SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this topic has been addressed multiple times but I need to read about it again. And i can’t seem to search the topic in SI. I would be grateful if you would share your insights and experiences. Thank you.

What makes affairs so addictive? How are they different than other romantic relationships? Why are there so many relapses with affairs? Why do waywards continue to go back to the AP even after Dday? My WH is my one and only so i don’t have any past relationships to compare to. Do people break off and go back with their lovers in normal romantic relationship like they do in affairs? Do waywards take longer to get over their AP’s than they would have in normal romantic relationships?

I was the betrayed spouse but I can tell you that my husband told me I should have an affair to understand how addictive they are and how difficult it is to shake them off.

I think it is due to the fact it is a "bubble", an illusion. They are not in a normal setting and everything seems so magic because you rarely have time to get to know the affair partner in depth. It us all a dirty game where you experience high emotions and you nurture those emotions, you dodge all the situations where reality can kick in, you are never sharing duties, for example, so you have no idea how they would be if you were in a normal relationship with them where you have to share duties, so you can IMAGINE they would share fairly but you actually don’t know, so you stick to the IDEA you have of them. I honestly believe it is not about the affair partner, how special they really are, but about the emotions you end up experiencing due to the secrecy, the idea that you are doing something transgressive.

Does it make sense? Can any cheater confirm or dismiss?

I hope you find your peace because our spouses have really put us in a place we didn’t want to be.

[This message edited by Molly65 at 8:15 PM, Monday, March 4th]

Not all affairs are addictive.

Those that are is because it’s an insecure attachment. The highs and lows are what Creates it. The lows are very low in an affair, so then when another high is reached it literally releases large doses of dopamine in the brain.

Let’s take a gambling addiction as an explaine because it’s easier to see the pattern. You win, you feel at the top of your game and invincible. Then you lose, lose, lose, trying to capture the feeling once again. On the next win, the amount of dopamine is higher. And the longer until the next win, the low might be lower. People who have gambling addictions watch their money go, they have to sell stuff, they face financial ruin, and ignore all of it because they know the next win is around the corner.

People with limerence, they often have abandonment issues, past situations of obsessive unrequited love, they sometimes are obsessive compulsive.

People think it’s like infatuation or falling in love with their spouse for example. It’s not. When you were falling for your spouse, you were probably clear as to what you liked about them. You cared about their well being. For me, I don’t think I cared what happened to the AP as long as he showed up to make me feel the things I was looking for in having the affair. I don’t think it meets the definition of what love is. It’s not a healthy attachment.

That being said no addiction starts without some conscious decisions to begin all of it. So the addiction didn’t cause the affair, the ws causes the affair, the addiction is just something that can form as a result.

I don’t think I ever missed the AP. I missed how the AP allowed me to feel in my own quest to believe I was a younger, sexier, more vibrant version of myself.

In terms of neurochemistry, affairs can stimulate the release of some very addictive neurotransmitters: Dopamine from the good feelings (I suspect this is more of a component with EAs). Adrenaline from the secrecy and danger. Endorphins from the sex for PAs, porn, massage parlors, etc.

To add to what hikingout said, dopamine is what drives our motivation and habits, and it gets depleted easily, so it can cause intense cravings. My WS had the hallmark symptoms of withdrawal - pale, shaky, irritable, high BP - after he finally went NC. He was in a 3 year EA+PA, so his brain was deeply attached to the feelings he got from his AP.

You asked about normal relationships - people definitely experience the pain of heartbreak there and find it hard to let go of their romantic partners. Breaking any kind of strong emotional attachment is physically difficult. That's one of the reasons that people who drift apart have an easier time letting go than if one person unexpectedly dumps someone. And to flip the script, look at how hard it is for the BS to walk away from the WS even when that's the obvious choice to everyone else.

