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Hi. Most of you here have read my story and know my H was in a band and before that jumped from hobby to hobby and also did recreational drugs while in the A and was addicted to porn.

With that being said he quit the band and he sold all of his music equipment this past week minus his first guitar (sentimental value). I know it wasn’t easy for him but he’s lost passion for music once he realized that he was doing it for all the wrong reasons, through therapy and self reflection he realized that it just wasn’t right for him or for us and he stepped away. He has nowbeen completely obsessed with golf and he goes twice a week and sometimes takes our oldest daughter. I’m a tad worried because it is like he is jumping from one thing to another and has his whole life. He told me golfing he only has to rely on himself and can go alone or go with me and the kids and it’s peaceful and he is good at it. (Which he is). He also has a huge addiction to eating , he overeats and although he isn’t huge he has gained a lot of weight. Is this common for people with the personality of someone who had an A? I’m trying to be supportive of him and his new hobby because I would much rather him do this than be in a bar with girls all over him but he’s just all over the place. He has worked on the people pleasing part of him and he’s came so far , we both have. He claims golfing is the first thing he’s done that he only has to rely on himself and he said it feels good to reach goals by himself . As far as the food I wonder if it’s just a comfort? Coping mechanism? Idk. Maybe I’m reading into it too much?

Any advice is welcome.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 8:53 PM, Friday, August 16th]

Yes, I just wrote about this the other day but can’t find the post to copy.

WS have a poor relationship with themselves. They don’t love themselves, they are often full of accumulated shame because they sleep walk through life.

It takes some time to become intentional with our selves. To discover healthy outlets, to be grateful for our lives. Most humans can’t predict what would make them happy, but most ws aren’t even focused on it. We just go from escape to escape. I spent several years drinking too much wine, this was after a stint of gambling (we are not talking lots of money or anything like that - in fact it was poker and I was breaking even), and yes I have self soothed with food at times or shopping. Always looking for external help and to make myself feel better.

It takes years to shed that and as long as he is being proactive in doing healthier things, being mindful of his motivations (recognizing the music motivation is a great sign)

The golf- healthy. He can get some of the dopamine he needs from his accomplishments, sunshine, exercise, and he is spending quality time with his daughter. As long as it’s not impacting the help you need from him or your finances I would let that fly as much as possible. Exercise was an important aspect of my own recovery.

I probably would not interfere with the food part either. Yes there is some substituting but he is healing right now and as he becomes more and more self aware of his own motivations he will correct that too.

It’s a process and a normal part of healing. It takes a long time to develop the self love and relationship with oneself as long as he remains diligent on that journey I wouldn’t worry about it.

It’s great you are working together on things but always remember his healing is his project.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:56 PM, Friday, August 16th]

TY H/O.

I know that golfing is a great outlet and I love that he loves it but when he has a hobby, he becomes obsessive and it is really hard for me not to hate the hobby. Music he became obsessed, to the point where I resented his band and music at some points in my life and I do not want to do that with golf because it isn't golf... it is how unhealthy he is with things and i expressed this to him today and he understood how I felt.

Being blunt too , looking back and seeing how selfish he was as a person with time, hobbies, and things I literally am repulsed by it. It is true, once you see it , you can't unsee it. I can't unfeel any of it now.
I will never be able to unsee how utterly crappy he treated his kids and I when it came to his selfish ways. I know he is changing and I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and he is literally TRYING SO HARD but I see him differently now, I see him for exactly what he was and it is the hardest thing I have had to do is take those rose colored glasses off and see this man that I thought i loved so much for the broken mess he was and learn to love the man that is changing in front of me...

Bleh.

What you just said is completely understandable.

What I was really trying to illuminate is that the side of him that is prone to addictions will take a while to cycle through. It really wasn’t a statement on how you should feel about it. That’s a different thing entirely. I was just saying it’s normal for some crutches to be used while you walk out of it. As long as they are not destructive or obsessive things.

