Hey M.
To me the MAIN issue you are dealing with is the trust issue. If this is the "only" issue in the marriage and generally the marriage is a good one then deal with the trust issue using the trust-but-verify method. Only remember that if you repeatedly verify and she’s doing what she says she’s doing you are allowed to give her some slack – with time.
But if you want to stay married – get to the bottom of the REASON for her spending, and make sure she get’s help in dealing with that.
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I know the surveys vary but many place financial infidelity/differences as the second or third most common reason for divorce. The ranking isn’t the issue though, but rather the indication that issues like the one you are dealing with are extremely dangerous for a marriage.
IMHO there are a couple of issues here that you need to address:
First there is the need to know where each and every dime of the money went. Does she have a substance abuse issue? Gambling? Shopping? Her spending needs to be understood before there is an iota of a chance of changing things. You need to trace withdrawals, charges and spendetures to actual purchases. Like if she says she spent xxx on shoes – you want to see those shoes and you need to confirm that xxx is realistic. If she has a deeper issue (drug or gambling) you NEED to KNOW.
The old form of trust is gone. This could (and should) apply on all levels and IMHO is near-inevitable in all relationships. The old blind-trust is fantasy and should be replaced with a trust but verify. If the verification shows things are as they are said to be then with time the need for verification lessens.
A practical example: I was the treasurer of a large association. At my first board meeting I demanded that one of the first items on the agenda of every meeting was that I shared a printout of our accounts, as well as explained the main cost-outlays. I was told by the board this wasn’t necessary – they trusted me. I insisted, and now a couple of years after I quit I know this is still standard practice. Takes all of five minutes, but establishes a level of trust and accountability. You need to apply something comparable to your marital lives.
Second is the realization of the legal impact of marriage. This might vary between states and countries, but generally marriage makes a couple as one as far as certain financial- and legal aspects are concerned. You probably can’t go purchase a house and sign a mortgage without your wife’s written consent or signature. You can’t tell the collectors only to take her half of your joint asset if she doesn’t pay her credit-card.
In your example: If your wife says she placed 1000 in a long-term savings account you get to see the deposit-slip.
This goes further though IMHO. A couple can decide that one manages the finances, yet I believe both need to be totally aware of what’s going on. You both sit down regularly (wife and I do this last week of every month) and go over the finances: This is what’s coming in, this is what’s going out. These bills are paid, these are late, these will get paid. This cash is going to savings – here is our online bank-account showing that savings that were 10000 last month are now 11000 because I did what we said I would do.
This doesn’t mean you can’t spend money on a new fishing-rod, or she never buys shoes. It just means that the purchase is within budget and no major surprise to the other.
The practical aspect of who pays the bills, prints the checks or makes the deposits is not the issue. If it’s your wife then maybe for the next months (even years) you might want to ensure that if she says utilities is 500 that there is an invoice for 500 and later on a payment for 500. But within a reasonable time you start to know to expect a 450-550 utility-bill, and that since the lights are still on middle of the month it’s probably paid. Yet you never get rid of the task of being accountable for budgeting and confirming the budget, input and outlay, with your wife.
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Finally – IF YOU WANT THIS MARRIAGE and if you can get to the bottom of why she’s spending...
Maybe the best thing I have done for my marriage is when my wife and I decided to combine our finances and work as a unified team towards life-goals that are impacted by finances. Like becoming debt-free, planning for holidays, pensions and savings.
Doesn’t mean she or I are financially dependent on each other. We have our separate checking-accounds where our separate wages are deposited. But we have total access to both, and we distitbute the money as needed. We both have separate savings that we try to keep equal – even if that means taking money from her account to deposit in my savings (and vice-versa).
I don’t gripe about her spending money on her interests, and she doesn’t gripe about me. This is because things are discussed and we have some joint goals. Me spending XX on a new power-tool will not impact our goal for a family-vacation this year, goal for having saved for a new(ish) truck next year, goal of having XXXX in savings outside our 401k and ROTH and all that...
This required quite a lot of work in the beginning. Now – my wife generally lets me know what we have left at the end of the month and what our total expenditure will be. Seldom surprises me because I too am on top of it. We then discuss what to do with the rest.
