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I know that rage and anger is a part of the BS trying to make sense of their reality and is a normal part of the fall out of everything that i have caused.

i am doing the work on my root causes, providing transparency, and when they are triggered im staying present and holding myself accountable and not running from it like i would have in the past.

my question is when they are triggered and it turns to rage. where it turns to them questioning me "what would you call someone who did what you did?" - a whore. you're a whore. this is who you are. on repeat. that i am an evil person who only stopped because i was caught.

how do i handle this?

im doing my best and i know i deserve this. but im struggling.

You do not have to stay for abusive interactions.

I would probably create the boundary of "I will talk about anything with you as long as we are able to have healthy communication. I understand I have caused the rage but ai don’t think it makes either of us feel better when it escalates like that. I am going to have to take a step back and let you get more under control but then I will be back to discuss anything you want.

And you do that when it gets that way. And later, go back to him and say " if you feel calmer I am here to talk to spend time together or whatever you need now."

This way you are providing you both more safety, but providing reassurance that you are willing to have difficult conversations as long as the communication can be safe and healthy for both.

Be there for him, answer his questions, even bring up the affair for him when you can.

I say that last part because sometimes the bs feels like a burden to keep bringing up these difficult conversations. By doing that task for them, it like a little pressure release valve.

These two things done together provides assurance to him that you are willing to do what it takes to work through the issues.

The only way I wouldn’t do any of that is if you feel leaving when the conversation spirals if you think he could be violent. And in that case, there is a bigger issue and you need to take other steps. That doesn’t sound at all like what you are saying, but I think it’s worth stating.

The rage stage is brutal. It is was what ultimately ended my M. It became abusive. I was prepared to weather the storm, I took more than I should have because I thought I "deserved" it. But there’s a point where the rage stops being about healing and starts destroying both people. The rage crossed a line that I couldn’t ignore. Repair requires two humans, not one human and one punching bag.

You don't deserve this. You deserve the consequences of your choices. You do not deserve to be dehumanized. And maybe part of you feels guilty because he was dehumanized by your choices. But the solution to being dehumanized is not more dehumanization. If both of you lose your humanity in this process, repair becomes impossible.

You are not wrong for struggling. You are not weak for finding this hard. You are not failing because you can’t absorb unlimited rage.

You hold space for their pain. You do not hold space for their cruelty. Your job is presence, honesty, and repair, not martyrdom.

Rage is normal. And he be can furious, rage about being betrayed, or disgusted, or devastated. Stand in that fire. Not in the one meant to turn you to ashes.

Hiking gave you really great scripts to help defuse. This isn't you shutting him down. You’re not defending yourself. You’re not arguing. You’re simply refusing to participate in something that destroys both of you.

I don’t really have any advice to give. The other two replies offered very good advice I think. I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I am in pretty much the same position. Three years later my BH still has many triggers and often this leads him getting angry which leads to the yelling, name calling etc. I realize the pain I have caused and that is why it is hard to think I don’t deserve this. I am sorry you are going through it as well. Hope some of the advice given helps.

I don’t really have any advice to give. The other two replies offered very good advice I think. I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I am in pretty much the same position. Three years later my BH still has many triggers and often this leads him getting angry which leads to the yelling, name calling etc. I realize the pain I have caused and that is why it is hard to think I don’t deserve this. I am sorry you are going through it as well. Hope some of the advice given helps.

it does but it doesnt make it any easier when the triggers come with him. we had actually been making some progress- and then last weekend it was back to it being really rough again.

its hard too feeling like i deserve it, but when it stops i do know that i dont deserve to be dehumanized.

i feel responsible because of how much pain i hve caused and how much pain they are having to heal from that they never asked for.