I am not a smoker, I smoked in college some back in the day, in those ages it was pretty normal.m. But I smoked the entire first year after my affair. And the first time I quit as a young woman it was a terrible experience, I didn’t want to quit but I did want to be with my husband (boyfriend) at the time so I quit for him. After dday, it felt like a need. And looking back that was so weak and terrible and on many ways probably was another slap in the face to my husband. He never said a word about it though, I think he knew I was batshit crazy and it’s sad to think about him waiting for me to become "myself" again. It is painful to write that.

At any rate, by the time I quit about a year into it, I put them down and never wanted one again. I had physical withdrawal of course, but it didn’t even phase me. The reason is because I had started to close that void. I had started to want to treat myself better. I am wanted to be the woman he deserved and that the kids deserved and that I deserved. It was evidence to me to keep going because I was headed in the right direction. That momentum takes over.

My husband doesn’t have an addictive personality. But he goes at learning hobbies very hard. And when you are raising kids it takes money and time away from the family and also sometimes put way more on me because I didn’t have hobbies. Being the default parent was one of my major resentments towards him. So I can see that aspect right now as well since you have four young children and one of them being special needs.

So how you feel about it is completely valid and understandable, especially with everything else he took from you.

But I wrote all that to say- there may come a day where the man in front of you is not the one you have known until now, and it may surprise you. I really have hope for you in that because your husband does seem to be doing the work by what you describe.

That’s not my way of saying forgive him or don’t feel the way you feel. It’s far too early for any of that. Your healing will come at your pace and you may still turn around and decide that being with him isn’t possible for you. And that’s okay, you don’t owe him that even if he changes into who you always wished he would be. You are doing so awesome on your journey, you are giving yourself permission to feel whatever you need to. And that will either lead you away from him or one day you will see he took it all in alongside of you and it may prove his love and dedication.

No one knows what the future holds but keep listening to yourself, what you need. The reason you are asking this question is you are scanning for danger. That is completely normal. You may even be scanning for things to help you push him away. That’s okay too. It’s part of the process. He has proven to you that you should be afraid to let your guard down. And the closer he gets to helping you put it down for just a moment, then you will snap it back up. And this will go on and eventually what happens if he does his work is the guard will go down a little longer. The time of holding it up will get shorter. But it takes a long time before it is down for most of the time.

H/O. You always say the most relatable things to my H. You two seem to be very much alike (well not so much now since you’ve healed) but at one point.

You’re right, he is healing and he is really trying and he’s emotional lately because he has really had to face himself and what he almost lost, vacation really hurt him too because he always put us last. I see it in his eyes, I see the pain and I see the hope and I see his desire to change , letting go of what he did , like you said will take so much time, and it flat out sucks.

It sucks bad.

No doubt.

But it sounds like who he is now is the best version you have maybe had yet. Unfortunately the way he has arrived there has been so damaging that there is no reason to celebrate. The changes fall flat.

For what it’s worth I think I was a pretty good version at about 18 months out. I mean, I have continued to work on myself but the foundation was solid by then. That aspect doesn’t take forever. The damage I had done to my husband and marriage was much longer to get through. I thought at 3 years out we had done it. He was presenting that way as well. Until of course the day I found the texts.

Chiming in that I have seen this too. The feckless nature of folks feeling empty inside, looking for an interest to fill the hole.

My WS does this escapism thing with planning vacations, buying all kinds of overpriced items (sports cars, $400 flashlights, $2000 binoculars-apparently bird watching is suddenly fun), exercising to excess, boating, etc. Etc. Etc.

But I don’t think it is just the addictions themselves. I think it is also "things we associate with the cheating".

In some ways what HO mentioned is a good one with the smoking. Her spouse might associate the smoking with that period in time and find it deeply painful if she ever took a drag on a cigarette. Other spouses might find it gross, smoking is smelly, whatever. But the aversion would not be nearly as strong as it would be for the spouse that associates smoking with an affair.

For you these hobbies—that aspect of your spouse’s character—is inherently tied to the cheating. So it seems loathsome to you. For a spouse who was not cheated on it would probably just seem annoying. My father in law (a little narcissistic, a little ADHD) used to have the passing hobby obsessions too. He would take up kayaking, then mountain climbing, went through a gold phase too. But it was mostly just funny and weird because he had not cheated. Now that my husband has cheated none of this is funny to me. Or amusing. Or quirky. It seems dangerous and evil.

