SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi friends.
For those of you who read and responded to my post about my H having to do work near where he saw AP, I truly appreciate all of your advice and nice words.
He is actually on his way there now to do the sight survey.
I forgot it was this week so it was brought back up on Saturday to remind me where he would be.

We had a long talk this weekend on things he would do to help me feel safe, although I have came to the conclusion that I also have to remind myself the A is not going on, and I am not in danger, and I have to remember all of the things he has told me and has shown me on how much he absolutely hates what he did.

It has helped tremendously to see my H be vulnerable this past weekend, he cried on Saturday after our friends left (his old boss and his family) and he just was so upset and said he can't believe what he jeopardized and we had a really good night after that. I went for a walk while he was facing his own issues because I wasn't emotionally able to really be there for him so when I got back we got in the pool together, stayed up too late, and really just talked about what he did and who he is now, and what we want moving forward.

As for helping me today, we decided that he would face time if/when I needed it, he would avoid the areas he saw AP, he would call me on lunch, and he would work as fast and hard as he can to get the job done in a few days. If for some reason he ran into her he would call me immediately (probably not possible as the AP doesn't work in that city)

I will admit, I am not spiraling as bad as I thought I would have and MAYBE that is because of the work that we put into it these past few days, preparing mentally , and emotionally , and work has kept me very busy this morning.

I don't know what tonight brings, or even the next few days because like you all know our feelings change so fast during this period of time.

He sent me a selfie in his work truck (he has three other guys that work with him there) so that was probably embarrassing for him since he isn't a selfie guy. He told me he loved me and he would do whatever it took these next few days and I really really hope that I can power through it and maybe start to somewhat take back that area, through him , if that makes sense, then next will be me and then us together.

I can't control his thoughts, or his reminders, I can't control the outcome, I can't control anything other than how I feel, and my decisions, and the more I learn that , the more I let go, just a little.

I know as I watch him get closer through our shared app to the location he is working I will feel sick, i know I will start to really start falling into that dark hole but I hope I can pull myself out without needing to hear the same shit i ask him all of the time, I need to get out of this cycle on my own.

Today I am just a little bit hopeful that this is a step in the right direction for my healing. Thank you all for the advice and just for listening to me.

I remember your thread on this upcoming event and I am glad you are thus far getting through it together and you are doing pretty well. I know what you mean that you can’t really anticipate what you will feel when he is actually at the site. I have had more frequent exposure to the problem places which I think tamps down my reactivity somewhat but it can still get triggered based on factors that I don’t even fully understand myself. It is good that you are trying to manage as much of the situation by yourself as you can. It sounds like you are using distraction as best you can, and reminding yourself that the bad events from the past are not happening now. Of course one can never know 1000% but the effort he is making to try to support you through this sounds pretty convincing. His own self-reflection and needing to process his feelings about what happened also sounds very good. I am going through something similar - an unavoidable triggery situation. My WH is also trying to support me through it. He has undertaken a lot of extra work to ensure I feel as comfortable as possible, though these efforts don’t change the fact that I don’t like him needing to read paperwork from the person he cheated with. I don’t like him reading her name on the papers or sharing a common experience (albeit remotely and it will only last a couple months). After we had a big long talk about the past I felt much better and didn’t even feel badly about the situation for awhile. But, like you said, I can’t say for sure that in a few days I wont find myself gasping for breath or something. Anyway, I hope you post as you go through the process as it is instructive for the rest of us to hear. It is helpful to see how things like this can be managed when the couple works together in good faith. And you of course do your own work. I read a funny thing about humming this weekend. The idea was that when you are humming out loud it requires a level of concentration that distracts you from perseverating about a worry. I haven’t really tried it in a triggery moment but I plan to try it and I’m curious to see if it helps,

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 4:50 PM, Monday, July 15th]

Look at you, being a pro-active, brave, applying what you’ve learned, total ass-kicker.

He is already headed back to the work office , since it was just the sight survey and I couldn't leave well enough alone so I pain shopped, I was able to use his location and actually see where him and his AP were at. He told me what street a while ago and that it was by the river, I was able to actually see the turn around spots, and 5 different areas he could have done what he did.

I don't feel the best and it really put me in a hole but at the same time, I know if I DONT see it, if I avoid the area if I don't let myself feel the pain , it doesn't make it to where it never happened? I mean I could avoid that shithole embarrassing mess for the rest of my life but it won't take back what he did.

