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My wife’s POSOM was supposedly cheated on (or maybe he just lied that for sympathy). But I hate him all the more for having experienced this and then inflicting it on me. That truly seems like the worst to me, to feel this and then callously inflict it on another.

Same. Supposedly, AP was cheated on, got pregnant in false R, and then her XH left her and wouldn't have anything to do with the child. Do you know it never occurred to me until just now (at least that I can recall) that maybe that child wasn't his? That maybe she was the one who cheated?

Do you know it never occurred to me until just now (at least that I can recall) that maybe that child wasn't his? That maybe she was the one who cheated?

Aren’t all these lies such a mind fuck? You don’t even realize how much you should doubt what liars tell you. We were riding in the car and discussing some parenting stuff that included one of our kids lying to us and how that was such a shame that we couldn’t take them at their word. My wife seemed to have an epiphany moment, wondering how others perceive her now. It would have been encouraging except it is absurd how obvious that is and she is only now wondering it AND it seemed to come with a dose of self pity.

LTAP survivor here.

WH LTA started 6/2014. Was found out 7/2017 then went underground until I found out [again] and exposed to OBS in 10/2018. In 3/2021 I discovered she had been creating fake profiles to follow WH on social media and try to reach out. I intercepted one of the [previously ignored] messages where she uploaded her "photo" I exposed that to OBS, then WH.

This LTA was cake eating at it finest. What I have learned over the years is it was "good" for about 6-12 months then turned toxic. BUT kept going because...ego kibbles. WH would "try" to break it off and LTAP knew just what to say/do to keep his weak ass on the string. WH WAS WEAK.

Oversimplified - he was cake eating. All the good of home, hearth, family - and all the cheap thrills of cheap thrills.

Bottom line - they do it because they want to. Any other "justification" is a lame ass excuse.

Crazyblindsided

^^^

What this poster said.

I've never had an affair, but I have been so sexually deprived in periods of our marriage that I wondered what it would be like, both pre and post D-Day.

I work in a female dominated industry with a lot of single, divorced, and WS female coworkers, I have had multiple married female coworkers interested in me in the past and had to have one removed from working with me because of her repeated approaches, opportunities have abounded (two people were fired from my current workplace recently for fucking repeatedly in the bathroom, apparently they did not realize that everyone could hear them in administration). I could not imagine doing that to my wife before her affair.

Now, since D-day, I cannot imagine putting anyone through what I went through. Yet, by my own admission, I'm not a very empathetic person.

To do it for years, to betray someone so pervasively, to gaslight them over and over?

I'm not wired that way (yet) and at my age I'm running out of time to get rewired.

[This message edited by standinghere at 7:49 AM, Sunday, March 3rd]

Through my own reconciliation process, i've come to realize my WW's ~9 year affair/inappropriate relationship/whatever-the-f*kc was so long because it never became "real" as she likes to say. They mostly persisted over Skype, email, and text, and were never on the same continent to make it physical and "real". So the sexting and related conversations that went on was firmly in the "fantasy" category for my WW. Sexting also seemed to fulfill both of their sexual needs (he was raging narcissist, she had a kink for exhibitionism), and their arrangement worked for that purpose. They also didn't talk for months sometimes, which no doubt kept things fresh and new-relationship-energy strong. My wife is also a champion compartmentalizer (something I used to admire, as I am horrible at it), so I think she genuinely had no issues keeping her "real" life and "fantasy" life separate.

Of course, it was "real" to me, and sadly my WW still has not quite grasped this, as she frequently hand-waives things as "it was just a fantasy" or "I was never ACTUALLY thinking about leaving you." What really gets me in the end though, is that she made the choice (for 9 years) to do this to me. Over and over and over. That choice, i think, was made easier for her in that she conducted her affair on the periphery of her life (e.g., a text here, a picture there), and all she really had to do was put her phone in her pocket to hide it and resume her life. I frequently think of one particular situation - she's at home taking an elaborately staged nude picture for him, and I walk in 5 minutes after she sends it - and remember that she simply wanted to do it and our marriage just didnt mean enough to her to stop.