But, as time passes I am becoming unsure if the thing itself is really evil, or if it is just the fact that the obsession seems inextricably tied to the cheating. I somewhat think it is just my trauma. My husband’s addiction was and is primarily to his work. Cheating with his assistant was a natural extension, she ran the most important thing in his world, his job. The AP is long gone but the mistress of his job still haunts me when I let it.

Other people think it is "so nice" that he is so thoughtful in his job (one of the “caring professions”). He’s so helpful... What a nice guy... How could it be bad to be so generous to other people in your job? Obviously as the spouse who was cheated on I find nothing kind about it. When he is generous at his work toward other people — even nice little old ladies— the hair on the back of my neck stands up. I feel like it must be evil, it’s dangerous, it ruined our lives. But on another level I know the problem was the cheating not the job. If he was just super generous at work but not a cheater I would probably just find it quirky. Maybe your husband’s hobbies would be selfish but not quite so bad. At least if he balanced it (like he seems to be doing taking your kids to play golf). But because it is associated with his cheating it is going to make you nauseous.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set limits. You can set boundaries with the golf and make him aware how it affects you. But over time you might find it less repugnant. I am just now starting to be a little proud again of how kind my husband is to the people he takes care of at work. I can see a little bit the niceness of it again.

Anyway, just a thought…

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 2:35 AM, Saturday, August 17th]

H/O.

Indeed I do have the best version of my H that I have ever seen and he reminds me if I stick by him then I will get the most amazing H and father, wish it didn’t come to this like you said. He is careful when he says it but he does say he will never be thankful he had an A but is thankful it has addressed a lot of his issues and issues we both have had in the M.

I picture myself laying on the ground trampled by horses and him taking off into the sunset on the horse that left me for dead, weird I know but I feel like I’ve been walked on to get there and I know it wasn’t intentional. Did he have an A , yes but was it to hurt me? No. Did he know it would hurt me? Yes. He was too selfish to give a shit.

I won’t mention the eating because he recognizes it too and he is getting better. I sat him down last month and pointed out he spent over $500 in one month on lunches and golf… he cried because he wasn’t paying attention, it is easy to swipe a card and be careless (we didn’t share a bank account before the A) he admitted to me he didn’t want to share because he had an eating problem and I didn’t believe him. I thought he spent money on her , after looking at his account he had and sharing one with him for months , I fully believe him now. Vending machine here , gas station there , fast food twice a day. I mean it was bad. He is packing all next week now that I pointed it out and I was proud because the old me would have just screamed at him when he walked in the door , this time, I methodically put together a spreadsheet and set him down and showed him the number. The approach worked a lot better than the old me just attacking. We are both learning but I was flipping fuming considering I keep the kids home while I work and we eat frozen crap. I save us $1200 a month and in turn I literally die all day while trying to be on the phones working helping clients.

Still confused.

I feel what you said which is a huge reason music and his band never would have worked again. It did way too much damage for 10 years and there was no going back , he used practice to see her sometimes and I sacrificed a lot for him to pursue this dream that cost way too much for a family of 6. I didn’t have to speak much about the subject before he agreed and sold his gear , I think he associates it with his A and also being just a crap person and he just doesn’t enjoy it because he was a fake using POS. He didn’t just trample the kids and I to try to achieve his goal but other people he cares about too.

I know golf is a much better solution and hobby, I just don’t want to resent it like I did his band so I need to make sure I set clear boundaries and speak up when I’m upset. I used to take on so much to allow him to chase his dream and I silently resented him for it and boy did I really hate him. I don’t want us to get to that point. Looking back I can see how much I truly didn’t like him , now I can’t unsee it. Crazy.

over $500 in one month on lunches and golf

It does not matter what the "thing" is, it could be exercise, golf, lunches, affairs, music, etc., if it is not constructive to the family, and to the person, as a whole, it is not healthy for the relationship.

$500 a month on lunches and golf is just fine if you have that money to spend and you are not causing other people to scrape by. From what you describe, however this sounds like he has treated one issue for another, sort of like switching from alcohol to methamphetamine, neither is quite healthy.

From what I am reading, it sounds like this is not healthy, nor constructive to the relationship.

