SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks IH.

Needless to say, this has added a whole new dimension to my life. The last few years have been "shit omelette, followed by shit sandwich, followed by shit sundae".

Can’t say I have gotten used to the taste.

I appreciate the kind words and I am determined to hold on to my integrity despite my wife’s lack for most of our marriage. Obviously, this is all very hard on her as well and I try to keep that perspective.

Final piece of the thread jack and we can go back to "regularly scheduled programming”:

PSA: whether you are WS or BS, R, S or D. Think long and hard about what infidelity can do to your closest relationship and consider "is this who I want to be responsible for me (or responsible for) in my (our their) greatest hour of need"?

Life is full of “trap doors” beyond infidelity.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 8:43 PM, Monday, November 20th]

Thanks for your reply IMA.

If she isn’t cancer free and the prognosis is poor, I will eat the shit sandwich until she passes and no one will ever know.

I can only hope your UW can begin to appreciate your sacrifice and selflessness.

Thank you for this post. Somethings i cannot forgive. I have accepted they happened but I cannot forgive and I don’t have to forgive them.

As far as the the anger of the act I considered it a gift to remind me what is unacceptable to me.

Since we are playing the definition game, I think "earned (partial) forgiveness" is a requirement for R but not to stay M'd.

I don't like her book "after the affair" ( too much blame shifting), but I do think "how can I forgive you" by Janis spring is an excellent book.

It speaks to acceptance, "cheap forgiveness", and "earned forgiveness".

Often we think of forgiveness as forgive and forget. But there is certainly no forgetting an A. There is no complete absolution.

Since we are playing the definition game, I think "earned (partial) forgiveness" is a requirement for R but not to stay M'd.

I guess I'd have to ask what is meant by earned partial forgiveness.

If I broke the affair down into many separate actions(treating me poorly; lying about specific incidences, etc.), I am sure that I have forgiven some of the 'lesser' offenses. But when it is looked at as a whole, then no, *I* haven't forgiven. But to be fair, forgiveness is on me, and to be honest, I truly believe that it is a *me* issue that is unable to forgive....because something inside me knows that it wouldn't be authentic. I can't lie to myself. I treat my wife like a *forgiven* person and partner, but if she was to ask me point blank(she has never asked me for forgiveness), I would tell her that I have not. I also believe that she would expect that response, as she sees her actions as unforgivable.

I often compare this to a religious faith. A person may do and act accordingly to a religion, but if they don't believe it in their heart and mind, they can't lie to themselves to make it happen....no matter how much they act in accordance to those tenets. Ask me how I know.....

@jb, curious what you mean by this. What does it look like IRL?

I treat my wife like a *forgiven* person and partner

My reconciliation path definitely was not linear. I didn't even know if I wanted to reconcile for the first couple of years. My youngest was about to enter high school, and I figured I could kick the can down the road for a few years...and see what I wanted then. Looking back, fear weighed in on my decision-making, but after my first few months of 'pick me', and the shifty results, I had a shift in attitude.

I always considered my wife the 'better' half. I married up, and she was on a pedestal that she didn't ask to be put on. After Dday, that changed. I was the 'one-up'. There wasn't a sentence she could say that I didn't have a wise-ass remark ready to go. Sometimes I bit my tongue; sometimes not. I held the moral high ground, at least in my mind, and my choices reflected such.

It wasn't for a few years, especially after 2015, that I saw how sincere she was. I didn't abuse her prior, other than a reasonable amount of neglect, but the 'actions over time' formula was starting to have it's affect on me. She was more than welcome to divorce any time prior, but she didn't, and I don't believe that it was (1) fear of losing her lifestyle, or (2) feeling that she had to stay as penance. I believe she wanted to stay because she wanted me and the marriage.

By this point, I wanted the closeness that we once had. I had to get uncomfortable and vulnerable to get back to a pre-affair type marriage. Those punishing thoughts/comments disappeared. I didn't feel the need to bring up the affair. The only times it got brought up was when she did so to reiterate her apologies. I had ONE INCIDENT in 2020 that rankled me, but I was aware that I might have some issues around that time. Otherwise, it has been a good marriage once again.

Everything externally has shown that I forgive my wife, except for the fact that something inside me says that is not the case. That's why I say it's a *me* issue, but I don't really think it's a fault. Just a feeling I can't/won't let go of.