SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So officially in affair season again. Two years ago WH first started his A. Or OW kissed him drunk at an office party, he claims it came completely out of the blue (I'm not sure I trust that but anyway), but that it intrigued him and so it eventually led to them getting in touch and starting up an A after a few more weeks and that lasted about 2 months until I caught him.
I'm feeling the stress, not as much as a year ago thankfully, but as you all know, everything about this time of year reminds me of that period when I thought things were one way (lovely and safe), and they weren't.

Tips on what you find works for you to get through AS for you? Do you find discussing it with your WS helps or makes it worse? On one hand I feel I might need to confide to him that I'm feeling a bit rattled this time of year, but on the other hand, I don't feel like giving it any more space in my life than necessary. Not rugsweeping, just not letting it be the main character in my life this time around again? So I'm thinking that maybe if I try not to let TOO much focus go on it, it might pass more smoothly? I might kidding myself here... I work out, I do things that make me happy, spend time with family, friends and try to remind myself that that was then, it is not happening now (at least I have no signs of such). It just bums me out because I love this time of year (or used to) and I was really in a good place mentally and emotionally that time two years ago and then it all came crashing down and I haven't been able to crawl myself back to that place yet.

I go around recommending "the power of now" by Eckhardt Tolle as often as I can because he teaches you to not believe everything you think, to focus on the present, how to achieve joy despite the circumstances, and he take a lot about processing pain so that you can let it go.

I think it is impossible at times follow his teachings, though I do always strive for it. And I do not believe that it’s meant for us to skip grief or any thing that could be construed as toxically positive.

But at a few years out, starting to change the channel like you are saying is healthy for you. I feel like around that time of my recovery of my husbands affair, I was afraid to let go of affair season (well, his affair was 18 months, so I guess dday season) because I wasn’t ready to forgive. (That doesn’t mean that our marriage wasn’t progressing or that I wasn’t healing- just it feels like letting go of that string feels like there are larger implications.)Whether it’s "them getting away with it" or for me it was more about vigilance, our false R made it very hard to trust we were really moving towards real R.

At any rate,-yes, I have a few suggestions.

Bring yourself to the present moment as much as possible. Be "in your body". Be very gentle with yourself, treat yourself- I like to make nice dinners- I enjoy cooking and creating and enjoying it. Do self care. I like being in nature, taking bubble baths, getting some extra sleep.

I think detach from the past as much as you can for this period of time and spend as much time in the present moment filling that space instead with things that make you feel loved by you, taken care of by you, and focus on that as much as you can.

I think it’s hard to be completely detached. The time of year feels undeniable. But just keep breathing through it and reaching for the next thing that is a better thought, a better action.

And as far as your husband goes, try to communicate things he can do to help and let him know that your thoughts on that might change a lot. Some days I wanted extra TLC, some days I wanted more solitude. Just honor yourself.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:56 PM, Wednesday, September 4th]

100% agree with h/o. She's the one who turned me on to The Power of Now and, by god, it works. Thank you, h/o!

I was in the pool the other day, floating and listening to good music with friends, and I found myself starting to ruminate on what to do about a problem that's been consuming my thoughts, and how I wish I'd done things differently in the past. I'm so tired of feeling anxious about this issue so I says to myself, I says, "Self, get back in this beautiful moment and luxuriate in the bliss that is this perfect sunny day." So I did. I allowed the sun sparkling on the water to be my focus, the breeze rustling the leaves, the clear blue sky, Tom Petty on the radio... and I felt happy again. It sounds so trite, but it really was that simple.

I did it again in the shower the next morning. I started to run dialogue in my head and could feel the tears starting in my throat, and I said aloud, "Okay, that's enough", shook my head, and reminded myself that there's nothing I could do about it in this moment and that this moment is pretty nice. Let's get back in it, why don't we? I accessed a little Thich Nhat Hanh mindfulness wisdom and paid attention to how satisfying it felt to lather up the shampoo, the warm water on my skin, the smell of the soap.

I was really in a good place mentally and emotionally that time two years ago and then it all came crashing down and I haven't been able to crawl myself back to that place yet.

You've suffered big trauma. Please allow yourself some grace to not be in a "really good place". It takes time to process something this big. It's okay to be where you are, in this moment, hurting but still enjoying the things and people and places that you love. Focus in on the sensory joy in the minutiae of making pumpkin bread, or the happy beauty of mums on the front porch, the joy of the Cowboys scoring a touchdown ( ) or whatever it is that you love about fall. You'll likely find respite in the little things.