SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been with my SO 10 years this July. We don't co-habitate (mutual choice) but we spend a lot of time together, vacation together, etc. We really enjoy being together.

The pandemic has meant we haven't seen each other for a month, but we speak on the phone at least once daily and send emails during the day.

He is 69; I am 58. We discussed the age difference early on and it doesn't matter. He is very healthy and active, as am I. He had 4 children with his former spouse; I have 2 with mine. His two youngest and my two are close in age.

He asked me tonight to be his executor, take his dog and administrate his estate should he die. He had redone his will because he is concerned about the pandemic. I understand his concern. I will be more than willing to fulfill this responsibility, but I am concerned about dealing with his family issues. None of his children live in the area (hence the request), but his former spouse does and I would go through her to inform his children of any issue with their father. I think that is only respectful, although I have never met her or had any contact with her. They do not communicate.

Any thoughts on how to deal with this should it be an issue? I am flying by the seat of my pants here.

Cat

Have you met his children? I would assume after 10 year yes, but maybe not. Since they are adults I see no reason to use their mother as a central contact. Is there a reason you would not contact them directly?

Feel complimented. He trusts you implicitly.

You are his partner whether you live together or not.

It's complicated. Sigh.

I've met the two youngest. Not met either of the older kids. Three of the four (including the two oldest) live abroad; the one that doesn't lives across the country. I'm the only one local. To say the relationships (with the exception of his youngest) are strained is putting it mildly. The divorce, while contentious, did not involve any third parties and I came on the scene 2 years after separation and nearly 1.5 years after the divorce was final. He was on his own, living in his own home, long before I came along. Not that it always makes things easier, and I have empathy for his ex. He always refers to her as a "fine woman, but just not the woman for me." But the children, all emancipated before the divorce, have taken it very hard. I understand--I really do.

I know his wishes and would carry them out if necessary. Those are unlikely to fly with his children, but it's what he wants. Hence perhaps seeking to use their mother as a buffer. She might stir the pot, though. I just don't know.

Hopefully I'm just borrowing trouble and we won't need to address this for years to come. But these are strange times.

We had talked about this several times, and it was always indicated that he was going to have his adult daughter as the executor; however, she moved across country and no longer is in contact with him. I know this hurts him terribly.

I'll step up. I don't want this (I'm sure the children will see me as the money-grubbing girlfriend, but that is so far beyond the truth), but I'll do it. He's my fellow. He deserves to have his estate looked after by someone who truly loves him, someone who was with him when he acquired so much of what he has and someone who will look after the disposal of his mortal life with love and caring. The kids can have anything they want. I won't keep anything from them. There is very little he has that I would want to have for myself; I think he would want me to auction everything and split the gains as he has dictated. I'm good with that.

He's a good man. He doesn't deserve this. He may have done things he now regrets with regards to his marriage (and as his first serious post-marriage relationship, we talked about this a lot), but he doesn't merit this treatment from his children. He has always been a loving and kind person. I am very lucky to have him in my life. I will carry out his wishes to the letter, and what he doesn't specify, I'll make the decisions I think he would make. And I think he would be happy with my choices.

Cat

It is unfortunate that when someone dies often there are those relatives who swarm like hungry sharks. The executor is usually the target even when the will spells out exactly what the person wants.

My thoughts are that he trusts and loves you very much. Bottom line. That is a huge compliment. Would he be willing to including with his will an open letter to his family stating that this is his choice, these are his wishes, and they are based on minimal contact with some of his children and the physical distance of another? That might allow the family, if they were inclined to be angry, to not use you as a target of that anger.

I also feel that there has to be a better way than going through his xw to deal with the children. Maybe allowing you to hire an attorney from the estate funds to make necessary contact and obtain necessary signatures from them etc.

He should be letting his children and ex know that he has made the changes himself. It should be at least a phone conversation, so that they are hearing it directly from him,in good mind and health. It also allows for any questions to be answered by him directly.

I was guessing it was complicated.

I like the idea of him contacting them in some manner so they have realistic expectations. Your administration job would be much easier if their expectations match his wishes.

Another option, though it is more money, is a living trust. You would likely still help dispose of the basic items, but an attorney could handle the actual money dispersion. In a contentious situation having someone else being responsible for handling the money can be a good thing.

I have seen both side. I had an Uncle who likely should have ended up in jail for his handling of my Grandmothers estate and I have seen another where there were threats of suing the executor to try and get their way even though it was completely clear this did not match what was in the will.

One way to help keep this under control is to have a clause that allows the executors legal fees to be paid out of the suing persons share if they do not win the case (prove negligence).

I'm not trying to scare you, but this can be a very volatile situation.

