I have read a lot of responses to a post I made, which I am very grateful to you all for giving input and advice. I have also been researching and reading on this subject for 2 years now.
Everyone's situation is different and the more I look into things, the more I realise that affairs can happen for so many reasons. In short, it is complicated and never as black and white as it may appear.
Here is why I was unhappy:
1 I have spent 10+ years being the model husband and father. I always said to my wife to follow her passions in life and I would always support her and the kids. But she has never done anything with that. Never tried to get a job. Never taken up a hobby. Never actually earned a cent since we met. And I was fine with that, I just wanted her to be happy. But she just does nothing at all. No ambition to do anything. I've tried to encourage her and help her, but dang, she gives up on everything so quickly.
2 I bought us a new house. On top of working long hours, I do all the cleaning in this house. I do all the tidying after the kids. I do all the grocery shopping. All the labor around the house. She cooks as she does not like my dishes. But other than this. She doesn't lift a finger. I don't even know what she does with her time
3 She never liked my friends, so I never see them anymore as it always seems to cause arguments when I do. Same for my family. She has no friends of her own. We have no social life. All she wants is to spend time with the kids. I feel isolated, controlled and lonely.
4 She just wants to watch TV nite after nite. We watch crap on cable instead of talking or connecting. I told her I didn't want that, wanted more. To talk, to laugh, play games. It fell on deaf ears. I feel lonely even when she is there in person.
5 We sleep together, but though I have told her what I would like in bed and asked her how I can make it great for her, it is the same routine every single time. No variety. And my words fall on deaf ears again. I got to the point where I almost wanted to avoid sex altogether
6 Her family have always been pretty off with me - even though I did everything I could to make her happy. It was never good enough. They badmouth me all the time and she never stood up for me.
7 She won't let me parent. I try and put rules in place. But she ignores and lets them ignore every single one. The kids are out of control at times and not well behaved. It is a constant source of tension in the house. The kids see me as the bad guy cause I just think we need to set boundaries.
8 She stopped exercising - OK this is a little contentious. But whilst my wife is very attractive, she just stopped working out and started eating junk. She put on weight and does not seem to want to lose it. It is not even the weight or how she looks so much as what that represents. That is what I find most unattractive. I work out 4 times a week - up at 6am so does not get in way of work or chores. Not sure what she is doing
9 She was messaging guys a long time before my A. She would talk to them on IM or social and it was not platonic content.
10 She lies a lot. Sometimes about stupid things, sometimes about bigger things. I know she does, but she gets angry when confronted.
11 We never do anything, go anywhere, have any quality time together. We had kids and she seemed to give up on marriage and go all in on being a mom. I told her there needs to be balance, times where we were mom and dad and times when it was me and her, a couple. There is no balance.
12 She stopped sharing any interests with me. She is immersed in her own world and with the kids. I often feel like a walking wallet and often very unappreciated. I have no space for myself as she wants to kids around us 24/7. We have no space for a marriage.
I have tried talking to her and being open. I have had therapy for years to work through all this. Many people tell me she seems depressed, but she is pretty happy most days and says this is the life she wants. She does not need friends or a job.
My A did not come out of left field. I was lonely and unhappy. I know this seems like justifying my actions, I suppose it is. It know it was wrong and I should have just left. Not tried to have it all. That was unfair and cruel. I try to make it work with BS. I try and talk to her. I want to be happy. I want to get over AP. But dang, sometimes I wonder if I made the right call if this is how I still feel. That is hard to deal with the question of what if I would have been happier with AP. Yes, the grass is greenest where you water it, but sometimes that patch of grass seems like it's on a very steep hill.
Does this resonate with anyone?
[This message edited by Comesinwaves at 12:10 PM, January 28th (Thursday)]