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I thought I was making progress. I've had a big insight recently and can notice more of my problematic behaviors I think. I'm becoming more aware of the underlying beliefs that I have. And I'm really trying to work on the avoidant thing and bring things up more.

Yesterday and today have been harder though and I wonder if I made any progress at all. Friday I had asked BS about cutting the yard. It wasn't long or at a level that I would normally cut it, but the neighbor we share the yard with had asked me to cut it that day and I agreed. I should have asked BS what his agenda for the day was before agreeing. BS had planned to spend some family time together, which we all need, so I did that instead. I'm still feeling anxious about the yard yesterday morning and decided to cut it. It ended up taking forever because the grass was really not long enough to bother cutting. this annoys BS, because I'm supposed to be watching our child in the backyard, and because he already said the yard wasn't a priority but other house stuff was. We were talking about it and I noticed I was getting frustrated and really resistant to accepting what BS was saying as valid. So instead of saying, "He's probably right so I'm just going to agree," I told him that I was feeling resistance and explained that it was coming from beliefs that I have from childhood. I grew up on a farm and wasn't that supervised outside. So I just don't think a child should need any supervision in a fenced backyard without a road or strangers to worry about. The night before though we had been talking about how our child isn't quite mature enough for that yet and I agreed. But in the real life moment these beliefs were activated and I was feeling like, "Well just throw him to the wolves. He'll learn." So I admitted that and also that I didn't think I was necessarily right. I just felt like I try to gloss over a lot of the ugly beliefs I have with what I wished I believed instead. But this is where I am. He never really responded to that besides "Wow."

This morning, we were both sleeping downstairs. Our bedroom is destroyed at the moment, and BS has a makeshift bedroom, but most nights we sleep in the living room together. Last night we slept in the living room together on separate couches. This morning, BS woke up super early and started doing yoga in the kitchen and went about his morning. This meant I couldn't really sleep. I was feeling pretty frustrated by this, but reminded myself why we were sleeping in the living room instead of our bed, tried to appreciate that BS is doing healthy things for himself, that if he had wanted to wake up and hang out I would be happy but he doesn't and it's my fault. But I was still in a bad mood when I actually got up. As I was getting off the couch, BS came up to me and was like"Why have you been sticking the napkins in this drawer again?! It's getting super messy." I was like, "I didn't put them in there." Yes I was cranky when I said it. But I didn't put the napkins in the drawer. I don't know how they got in there. I went upstairs and already BS was texting me about how my attitude was a sign nothing was going to change. I was like, "I didn't put the napkins in the drawer so idk what I'm supposed to say." I went downstairs and was starting to unload the dishwasher. BS was like, "look, it's not just the napkins, it's all this stuff that makes the drawer junky and needs a place." I was listening quietly with my arms crossed. He suddenly was like, "nevermind, you aren't listening, just leave." I kept trying to say, "I was where is this coming from?" He was like, "just leave until it's time for kid to go to school." I went out and we kept arguing over text. I failed a lot at this part. More focused on myself and on what he was saying that I disagreed with rather than empathizing. I'm trying not to be defensive but I also feel completely blindsided by this. I don't get what I did wrong (this morning, not the affair part). I don't get how I could have been better. And now it's at the point where he's angry and hates me. He's saying that he wants to sell the house and us all move apart, which I don't get how that's going to work. If that was an option he'd be gone already. He had agreed before to be a witness for the title IX case and now is saying he won't do it. Which is ok, it was too much to ask and I figured he'd change his mind. Really hurtful is he's not pulling any punches right now, saying that he's embarrassed to be seen anywhere with me now, how I'm a clown value, high drama, cheating whore and he can't wait til he's rid of me and has room for a mentally stable, low drama, high value, respectful, charming woman. That I'm hopeless and never going to change.

And I'm starting to wonder, is it true? Have I been deluding myself about it all? I was just telling my therapist that I thought I was better or becoming better than AP, because 1. I see the affair more realistically now while AP still says he was "in love" with me (which was his excuse for violating me) 2.I'm willing to go to the hearing and be honest about the shameful things I did and he's still lying, and 3. I didn't rape anyone. I still feel like I'm better looking than AP too sometimes. So maybe I actually haven't made any progress and I'm just still arrogant and shitty.

I wish BS still loved me. I wish I was still in love too. I still love BS greatly. I want to do the work for me, but also for him because I don't want to hurt him anymore. But the innocence of our marriage is gone. I don't think of him or our relationship and feel happy and safe anymore. There's no more stability in my life. He was my ride or die, my rock. Now he can walk out any moment, and that's his right. BS wants me to call the lawyer today about what selling the house would look like. I don't want to. I'm supposed to be calling lawyers for the case anyway and I just don't want to do more. I also just don't want to call the lawyer only to be "nevermind" if BS changes his mind again.

I know I'm probably missing a bunch of blindspots and welcome anyone pointing them out. I probably sound like a big whiney baby right now. But that's why I'm posting this because I need a wack of reality. I know I don't have a right to complain about the mess I created. But I want to complain. So humble me.

So I too wanted to get an A in reconciling and healing. But life isn’t something you get a grade for. It’s going to be a long process.

Most of what you are saying is stuff you likely wouldn’t have noticed before. Noticing is important, practicing is important, and failing is just something that happens when you are trying.

You need to understand you are not going to go from being one way to the other overnight. It’s mindfulness over thousands of tiny things.

I think in terms of listening to your neighbor and being compliant is something to think about. You were people pleasing. Why? And why do you prioritize pleasing a neighbor over your spouse? This isn’t me putting you down or trying to make you feel bad. This is something you need to ask yourself as part of the patterns you are trying to recognize.