SO IS an attorney, so I know he's thought of all of these things. I will suggest a letter that they can all receive that would outline his wishes. I don't think that would do anything other than rile their anger, though.

His estate is quite modest--it's not about the money as much as it is likely about the control.

Cat

I used to do marathon training with an estate lawyer, think many miles/minutes running. The stories he would tell could make your toes curl, and I work in an ICU!!! He clearly trusts you, you will do awesome. Through the years, all the input you have given has been so calm and logical, you are clearly the right choice.

I had a friend whose parent's did it this way. They allocated each children $xxxx money to be used AT THEIR AUCTION.

They also had 4 grown children so this allowed the children to bid on what meant most to them. In every single case it was not anything of monetary value....it was all sentimental (holiday dish that their mom only used for cranberry salad, their christening gown, etc).

It was a private auction with the kids only. This gave the kids control of what they wanted.

THEN whatever remained went to public auction and was split.

I thought that was an interesting idea.

Like everyone said - folks become vultures after there is a death. Maybe you won't have that since his children are spread all over and not close but you never know.

I would agree as long as it is all spelled out VERY clearly and takes you out of the role of who gets what incase there is sibling issues.

NOW.....let me say.....HOLYCATZ....TEN years? Really? I remember when your garage door broke. lol!

And everyone is right. You will be great as executor.

Ten years--I can barely believe it myself. Been a wonderful journey with a really great person.

I'll be glad when this is over so we can see each other again.

If it was me, I would have an attorney be the executor. It may be pricey but I have seen the fallout of something like this, and it was horrific. The potential level of pettiness and volatility just would not be worth it for me... Just my 2 cents.

I hear you Cat - the idea of "borrowing trouble" resonated with me. I'm another one truly living together apart with my long-term SO (7 years here - how does that happen?). Especially these days.

Like you, I lived so many years of disorder and drama and all that mess that I get a little hinky at the whiff of its presence. Oh and I sometimes have this hyper-boundary thing going on too. Not sure if that's where you're coming from, but maybe something close.

So I think it's great how you broke it down - this is something you are doing for your beau. He has some wishes that you will honor. And you are realistic for the potential of some family ickiness. (We have all seen it on the other side of someone's death). What comes through in your post is a sense of confidence in your motives - you know why you are doing this and you know you will do the right things. That should be your guidepost, no?

The kids can have anything they want.

So on this front - even if his estate is modest, has he considered outlining items that may be family heirlooms or keepsakes or things he might want to pass on to his children/grandchildren specifically? I helped my parents document everything in their house so we knew what were family pieces, things they'd like us to have, others that might be valuable and easily sold. I know people hate considering these things, but it will make the sorting and distributing more seamless.

I would just hate for you to have to be the decider in any "kids can have anything they want debates." That would be a crappy job - being a referee in sibling arguments.

Another note: I hope he has outlined what he might like for end of life decisions and funeral preparations. I watched a friend memorialized in the exact opposite way that he wanted, but he never put it in writing. Just my ramblings here.

You come across as very level-headed and I suspect will navigate this with class and grace.

I'll be glad when this is over so we can see each other again.

So true.

So on this front - even if his estate is modest, has he considered outlining items that may be family heirlooms or keepsakes or things he might want to pass on to his children/grandchildren specifically?

He has nothing of any sentimental importance, as that was all left at the former marital home. Everything he has now, including his art collection and his firearms collection were purchased after he moved out. He would be very happy for his youngest son to have some of his firearms, but depending on where he is living, that may not be possible.

Another note: I hope he has outlined what he might like for end of life decisions and funeral preparations.

Yes, we have discussed this. I have a good idea of what he would want (which is NOT going to go down well with the kids), but it's his express wish.

His largest worry has been his dog, who, of course, would come with me (if his breeder agrees, which I'm sure she would).

We hope to have several more years (or even decades) before we would have to cross these bridges, but we're prepared.

Cat

His largest worry has been his dog, who, of course, would come with me (if his breeder agrees, which I'm sure she would).

That has been my biggest worry too ever since I got my pup. He has a solid home if anything happens to me.

Sidebar question: is the breeder the co-owner on the AKC title? I ask since I had an out of the blue and nasty replevin battle years back over one of my dogs. (Don't mean to be sound so negative, but people get goofy sometimes). If you can get yourself listed as another co-owner that would be glorious. (Plus, think of the potential for running him in events!)

Actually, it was my connections that led him to this particular breeder, so I don't feel I would have any issues with her.

I'd probably run him in a few events and maybe put a title on him. He's a nice boy.

Fortunately, I don't expect any of the kids would want the dog, which is good.

Cat