SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

I lost my husband this year after a long battle with cancer. And one of the things he made me promise to him, over and over, was to find someone else to love. Even while he was dying he was concerned about my future happiness.

But I realize now that I am absolutely terrified of being single again in today's world. I am worried that, when I do put myself out there, I am just going to compare everyone with him. And that is a comparison that all will fail. I am a bit different as the infidelity in my life happened before I met my late husband.

But the scars are still there. It takes a LOT to earn my trust. And, despite being 60 years old, I am still an attractive woman. I have stayed in great shape - I certainly do not look my age. And I still turn heads in public. But I have NO idea how to date anymore and no idea how to find a new partner without trying to compare them to my late husband.

I have never tried online dating (it was obviously WAY before my time!), I will never date someone I work with and I just do not know how to meet quality people anymore. I do not hang out in bars, my friends are all long time married couples and I just do not go anywhere to meet anyone new.

So - any advice on how to navigate the world of dating and relationships in this day and age? I am quite lost. And my dating pool is larger than most as I am bisexual. But I have NO clue how to go about dating anymore.

Any and all advice and/or suggestions would be most welcome.

Thanks in advance...

I'm so sorry for your loss, NeverTwice.

I have not dated in over 50 years, so I have no dating advice for you at all, let alone how to navigate today's options. You are so new to this, having lost your H in the past 6 months, and you sound lonely and eager to get into it, but the suggestion I would have is to take your time with this. Also, have you done any counseling, even specifically grief counseling? Counseling could help you with your fears about comparisons and other things also.

I wish you luck getting there. ((((Hugs)))) There are a number of us here who may be interested in learning about dating today with/through you.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

You have a LOT to process after such a long happy marriage. I was mid-50s when I divorced ten years ago, and had the same terror of being alone.

I'm happy to say that after long stretches of time getting to know myself, I'm happy just being me without a partner. My life is very satisfying just as it is.

I've had a couple of flings, one with someone much younger, and THAT was a delicious life-affirming Mrs Robinson moment! But no relationship has transpired YET, and I'm ok with it.

This is your time to find that Woman You Used to Be (before relationships) and get to know and love her.

I can honestly say that the work I've done in this regard is really quite rewarding. I'm happy in my own skin for the first time in a really long time.

You'll figure it out if you let go of the pressure of the expectations of others, including your dear departed.

What kinds of things were you passionate about outside of relationships? Make a list, and go for it. I did a residency at the Banff Centre and made 30 new musical friends, they are all much younger and doing so many interesting things. I love being around young folks, not having had kids of my own, their energy gives me energy.

I went back to school (more young folks), finished a degree and got an MA, put out an album of original music, started performing again, and having some grand adventures including a bucket list trip last year that made some beautiful new memories (including that delicious fling with a beautiful human...).

You'll figure it out in time, but you're just barely out of the gate here, so chill a bit and make that list. You won't regret giving yourself that time.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:13 AM, July 1st (Wednesday)]

You have had a tough time.

My first thought is - there is no rush. Giving yourself time to heal and greave is important.

My next thought is - the fact you had such a wonderful husband gives you protection. You are not going to put up with any nonsense from a new man/woman.

Being alone for the first time is scary.

Making single supportive friends is important. I don't know what interests you may have, but joining some activity groups to get you out and make new friends is good.

Maybe, after a while consider online dating. It's not easy finding a potential mate these days. But there are good people. I'm Irish and lived in various countries over the years. It took me a while but eventually I met a Portuguese American while in Southern Portugal - my large dog was trying to pull me over the side of the marina?! We have been together 3 years. If someone had told me 10 years ago I would adopt a huge dog, meet a man and end up living on the side of a hill in the Algarve I would have called them crazy!

I suppose what I am saying is lay the foundation for friendships which will provide good emotional support. When you are feeling stronger and more confident, you can dip your toe into the dating world.

Thank you everyone for you words of sympathy and encouragement.

thebighurt - Yes - I have a therapist who specializes in grief. She has been absolutely wonderful.

JanaGreen - thank you. He was a wonderful man and I miss him terribly.

FaithFool - thank you and I agree. I am going to be the best version of me!

Bakctosayhi - I agree. No hurry at all.

I am SO not in tune with what dating has become, hookup culture ands online dating in general. It is intimidating to say the least.

But I have a lot going on for me. Hopefully there is another someone out there I can share the autumn of my life with. But, if not, I will be just fine on my own.

Thanks everyone!

I am worried that, when I do put myself out there, I am just going to compare everyone with him. And that is a comparison that all will fail.

I have this conversation A LOT with my friend. Her H passed away and she has no desire to date or even try. She said they broke the mold when they made him and no one will EVER measure up by comparison.

I understand that and she was very blessed in her M.

Like you - she has SOOO much to offer. I hate to see her so closed off.

My advice to her was not to go looking for another him. Try starting out with just looking for someone who you truly enjoy their companionship and go from there. It doesn't have to be the perfect person to be happy again. Just someone you really like sharing time with.

Baby steps NeverTwice.

I am so sorry about your loss.

EvenKeel,

My advice to her was not to go looking for another him. Try starting out with just looking for someone who you truly enjoy their companionship and go from there. It doesn't have to be the perfect person to be happy again. Just someone you really like sharing time with.

I think you are right. No one will ever live up to the standard he set. The man loved me unconditionally. And that is SO rare. And no one will ever compare to him. So I need to follow your advice and find another guy/girl that makes me laugh and whose companionship I desire.

Thank you so much for the encouraging words.

My advice would be to just do things that you enjoy and let things happen naturally. For me that was local music - I went to a local open mic night that I had gone to in the past. I knew a few regulars so I felt secure and I loved listening to the various music acts - got me out of my house and my head! Within a few months, I had made many new friends both male and female. After a couple of years and a false R, I met my SO through these musicians. I have a whole new circle of friends that I love. Another friend of mine joined a ski club and met someone after awhile through those friends.

Enjoy this time...you deserve it after all you have been through...{{{{NeverTwice}}}}

LoveTKO,

Thank you for the encouraging words! But at my age (60) I am not going to be hanging out with a lot of musicians - simply die to the age difference.

And, while I am up for a fling with a younger man/woman, I would never consider entering a serious relationship with someone very far outside my age range.

I guess I will have to enter the age of OLD just to meet new people. So I guess I need to adjust!

Thank you again!

Regarding online dating:

You can fairly easily build a profile on your chosen site or app that has no pictures or identifying information from you, but that will allow you to browse the profiles regardless.

If/when you feel ready to cross that bridge, that may be a good way to start. Just to get a sense of who the men are in your area and what they're all about.

I'm more than confident the people here can also clue you in to alllllll the red flags, what to avoid, etc.!

Thank you for the encouraging words! But at my age (60) I am not going to be hanging out with a lot of musicians - simply die to the age difference.

If it is not your thing then I understand but there are plenty of musicians in your age group that perform out. You would be surprised.

Well,

You would be surprised.

Maybe I will give it a shot!

Right about now my libido is starting to scream at me for being neglected. When I do find someone I like? They are gonna get a workout 💖💖

Thanks!