SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mate, reading all this..

It doesnt seem like your wife truly likes you much.

She might feel after the affair she has to be indentured to you but it opposes it by taking control i.e the sex and occasionally if she feels you've fucked up, then the venom appears and you get it in the neck.

You didn't deal with the affair. She had no consequences for her actions except having to deal with you.

Nothing about the life you have described seems nurturing or substantive.

There will always be a birthday, a trip, an occasion as a reason not to cut loose. Always

Thank for the comments again. When this all came to light and we were trying to sort it out my WW told me to delete thr screenshots of the messages I had saved. I didn't don't and have gone back to read them again, they are bad and I don't know how I ever thought I could accept them.

T2g, you can’t change the past. Sadly, we don’t get do overs. What we do get is the ability to change things going forward.
Your marriage sounds like it is toxic to both of you. Instead of both wringing your hands sit down with a divorce lawyer and see how to do this quickly and fairly.
Life is too darn short to keep living in misery.

It's a feat of endurance and self-sacrifice that you lasted this long.

Does you WW suspect this is coming or has it already happened and how did she respond.

It really feels from everything you wrote that you will spend years getting trickle truth and even then only get 5%.

I don't know which is worse that she lied to you for six damn years or that she thinks you believe her that it was all handholding and kisses on the cheek

T2Go

I’m a big fan of honesty.

Now maybe you have absolutely no desire to save your marriage. You’re beyond your limits and you just want to be done with it. I could understand that. And if that’s the case, then ignore what I am suggesting.

But if you are prepared to end things, but are still wishing there was a way to turn things around, let me know what you think of this.

They say "you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save the marriage ". Well I think you already have the first part of that sentence covered. You clearly feel that the marriage is over and have come to terms with losing it.

So if that’s the case, when you start the machinations of working with a D lawyer, I recommend you be completely honest with her one last time, and … tell her absolutely what you need from her as your wife to be in this relationship and actually enjoy it.

Now perhaps she is ready for it to be over too. But with her always sharing her fears of you leaving or cheating, I highly doubt she wants that.

So once you have your ducks lined up with the process in your region to end the relationship, if it were me, I’d sit her down and say something like:

As you have guessed I’m sure, I am not happy with the way things are. Your cheating 6 years ago truly damaged my heart, and to be honest, you’ve done little to nothing to help me heal it.

The way we interact shows me you had much more in your heart for your affair partner than you ever have had for me. You don’t treat me a fraction as well as you treated her. I need a partner who loves and cares for and yes desires me and is willing to show it.

You’ve done none of that. Now if that woman was the love of your life, I want you to be happy and you should pursue a relationship with her. But if I am that person, and the way you treat me I cannot imagine I am, then I need to feel it. I do not right now.

What do I mean by that? I need to feel that my happiness is as important to you as your own. That you care that I am happy and you want to do things to contribute to making my life fulfilling. That’s what a partnership is. If you do that for me, after all you’ve done to hurt me in the past then you will feel it back from me as well.

But all I see in you is someone who worries about herself and herself alone. Focused only on you. And that is not something I want to be a part of anymore.

Now if I am the person you want to share the rest of your life with, and I want you to think hard and long about that, but if I am, then I need to see change in you if you want me to consider staying in this relationship.

And here are just some suggestions to start with if you are interested in trying:

1- research a real plan to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. Present me a draft of that plan a week from today

2- get back into therapy with an infidelity specialist. Work with them on fixing what was broken in you and caused you to cheat

3- think about me every day and what you might do big or small to contribute to my happiness. If I see it I’ll return it, but this discussion isn’t about me right now

4- show interest and desire about being with me and doing things with me

5- that includes intimacy. Show me you desire physical contact to go with the emotional

6- write to me. Write me letters about what I mean to you and show me in them that you understand how hurt i was when you broke our marriage vows. Especially when you didn’t even cut contact with your cheating partner right when I found out

7- you figure out other things you should do to make this a happy marriage again. You act like you don’t trust me, but I’m the most trustworthy person in this relationship. You cheated. Not me, so how can you rebuild my trust in you. Figure it out.

Now here is the most important part. Right now, I’m done. I can’t take the way things are right now. So I’m going to start the legal process to end this marriage. I will keep you apprised of all the next steps. I will be honest and open with you about this as I have been in this discussion.

The process is long. Can take months and probably years, so you have lots of time to decide what you care about and if anything I have said to you resonates with you.

I’m not holding my breath. You’ve shown me over the years that you are the most important person to you, not me, so I am not expecting that to change.

I wish you well in finding your happiness. I was hoping it was with me, but I don’t see that in you these days. I’m going on without you right now to heal from the last 6 years. If you want to be part of that, you’ll show me in your actions.

Words are cheap, actions prove what is truly in your heart and mind.

Then Stop talking. Start working with the lawyer and also consider finding yourself a good trauma therapist.

I wish you well and keep posting.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:54 PM, Tuesday, June 18th]