From my knowledge of neuropsych (some training here) I think there are addictive factors at play even in the earliest days that lead to an A. The subconscious/lizard brain knows it liked that pretty/cute girl/guy validation and it starts to seek more out, even before the conscious brain is aware. So the process is almost seamless as the conscious brain gets hijacked into thinking the AP seems like a great person, the spouse seems kinda annoying, more flawed than usual, etc etc. The conscious brain thinks it is reasoning appropriately (it’s okay to do a few lines of coke if its a weekend…) but really its not. It is now hostage to the lizard brain and the lizard brain is good at calling the shots. Obviously some substances are incredibly addictive (heroin) and some are less so (cake). We don’t really know quantitatively or comparatively how addictive this validation/sexual interest stuff is. There are no good studies, maybe someday there will be Obviously plenty of people resist it. But, I do believe (and again there are no actual studies on this either) that the difference between someone who develops a substance addiction and someone who can try something a few times and stop is sometimes circumstance. It is sometimes genes but things like other health or mental health issues, the loss of a job, the loss of a child etc etc can definitely help tip people into addictive behavior. No excuses here though. There’s a reason folks in AA say « I’m an alcoholic » for the rest of their life.

There’s a reason folks in AA say « I’m an alcoholic » for the rest of their life.

I agree with this. I think a lot of ws who are addicted to their affair also have other addictive tendencies. While I don’t feel like I have the need or desire to cheat again, the things that led down that path are things I will need to be vigilant about for the rest of my life. I don’t feel like I am white knuckling or anything like that, and I don’t feel tempted towards that.

It is more being vigilant over my connection with myself and others. To recognize when I am in low grade depression, or when I am disassociated too much day to day. The first 18 years of my life taught me isolation in the midst of chaos, and it’s easy for me to go into that. To kind of stay below the radar. It’s weird because if you knew me you would probably call me bubbly or happy. And I do think that I am these things a lot. It’s just like when I am not, you wouldn’t see a difference in me, it becomes a mask rather than a reflection of where I really am. So these are all very ingrained tendencies that I stay vigilant over, and I could mention many others. The difference though is I am aware of them and know their dangers now.

I read a book on a negative marriage spiral that I think is related to this as well. It was more slanted toward WW but works both ways I think. Here is the cycle in some marriages, although not all A start like this but some do:

Early marriage good relationship, good sex life

Life gets busy, work kids or whatever, emotional needs are not being fully met. At the same time some women's sex drive diminishes. This cycle does 2 things: often the woman's need for emotional intimacy not being met means they feel unloved and the man's need for love via sex is also diminishing as sex life drops. So both parties potentially feel unloved to some degree. And one may exacerbate the other: I don't feel loved so I am not in the mood for sex, I don't get enough sex so I don't feel loved and then I don't give emotional intimacy.

Now either man or woman is ripe for an A if they do not have good boundaries and/or they have significant interior issues they are plagued with relared to self esteem or whatever.

The addiction related piece is that neither one is getting what they need so when they start getting it from someone else, the dopamine kicks in potentially very strongly. It can be very powerful... making them feel like this must be true love because why else would I feel this way? I dont feel this way with my spouse, but I do with AP. Not logical in many cases as they dont really even know each other. The author explained that if the woman is wayward and her sex drive had diminshed somewhat during marriage with her husband that it can come roaring back with AP due to this dynamic.

As I mentioned, it is clear that not all A follow this pattern. But quite a few are related. The addictive nature of the dopamine release is certainly a very real thing and it drives people to do and say a lot of things they otherwise wouldn't.

The other thing that comes to mind is a sexual fantasy. Most people have at least a few and they can be pretty powerful. Thinking about it turns you on or helps you orgasm more quickly. It helps me understand the nature of an A because now imagine you are getting this switch flipped through texting, sexting, conversations and secret hookups. It's a fantasy but it's being driven with interactions with another person, sometimes hindreds a day with texts etc, instead of just in our own mind. When I think of that I think what it would be like to turbocharge my sexual fantasies like that and it sounds pretty powerful, doesn't it?

I am not saying that all A are about sex, just comparing the A fantasy to something most people have...a sexual fantasy.

[This message edited by Trdd at 12:12 PM, Tuesday, March 5th]

Thank you all for your replies. They make a lot of sense.

Trdd
Do you recall the name of the book you referred to?

The Three Marriage Enigmas

Trdd:
Thank you