family that, if it comes to it, can they help me pay for a lawyer to fight on my behalf, and they said yes.

On a high note, my girlfriend's parents own a HUGE house that is just too big for them at their age, just the two of them, and they want out from under it. They offered for us to take over their mortgage and move in to the 8 bed, 4 bath, 3 kitchen, and 4 family room house with a full woodshop basement as soon as they find a place in their desired town (other side of the county), and I am so down. The remaining mortgage is roughly what I owe left on the house I'm in right now, and I would willingly sign it all over to the ex to move out and into a house that could comfortably house all of my kids, and my girlfriend's kids as well.

In any case... I feel like this drama saga, while not yet over, is entering its endgame. Things are looking up, life is moving on, and I can see the light at the end of this incredibly fucked up tunnel of adultery.

Incarnate, it's great to see this update from you. There is a lot of good here and you sound much stronger and healthier.

Two things -

Why do you need her permission to file the D paperwork? Why do you have to do things on her timeline? I highly suggest you ignore her and proceed without her input. Partially because it's what you want and she has forfeited her right to run the show. Partially because you are in a VERY delicate situation right now. She is legally allowed to grab the kids and run. There would be nothing you could do to stop her and as soon as she crosses state lines and lays down roots, you are at a MASSIVE disadvantage in getting your kids back. This is how people through no fault of their own can go YEARS without seeing their kids. You are leaving yourself completely vulnerable to her right now and in fact, I can't help but wonder if she accidentally let it slip that she may do this when she said this:

I asked what made her say that, and she said because she wanted to move to texas to live with her partners and be a throuple... and she wanted to take the girls with her.

What sense would it make for her to buy a house locally, move out, and then pack everything to move again in a few months? It sounds more likely that she is still figuring out how to pick up the kids and go whether she has permission from you and the courts or not. Don't count on her being charitable and agreeing to play fair by going about this the right way when it has a high likelihood of failing. Protect yourself.

I've been waiting for the newness, the honeymoon to wear off and to become, I don't know, indifferent, but while I'm no longer giddy, I feel something different, something stronger and more calm. I love her and she loves me. Unless she is a skilled manipulator who has managed to work me hard over the last year, then I am confident she feels the same. her kids love me, her parents love me, my kids love her, my mom and siblings love her, it's all going great.

This is great and even though she's probably a decent person, slow down. It's only been a year. You're not even divorced yet. It's okay to want to marry her but wait a couple more years before you actually go through with it even if your D is final 6 months from now. With 5 kids, you have to take things even slower. They will still be reeling from the D while you're tying the knot and moving her in. They need a little more time to process this even if you don't. If this relationship is right for you, there is no good reason to rush it.

@nekonamida;

I do appreciate all of your concerns, and I absolutely agree. I've told my girlfriend that we're not going to be jumping headlong into marriage, and I want to wait, to live together for a while, and make sure it's something that both of us and our kids are good with first. It has, after all, only been a year. One hell of a year, what with Covid and all, but nevertheless, only a year.

one thing though;

She is legally allowed to grab the kids and run. There would be nothing you could do to stop her and as soon as she crosses state lines and lays down roots, you are at a MASSIVE disadvantage in getting your kids back.

This isn't entirely accurate. I just looked up the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA), which is active and has been adopted by all 50 states and DC. It makes it VERY clear that she is NOT legally allowed to just run off with the kids without a court custody order, just as I am not, and furthermore, there are several criteria the courts have to follow;

(...) a state may make a custody decision about a child if 1 of the following is true:

- The state is the child’s “home” state. This means the child has lived in the state for the last 6 months, or was living in the state but is not there because a parent took the child or kept him or her out of the state.

- The child has significant connections with people in the state, such as teachers, doctors, and grandparents. It can be proven that the child’s care, protection, training, and personal relationships are based there.

- The child is in the state and either has been abandoned or is in danger of being abused or neglected if sent back to the other state.

- No other state can meet 1 of the 3 tests listed above, or a state can meet at least 1 of the tests but has declined to make a custody decision.

Now, I'm not saying it's going to be an easy ride or that she would not TRY to take the kids, but 1: my eldest and fourth daughter have made it VERY clear that they do NOT want to leave California and go to Texas to live with their mother's paramours, and 2: I trust that they would come to me if their mother tried to take the other three.

But you are absolutely right. I do not have to wait for her permission to file for divorce. I do know, however, shit is going to get real when I do.

Pardon my french.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 5:19 PM, June 4th (Friday)]

This isn't entirely accurate. I just looked up the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA), which is active and has been adopted by all 50 states and DC. It makes it VERY clear that she is NOT legally allowed to just run off with the kids without a court custody order, just as I am not, and furthermore, there are several criteria the courts have to follow;

Yes, this is true. However, it's not going to protect you if you come home to all or some of your children missing. I highly recommend you Google stories of parental kidnapping to see what I mean.