Your husband said "wow" because your instinct to let your child "go to the wolves" is concerning. Do you have issues with executive functioning? It sounds like when you get stressed or overwhelmed prioritizing falls apart as does empathy. Again, not shaming you.

Instead of judging yourself as failing or passing, and riding that roller coaster of "I am good/I am bad" start thinking more in terms of "am I happy with how I handled that?" "What should I have done instead?" "Where did I learn that?" Ask questions of curiosity about your behavior.

Also just because two people are frustrated with each other (napkins) doesn’t mean anything at face value. No two people are going to live together and not get cranky. I think that part of it concerns me less than the other situations you described. But following up is important to resolve things. "Honey, I don’t know why I felt so cranky with that. I will do better with the drawer.

It sounds a little like all conflict weighs sort of equally to you in terms of importance or urgency. it also sounds like you are trying but your shame makes you be very hard on yourself. Try and skip the self judgment, instead think of new ways to cope with certain things through brainstorming and try one of the other solutions next time.

Changing behavior comes down to changing thoughts. Look up catastrophizing because that is common toxic thinking practice.

Compassion for others comes from compassion with ourselves.

Love for others and the ability to receive love comes from loving ourselves.

I think in terms of listening to your neighbor and being compliant is something to think about. You were people pleasing. Why? And why do you prioritize pleasing a neighbor over your spouse? This isn’t me putting you down or trying to make you feel bad. This is something you need to ask yourself as part of the patterns you are trying to recognize.

This is a good point and something that I haven't been thinking about today.

I felt uncomfortable when I'd run into the neighbor outside. I was avoiding having the conversation of "I'm not going to get the yard cut right away" with her, but didn't want to have the uncomfortable feeling. So I picked a time that I thought wouldn't be disruptive to BS and did it. Me taking over everything and making decisions rather than sharing information and deciding together.

[Quote]Your husband said "wow" because your instinct to let your child "go to the wolves" is concerning. Do you have issues with executive functioning? It sounds like when you get stressed or overwhelmed prioritizing falls apart as does empathy. Again, not shaming you.

I agree with you that it's concerning. I don't think my beliefs are "right". I was sharing them because I was realizing that it's a belief that was there that wasn't in line with the type of parent I want to be. I do have issues with executive function, but it probably has more to do with being raised by parents who were the "throw the kid outside all day and let them figure it out" parents. It sounds right that I lose the ability to prioritize and empathize when overwhelmed, if I even have them.

It sounds a little like all conflict weighs sort of equally to you in terms of importance or urgency.

Yes. I thought this was getting better.

I'm tired. I miss how many good days there used to be. Now they're the rare exception. I feel selfish complaining because it's my fault we aren't having good days. How long does this near constant misery stage last? I know that it's still early but I feel discouraged. Is there actually a part in R where enough healing can happen that the hatred isn't there? Do you start having mostly good days again? Do you fall back in love, do things ever feel stable and secure again, or when people say they've R'd do they really mean that they have just learned to live with the pain?

I'm not giving up still.

The answers to those questions vary from situation to situation.

It takes many years to heal from infidelity. The pain of it subsides when you learn to think differently and therefore behave differently.

The concept of having good days is one I used to have. It’s fear of conflict. As you work on yourself, becoming more secure and confident in yourself conflict won’t bother you so much. You will not overthink so much, you will give yourself and others grace. Perhaps start a gratitude practice. It’s known to rewire your brain.

If you are already tired it’s just because you are working against your grain. That’s normal. Try and frame that tiredness by thinking of it as you are trying to work new muscles.

Stop trying to be perfect and beating yourself up. Focus on the next right thing and the next.

The concept of having good days is one I used to have. It’s fear of conflict.

So this actually helped me tonight. In the very first days, I don't remember why, but I was telling my BS that there were rumors in my class that *somebody* was having sex in the student lounge and unisex bathroom. At the time I knew I was minimizing, because the full truth was by "rumors", I meant the program director sent an email to the cohort saying they had received "anonymous reports" of someone having sex in the student lounge and bathroom and kindly please stop doing that. Yes, it was AP and I (and the other women AP was sleeping with and lied to me about).

I've been thinking about that more, and realized I needed to be honest to BS about the source of my knowledge of the rumors. I tried to justify it (well, he does *technically* know, it wasn't a lie, it'll be in the timeline). I really didn't want to tell him. It's probably the most embarrassing part of the whole affair. I'm pretty ashamed of it now and deeply disapprove of what I did. I decided to tell my BS anyway. Right before I opened my mouth, I thought, "Do I really want to ruin how nice I feel right now? It's been so long since I've felt this good." (I did some nice things for myself this evening.) But then your words popped in my head and I said it, and another difficult thing that I had been avoiding. He didn't really say much about the email things, though we talked about the other thing a little more. I have a feeling we might talk more about the email when he's had time to process his emotions, but it also might not be that big of a deal. He had already known about the public sex itself and us getting caught. Not avoiding difficult topics is getting easier to do thanks to the support I've been getting from you and others here.

At least if the email comes up in the Title IX hearing I'll be more desensitized to talking about it. 🤡 God, I did some [italics]really[/italics] stupid things.

All of us ws all have done things we are embarrassed and humiliated by. But always remember those feelings are something to tune into because the reason we feel that way is because it’s our internal guidance system. If you pay attention your emotions and even physical feelings communicate strongly to suggest thoughts and behaviors that align better with our highest selves.

Self awareness is a journey and that guidance system you will find if you tap into it, will lead you to the next version of yourself. Keep it up.