It is their escape from reality, it becomes an addiction.

Somebody wrote it is a real relationship. I tend to disagree. The reason why they can last long is because the affair partner is someone whom you don't know for real and you can project all the fantasy you want in them. Everything is is beautiful because it is only in your head. And because you only see the beautiful, you become accustomed to positive emotions that do not depend from the person per se, but your mental disposition towards them.

My husband's ex AP's messages are clearly written by a person who has idealised the real person my husband is. Because she showed so much enthusiasm in praising him for his work related skills (to make an example), she offered him so much validation that it is hard to let go of someone who adores you so much. But it is all due to the fact she doesn't know him. I am not saying he hasn't got the skills she was praising in him, but the fact that she focused on the positive aspects of my husband's character shows she has not experienced his flaws. She has an idealised picture in her head of my husband and my husband has the same idealisation of her in his head.

I asked my husband how many times she saw him angry, kicking off for trivial things and he said "never". That was enough for me to understand their dynamics were not normal or real. He gets angry and very easily, but they always met in idealised circumstances and she never came across his real self. Besides when you have a partner and you live where their parents live as well, unless you have no relationship with them, you normally spend at least special days with them. I can assure anyone that dealing with my in-laws has been the biggest challenge in my life (after the betrayal). They are toxic, unbearable and vicious. The FB wouldn't have lasted a month if she had had to deal with them. She wouldn't have put up with their sh** as I have done for 40 years. That is another field which would have triggered arguments she never experienced and she would have stopped idealising him. Probably she would have legged it.

In conclusion there is no real relationhip because all the A is based on an escape from reality.

Getting what one wants out of an affair relationship is what determines the length of the affair.

What do the waywards and affair people want is highly subjective and may even be complicated.

It ends when one party or both no longer satisfy the wants.

Or when one is found out.

Long terms are usually fully in the cake eater camp. If it was true Luv, they would have left to be together full time. Nothing would keep them apart. If they were a NRE junky they would have moved on to fresh APs. They want to have what they get from the actual relationship and the extra from the affair. You don't need the NRE to keep that going. It's less the chemical high and more being selfish and wanting more than any one person can provide. The affairs would seldom last if they had to stand on its own.

When, reading these posts, I often wondered how WS can fool their BS for such long timeframes myself. The only way I can see it happening for years is if the WS travels a lot. When I cheated on my ex-W, it was more of the ONS variety. I cheated on my current wife while we were engaged. The affair lasted some months. It was easy to carry out since my then GF now wife's schedule didn't always coincide with mine. I broke it off with the OW when the OW said she was in love with me. My wife never knew. I planned to take it to my grave. I eventually told my wife a few years ago after I started reading on SI. She said it was so many years ago and it didn't matter. She said she was the one that ended up with me and that is what counted to her. We have had a faithful monogamous marriage for 40+ years since we married.

[This message edited by atomic_mess at 2:52 PM, Monday, April 15th]

My WH’s affair wasn’t long term but I do believe affairs are based on manipulation (telling each other what the other wants to hear) and as long as that lasts, the excitement remains.

Ow in WH’s affair was single (and allegedly a former BS who’s WH left her for his AP) but after taking more time to understand her lifestyle, I believe that a relationship where she wasn’t expected to invest much was what she was looking for, sweet nothings when meeting up, exciting sex, feeling special as now she wasn’t the deceived one, she was the one deceiving, hence why, if WH wouldn’t have started sending smoke signals (to me), it would have most likely turned into a long term A.

You meet once in a while, you talk about how amazing you both are (and from time to time you bitch about your spouse to validate your choice to have an affair), have illicit sex which by definition adds excitement to your life, what’s not to like? No responsibility, no bills to pay, no kids to interrupt your time together, no real life issues to deal with jointly…

I often wondered how WS can fool their BS for such long timeframes myself. The only way I can see it happening for years is if the WS travels a lot.

Or if the BS is firmly entrenched in the story that they've told themself about who their WS is and is thus incapable of recognizing or properly categorizing red flags.