SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

icangetpastthis and others,

I hope you are doing well.

I'm going to say why I think this is an escalation with an abusive person and not a pitiful joker or a lazy person who is simply coasting. First, I should say that I've never been in a partner relationship with an abusive person. Maybe I don't know enough to determine anything. Also, I fully understand that abusive domestic relationships are not exclusively male on female violence. And again, I don't think Bigger meant anything other than a joke or any harmful intention.

Why is he even here then? He should have left years ago. Would I stay with him all these years if I didn't love him? No. I would not. I would have worked out a plan, told him before or after I left - and then LEFT.

This makes sense to me. It probably makes sense to many or most people in relationships. It's a healthy attitude, I think. Ok, but that's not your WX. What's up with him? Is he lazy and taking advantage?

While it does go on I have to live with him - he won't leave. Even though he was awarded a large sum from my account in the divorce proceedings. My WX shows me in words, looks, actions every day that he doesn't care about me. I don't understand how this can be happening after my whole adult life being in love with him and working so hard every day to benefit him and our children. Why is this happening to me. Why can't I change it. Why does it take so long.

There's this. Again, you could argue he's taking advantage and merely lazy.

The escalation (which I won't quote) is that he's NOW, at the time he's forced to move out, increasingly angry and jealous and accusatory toward you.

He's accused you of dating. Why should he care? What does that mean? He's losing control of you. He feels entitled to what you provide, even as his former wife. He feels entitled to living there in that house and to the care for the house and him you have provided. Another person coming involved would interrupt that for him.

He's accusing you of hiding money in the divorce. That's theft. You have had a settlement and been divorced for a while. He seemed ok with that. He's accusing YOU, and accusing you NOW, of theft. He's not angry at the judge, or the courts, or your attorneys, or his attorneys. He's not angry at society. He's angry at you. He's directly accusing you of stealing from him. He feels entitled to you.

I am reminded of Scooby or ScoobyDoo? here several years ago. Her husband came on and claimed that she was his and we could all go to hell if we thought differently. It ended with violence.

There's a book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men?" by Lundy Bancroft. You have mentioned that your husband alienated other family with his anger and controlling tendencies. The author person has a long history of working with domestic abusers.

Again, I'm not saying that only men are abusive. But yeah, I guess I am aware that my husband weighs 100 lb+ more than me, and that he could beat the crap out of me if he wanted to do so. I don't feel like

a poor, defenseless woman

; but yes, I am aware of the difference between us.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 9:25 PM, Monday, April 13th]

@Bigger

Note to self: Never make a light-hearted suggestion – even if prefaced and ended with a note about it being a bit of fun… grin

Brother, it was really funny and is good to put some light hearted fun in the gloomy moments.

I am real ass when writing here, sound too serious because we miss the personal touch, but I think everyone got and appreciated your post

Besides that, I would totally pay to see her pull that off and just see the look on his face. You know just how hard that would hit the guy, he’s not going to recover anytime soon.

But only if we stand both there as her bodyguards in case he loses it and starts some shit!

Again, I'm not saying that only men are abusive. But yeah, I guess I am aware that my husband weighs 100 lb+ more than me, and that he could beat the crap out of me if he wanted to do so. I don't feel like

Kitchen, both can be abusive, cheating is already a way worse abuse. Physical abuse can get you killed or seriously injured, as we all know, while my wayward few instances of physical violence have hurt way less than the betrayals, and are inexcusable too, they stem from the same roots.

If they cheated and never resolved their issues, there is no guarantee they would not snap.

And while it is unpleasant being a big guy hit by a smaller woman, I would hate to see the opposite. So yes not being defenseless is also not putting yourself in danger way in the first place.

That’s strength, not just muscle

BackfromtheStorm,

My brother in infidelity, I am sorry for the pain that your wife has put you through. I truly am. But bro...

cheating is already a way worse abuse.

I hope you are not saying that getting beat up or killed by your partner is better than having them cheat on you. I would rather be me than the woman in Hawaii whose husband is on trial for trying to kill her with a rock and a syringe full of something while hiking. She cheated apparently. I would rather be me than the woman missing in the Bahamas. Anyone who has ever been sailing or on a dinghy in that part of the Abacos knows her husband killed her.

I'm aware that English isn't your first language and willing to give you a break. Maybe that is how you actually do feel. I believe that is enough of the internet for me for a while.

Kitchen is very personal and thus others will have a different perspective.

By all means I would have preferred to be shot than betrayed.

Violence is abuse. Killing is abuse. Cheating is abuse. Raping is abuse. Pedophilia is abuse.

They all are abuse. Only one physically ends your life. All, leave trauma.

From the outside judgement no question killing looks the worst of them all.

But from the victim perspective? Some of these abuses leave a lifelong trauma that even if doesn’t end you outright carries over more pain, often more that people can live with, suicidal tendencies are not a rarity.

So it may end your life even if your abuser did not pull the trigger.

Infidelity sits right there at the top as the deepest traumas a human being can experience. People who survived death, violence and murder trauma broke when they experienced it.

Because is not an abuse coming from an outside threat but it comes from within.

And contrary to other kind of abuses it is tolerated, normalized, if not even cherished.

I’ve avoided a potential lethal encounter once in my life. Shocked but the trauma of it healed. I received violence twice from my wayward wife, one time semi unintentionally a second time she "beat me up" enough that I needed a trip to the hospital the day after because she was kicking my spine in frustration just because "man big= he can take it" well you can but still hurts if you hit the right spot. That was painful both physically and emotionally even if "she didn’t mean to hurt me that much". Emotional was worse.

I was never raped or abused as a child so I don’t have any firsthand knowledge of how traumatic that is. What I can tell you is that her betrayal was an order of magnitude worse than any of those other traumatic Experiences.

And if I am here talking to you today is just because I didn’t load the ammunition and the idea of giving her "this victory " while she was enjoying fucking that piece of shit back in 2008 outweighed the appeal of kissing that gun. Just slightly.

Had I pulled the trigger I would be gone, nobody would’ve ever accused her or held her accountable (maybe just my mom, but what does it count?) and would never have impacted the "violence/ murder bad - cheating not as bad " narrative, still well rooted today. But make no mistake, the wounds it caused were absolutely what pushed me to the cliff.

Looking back, I am glad I didn’t. Looking back, part of me (the dead one after healing) is still not entirely sure it wasn’t a better choice than the soul wrenching suffering that followed for 18 years. If I were just a tiny bit weaker or didn’t have loving people around in that time, I seriously don’t think I would be here talking to you right now. But I would have had peace.

That doesn’t make it any less wrong to respond to abuse with abuse. If someone cheated or beaten you up, responding with abuse, in kind of a different violence, is still fucked up and puts you on the same level.

What I said, wether you sympathize with my views or not, her husband already shown he is capable of abuse. I believe that abuse is already worse than getting physical, if I am right he would have no restraint into doing just that if he loses it enough, and that can really end badly. Because he already crossed a similar boundary, each time is easier.

Even if you disagree, your instincts very likely tell you it is not the moment to poke the wounded bear, is not unheard of desperate cheaters ending in violence towards their BS when they feel cornered.

You brought up a case of a woman I don’t know. I feel for this person.

He is projecting on her his own misfits rewriting the narrative as he is the victim of injustice. I am sure she will be fine because she is smart and strong, I am waiting and cheering for the moment she can finally breathe free.

I explained my views because you find it strange, it’s ok, I like different views, that’s simply straight out my own feelings.

Thanks for the feedback sister

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:26 PM, Tuesday, April 14th]