Let's just pretend for a second you come home to eldest and fourth daughter home alone who say your WW left some time ago with your other children. Maybe they couldn't get ahold of you. Maybe WW took their phones to prevent them from calling you. So what now? The police can only do something if they're still in town. The state police can only do something if they're still in state. Some times the police are hesitant to act. What if she's fleeing because you are dangerous? What if she had permission to take the kids and you're just now changing your mind to get back at her? Some police will tell you there's nothing they can do because she's the mom and she's allowed to take her kids with her out of town. At best, you will get an Amber alert put out if the police believe you and are sympathetic. But that only goes so far and she could already be outside of the coverage zone.

Ok, so what now? You have to go through the courts. You can't serve her locally because she no longer lives locally. You have to spring for her to be served in Texas if you know where she may be. Can't serve her, can't bring her to task for illegally taking the children out of state. That's why when this happens, it can take months to YEARS for the afflicted parent to get their kids back. Because you're not just dealing with the courts locally. You're relying on interstate communication. You're relying on multiple sets of bureaucracy to straighten it out. Maybe the relevant departments are good where you live but will the ones in Texas care? Especially when your WW can spin a tail of how awful and abusive you've been to her as to why she had to do this?

Like I said - look it up. See how this happens. Ask yourself if you want to take the chance. I don't think it's likely that your WW would do this but if it were me, I wouldn't want to take that risk even if it was only 5%, 2%, 1% likely to happen because I wouldn't want to deal with the consequences. If filing for D now has legal advantages in the unlikely event she decides to pull a stunt like this, it's something to think about. Even if you go so far as asking a lawyer what he thinks you should do.

Incarnate me old chum! Good to see you and very happy to hear that you're doing well!

I'm gonna second Neko on saying you should just file. No need to wait for your stbxww to start behaving like a reasonable adult. At least get the ball rolling.

I agree with the others, just file! It's the start of everything and will be filed and temporary court orders will atleast be in place. Her response will be the same if you file today or in a month. If money is a factor, maybe your extended family can help out?

Glad to hear you're doing good dude!

You have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain by filing for D NOW. Consult a D attorney immediately, she has told you it would be a "contentious" D, aka it's going to get ugly, so don't do it when it's convenient for her, get her off balance, throw a wrench in her plans and strike first, typically the one who files has more control of the D process. Have her served WITHOUT warning to prevent her from doing anything stupid before, like running away and not give you an address in TX.

Sup Incarnate- its been awhile.

I do agree with the others. If you have not filed for D, there is not custody order in place. So your WW can take the kids, she can just call it vacation. When you have filed for D, there is a custody order that will outline your time and your exes time with the kids, and she would be in a bad place if she decided to take the kids after you file and not return them to california. It would actually help your situation if she did so.

So go ahead bud, and file for D. No more waiting to rip off the bandaid.

Well.

I printed out all of the paperwork off of the ca.gov website, as well as another form for whateveritis anti-abduction don't leave the state order. I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, but a lot of the legalese makes not a lot of sense to me. I've got an ex co-worker who is more familiar with legal documents who is gonna go over it with me this coming weekend.

Here we go, I suppose. Shit's gonna get messy.

Here we go, I suppose. Shit's gonna get messy.

You were never going to avoid that part, sadly. Shit does tend to get messy when the official divorce part gets going.

Here we go, I suppose. Shit's gonna get messy.

Well...this is true...but when you gotta go, you gotta go. You can't make youself sick holding it in to avoid the mess.

And right now, your STBXWW seems to be enjoying her comfort zone a bit too much. She doesn't get to be Father Time here. If you are ready to file, file.

I'm super glad to hear you are doing well and surviving infidelity.

And

FWIW, Neko makes a VERY good point.

Your WW takes the kids to TX.

Then what can you do?

Cuz I'll damn near guarantee you that the police are not going to get involved unless there is a court order.

Now, it may anger a judge... WHEN your case gets in front of one. And that can take months even when we aren't coming out of a pandemic and whatever backlog there may be.

You don't need your friend to look over the legal stuff.

You need a LAWYER, and not just any lawyer, but one who does divorce (trust me, it's pretty unlikely that your tax atty will be able to understand the nuances of the UCCJEA or, more importantly, know how that process actually works in your area or where your STBXWW wants to move). In addition, jurisdictional custody disputes are not that common, so you are MUCH better off nipping it in the bud and filing BEFORE she (or really your kids) step ONE FOOT outside of your home state, rather than waiting. Because if you don't file until after she's taken the kids, you not only need a divorce attorney, but one that has experience in UCCJEA, which WILL cost you A LOT more money in the long run AND you may likely have to hire in BOTH your home state and TX.

If it's "gonna get real", you might as well bite the bullet and get accurate info from a trained professional (yeah, it sucks to have to dole out the $$ for it.... but sucks more to have to spend even more bc you are fighting things in another state... and sucks even more to be away from your kids for x days/weeks/months until you get a court order AND get it enforced)

Here we go, I suppose. Shit's gonna get messy.

It'll be a lot less messy than dealing with it after she took the kids on a "Vacation" to Texas and doesn't return. From what you wrote, that seems to be the direction she has been headed. Getting something filed first lessens her ability to control the jurisdiction.

Good to hear from you again, Incarnate. Protect yourself and protect your kids. Be proactive and get it done.

Any updates? And just to echo everyone else, you absolutely DO need a lawyer!