I picture myself laying on the ground trampled by horses and him taking off into the sunset on the horse that left me for dead, weird I know

This is not weird at all. You have been traumatized by him. And he is not traumatized. He is getting better and you want to as well. It to me is one of the harder parts of it. While you eat your shit sandwich he is having a personal awakening and feeling better.

I don’t talk that deeply very often about my experience of being a bs. It always feels when I wrote about it I either sound like a hypocrite or like I am pandering for sympathy when I fired the first shots.

But I have felt this exact way that you wrote here and to me this was a hard part to get past. My situation was very different but how you expressed this I relate to it so much.

My husband gave me a new ring early into his 18 month affair. He said it symbolized a new beginning in our relationship. I spent most of the months of his affair doing everything I could to show my love and appreciation for this incredible chance he was giving me.

When I found out, I struggled for the first year to not blame myself for it. I caused him pain, I did it first (though not even nearly on the same scale- but I still went first and cheated in a good marriage) and I had it framed in many ways that he cheated in a dumpster fire marriage.

But that wasn’t the reality I was living. We were closer than ever from my stand point. We spent a lot of tome together we were out doing things, we had a marriage that I had always hoped for. He was being attentive and loving and we were having deep talks and we were making love for the first time in our marriage.

And it wasn’t real.

So after struggling with how to even look at this for a full year, during which I sent him off to therapy, contacted the obs and doing all the things we tell people here to do. I started wondering if we should just get a divorce. Was I just staying to save face for cheating on him?

And here is where what you are talking about kicked in. He thinks we are reconciling, and I was really on the fence. But I decided to try and get more vulnerable again and try and make it work. I did the thing with guard up/guard down because the entire idea of reconciling had been tainted. I spent 3 years trying to reconcile to find out that this false closeness was likely a combo of hyper bonding and guilt.

He didn’t feel that way because he didn’t experience false R. This was around the time we were preparing to sell the house and travel in an rv for an indefinite period of time. This was something we planned before his dday.

I almost didn’t go. People here told me not to. There was this feeling I was leaving myself behind. That once again he was calling the shots and I was along for the ride. The idea of working on reconciling again and experiencing that falsely again seemed inevitable. I was watching him growing lighter and happier while I felt more and more like the world was closing in on me. He was excited for the trip, I was dreading it.

In a sense, getting in the rv to go was like trying to climb up on that horse and ride away with him. It was the scariest feeling, because it felt like I was agreeing to reconcile but my heart wasn’t in it.

Here is what I learned: it wasn’t true. I wanted to be there or I wouldn’t have been.But accepting that was very hard because of all the implications that come with it. Meaning, I was rubber stamping it, condoning it, accepting it. It’s as if your life is moving on without your consent. Things were on a trajectory that didn’t line up with where my broken heart was.

Truth is it never mattered who cheated first. This was only holding me back from coming to terms with my pain. Like I wasn’t entitled to because of what I had done.

And I think for you- you know you are entitled to feel how you do because of what he has done. You were completely innocent in all this.

However, when you see how hard he is trying and how wonderful he is being is boils down to the same concept - how can you feel all these terrible things about him and watch who he has become. You feel left behind because he has gotten better but you haven’t moved very far yet at all. This is normal because like I said, you have been traumatized and he has not. The healing journey for you is more of an uphill climb than it has been for him. And dammit, why couldn’t he climb his hill without having an affair? And that action has made you have to climb a mountain.

In many ways what you said snapped this into place for me. But- remember reconciling is not the decision to stay: it’s the decision to keep trying. The process gets better over time for some people, and for others it gets worse. Take it day by day. There is no finish line. It doesn’t exist. Being vulnerable with him today doesn’t make a contract you will tomorrow. And just because he is doing better doesn’t mean you have to reward him or stay.

While there is no finish line or a day engraved in stone that says we made it. When it comes to your healing it will happen regardless of the outcome of your marriage. You will not be in this pain forever. You will heal, you will have a greater capacity for compassion, you will be wiser, and have a much richer relationship with yourself that will flow out to all the relationships in your life. You will feel connection and joy and satisfaction….with or without him.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:01 AM, Saturday, August 17th]