SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m relatively new to this site but have used many of the posts to assist me on my journey and love reading advice that others have to offer. Currently I’m about 4 months post D-Day and my husband is still on the fence of reconciliation or divorce. Since D-Day I’ve had to really push myself to be more transparent and open with my husband about any and everything. I unfortunately did not allow him the full story of my affair for the first 2-3 weeks after discovery. I greatly regret not being upfront and honest from day one, or even from the moment my affair started. However, present day I’ve told him everything I can possibly remember and have answered questions openly and without being defensive.

A quick run down of my steps to help heal my husband:

-Immediate no contact with AP (I hadn’t spoken to him in around a month before D-Day) so this was an easy fix. The affair had already stopped before my husband found out.

-No contact with AP’s wife or mutual friends that knew of the affair.

-Got a new job within the first month after D-Day (AP was a coworker) this new job is also fully remote so I’m in our home everyday all day (Hopefully this gives my husband some peace of mind).

-I have started individual counseling which is faith based and allows my husband to be involved if he would like. My goal with this going forward is to really try and break down the whys of me searching an affair. I want to heal the parts of me that are flawed so I can truly love myself again. I also love having a third party to offer resources or feedback on how I can be a better wife.

-Did a professional polygraph test with questions my spouse wanted clarity on. Passed the test and provided spouse with results.

-No social media in the past 4 months.

-No drinking or drug use. This is something that greatly impacted my choices the 6 months prior to the affair and during the affair. I was drinking everyday and abusing my Xanax prescription. Sober since the DDay (aside from 2-3 drinks during a family vacation in October).

- Found an awesome church to attend with my spouse. This is something that we both really enjoy.

-Came clean to a handful of family members and friends, my husband wanted me to take accountability amongst those that are close to us.

Now we are at a point in our relationship where my husband has given hisself a mental deadline of deciding on R or D by May. I am praying for reconciliation and a second chance with my husband. This May will be 11 years of our relationship and I can’t imagine life without him. I see him struggling daily and want nothing more than to see him healed and happy. No matter the outcome for me, I just want him to be okay. He has mentioned he doesn’t believe me fully and doesn’t know if he can live the rest of his life without being able to believe me. My affair was purely emotional/digital (photos)- no physical sexual acts ever happened and my husband questions this daily. My affair was also very short lived, we’ve estimated around 2-3 weeks that these events occurred, but still my husband questioned if more happened.

-So my question is how do I react and respond when my husband is struggling with the what if’s.

- How do I better support his healing journey?

-How do I give him peace of mind on the what ifs?

-How do I respond without being emotional? I often break down and cry during our affair conversations because I feel so much guilt and shame. I also can not express how deeply it hurts to see my husband hurting during these conversations.

Thank you for any and all advice! So sorry for the long post!

No stop sign.

1. You really need to get to the bottom of how and why you let yourself do this. Don’t let this go.
2. Your husband let himself be vulnerable to you. You kicked him in the balls. It may be awhile before he makes himself vulnerable again.
3. I think it’s a little like childbirth. He’s going to have to forget the pain before he risks it again.
4. Be very, very good to him. Don’t be defensive. Don’t push back. DON’T BLAME HIM. Swallow your ego, your pride. Don’t under appreciate the physical side.

He’ll come around. Patience. It’s going to take longer than you want it to.

Welcome, you are brave to post here and share so much.

To the title of your thread: you can’t heal him. No more than if you slipped poison into his coffee and then regretted it after he drank it all. Damage is done in him that you don’t have the ability to undo, even though you caused it. It’s a horror, but he is the only one who can heal him, hopefully with immense support from professionals and loved ones.

Now that being said, you cannot act as a healing physician, but if he will allow you, you must be the most compassionate nurse that known to man. Tend to him, comfort him, take life’s load off of him where you can. If he will allow it.

And while you’ve said that you are now telling him the truth, no offense, but everyone says that. This cannot be emphasized enough: you must be completely honest with him. You must tell him everything he wants to know. You need to tell him if you have new recall of events and ask him if he wants to know. And most importantly, you must open wide the windows of your own heart and mind so that he can make a decision of whether you can ever be trusted again.

And with all that, you must be immensely patient, it’s going to take him years to recover from this. You must nurse your victim without expectation that it is earning you R, because it’s not. R will be a grace he may choose to extend, and he may not. It cannot be earned by you at this point. Best you can do is be a person today that he should want to live the rest of his life with.

I sincerely wish you well.

Agree with everything Ink said. I’d also add that, in MOST cases, EA + proximity = PA, so it’s extremely understandable your BH wonders if more happened. You were wise to take a poly. Hopefully the examiner covered ALL forms of physical contact, and not just "intercourse". Hopefully you also answered whether you had in any way been unfaithful in any other way, since the two of you became "exclusive". I guarantee he’s wondering exactly that right now.

I’m also glad your H enforced some consequences. Never think those were for "petty revenge", as some here believe. These are the natural expected outcomes of your choices, and they help support your BH. I’m especially glad you confessed to some of those close to you. Accountability for you (also something that’s good for you) as well as support for your BH.

Ink is right, there’s zero you can do to "earn" a chance at R, but I would say you should do everything to arrange the wood, the kindling, the oxygen, and pray your BH decides to ignite the fire. Lastly, it’s great you’re receiving faith-based counseling, but you need to keep a VERY close watch such that no "unmet needs" fallacy ever creeps in. This mindset inevitably shifts some blame to the betrayed, and, unfortunately, many church-based counselors engage in this UNBIBLICAL practice. They just don’t know any better, and some churches particularly and unfairly put enormous pressure, particularly on a BH, to reconcile. This has led to deep resentment, and some very unhealthy R’s. I pray you don’t want that. Should it ever appear, stop the convo and say "I will not stand for any blame whatsoever to be directed toward my BH. These evil choices were mine alone, and I had every opportunity to make a different choice". Doing so might just raise a hopeful eyebrow in your BH.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 3:11 PM, Monday, January 20th]

FWIW

You have to consider your spouse's thinking about marriage and the vows. You vowed - but didn't follow through.
He has to reconcile that dichotomy.

Be what you 'really are' - that is don't do stuff that "I must do this because" - do what you must because you want to and the stuff you do is "your personality" - if you don't, he will pick up on your 'act' and you lose.

For you - YOU need to figure out why you did what you did. Read "Not Just Friends" (search on amazon) and "Fix yourself" -

If you persevere - the road is long, lots of ruts and potholes - but if you stay the course you may succeed in keeping your marriage.

Let go of the outcome - be an honest person and let the cards fall as they do.