One day I plan to go and just sit in that area, not now but maybe sometime next year.

I think I really am realizing that I am trying to avoid things because in my mind they are happening right now, like I saw the photos online and was seeing if I could see them in the woods

Infidelity sucks.

BUT with that being said, where he is working is the opposite side of where this is and he wont be by it, he does pass the street that AP lives on and the restaurant they ate at to get to the freeway, that didn't bother me too much.

I told my H what I did and that I looked for the place they had sex together and was certain I found it, he told me he was sorry, told me he hated all of it and that he wasn't ever going to be that person together but I have a battle with myself for a while Im sure.

I need to conquer my own shit.

I will keep yall updated as the week goes on, for the rest of the day, ill work, focus on my kids, lay out catch some rays and maybe hit the gym. All while I try to process this.

Reading posts like this one really puts me in a foul mood. I feel happy for you that you're conquering a negative situation and your H is doing everything right, but it reminds me of me doing this myself and how this type of M--where I feel like his parole officer--is so demeaning to me. That I'm the type of wife who has to surveil my H and have him report to me in order to give the surface level impression that he isn't cheating. That I have to actively prevent him from cheating. I wanted to be loved and desired and feel like the most important person in the world to him, and instead I feel like I forced my H into servitude.

The other day I went looking through his phone and just knew, what's the point? He knows how to hide everything from me. He told me he hid the mistresses' nudes in a calculator-looking app; he buried their addresses deep into Notes about other things. It could all be there right now and I would never find it.

The good days outweigh the bad, and sorry to be a debbie downer on your success post, but the whole thing just makes me so sad.

Revenger, don't at all feel like a debbie downer.

I am right there with you, I am sorry you're here too

I know me and I know what I can and can't handle and I will not be able to police him for our entire marriage, I know that it will take time for me to trust him, more time than I want but if there never comes a day I can let my guard down a little, then I won't stay in this M.

I will be honest, I don't look at his stuff even now, its out in the open , I have all the passwords and I don't really check the app when hes out, I did A LOT at the beginning.

I keep trying to tell myself that if he is going to do something my intuition and gut will scream at me, or it will eventually come out. I can't kill myself by checking on what he is doing now, I am not in the right headspace, if he were to do something to me now while I am so mentally unstable there will be no coming back from that.

Maybe I am too trusting, or maybe I am too hopeful for the future of my M but I don't really worry about him having an A right now or in the future, maybe it is because I have seen how it has turned him upside down and scared the life out of him, how he gave up his job, his friends, his hobbies, the porn, and how much hes changing for the better. I know there will always be a chance he can again but I don't see him doing it buttttttttttt if he does, I need to be healthy enough to leave and believe me, I will and he will be the joke, not me.

With that being said, I am stuck more on the flight/fight mode , I haven't even gotten out of the A he had almost a year ago, so maybe I will feel different as I start to heal from that. I can't focus on much of anything right now other than trying to feel safe in my own body, with my own decisions.

I don't know if any of that even makes sense but todays been a B*** so thats all I got.

ETA, his entire family, my family , his close friends and our DAUGHTER know what he did and he cried telling all of them. Some days I hate that we told people bc i feel judged in my decision sometimes but if he does it to me again after hurting so many people, me and his daughter being the most important .... well he can go to hell.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 7:41 PM, Monday, July 15th]

Just a quick update.
My H was supposed to be done in the area today, well it is running in to tomorrow for a half day, he was upset when he told me but he has been rushing to get it done and it just isnt yet.
He has kept his lunches at the same fast food place next to it and doesn't travel anywhere else while he is there. He has three guys with him that keep his mind off of stuff so as much as he hates it , work keeps him busy. He tries to call and things during the day to check on me which is really appreciated but it is hard for me.

As far as me, I have been pretty hollow, unmotivated, and sad. The anger inst here this week, it is more so me trying to process and let this shit flow through me and I am hopeful that when this week passes maybe i can associate that area with his job and not the A. Wishful thinking.

I am overall ok, i slowed my responsibilities down this week , i haven't had guests over , dinners have been easy, and I have been taking my space as needed from him.

He planned a date night this weekend to see a move and get lunch, he called his mom and she is watching our kids.
I definitely need a little something after this week, that is for sure.

Thanks for listening to me