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Short recap - caught WH in his 4th EA in the last 12 years. I confronted October 2nd, he lied to me the very next morning, and we had it out again.

I know that this is fresher than fresh, but how in the heck do you deal with this new super attentive, super helpful person that WP's turn into after getting caught/confessing?

On the one hand, it's great. It's what I have wanted for, forever!

On the other hand, I want to throat punch him, or be snarky, or just cruel, or whatever.

Like, you could have been doing this THE WHOLE TIME and we would be in a completely different situation. You obviously CAN be this way and do these things, but you didn't. Was I not worth it then? What makes me worth it now?

How long will this actually last? Until you get tired of trying to be this new 'you' that you are now pretending to be so that I get off your back and you can go back to the real you?

My birthday is coming up. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told him I don't know. He said, well, I need to know what to get you.

HA, You have been with me for almost 15 years and you don't know me well enough to get me some birthday presents?

I told him I am not in the head space to even worry about my birthday. That part of me loves that he wants to get me things that I want, and the other part me wants to throw them at him.

He told me that my birthday is important to him and I ALMOST went off on him again. Cause you see ladies and gents - I turned 40 last year and all he got me was a CARD, from the kids. That's it. When I told him that, he's like "but we went to dinner and I took you to that one place after and you got somethings." Yes, we went to dinner, then we went to bath and body works, where I picked out my own presents, was rushed because they were closing, and that was that.

Happy 40th to me!

Is it normal to like them one minute and damn near hate them the next? How do I even start thinking about R if all I want to do is make him hurt like I hurt? Does this go away?

I’m headed out, but wanted to let you know you’ve been heard. Look up love bombing.
And stop listening to his words. Words are cheap and easy (like that card for your 40TH). Watch his actions, and watch over time. That’s where you will see real change and if it is sustainable.

As for the gift for your upcoming bday, even our cheater spouses aren’t mind readers. Some people are great at gift giving, some aren’t. It is not unfair for him to ask for a hint, especially if he normally not a great gift giver. What has he been like historically? Tell him what you want, and see what happens.

I will admit that I've always been a terrible gift giver. Long before I ever had any affair, it was just something I struggled with as a kid with my family and friends, and it continued into adulthood with my wife and family. Buying gifts for Christmas and Birthdays absolutely gives me anxiety and panic. It is an act that is filled with such anxiety and negative vibes that I procrastinate and push it off as long as possible until I can muster the courage to do it. I mean, literally, I get physically worked up over the thought of having to sit down and order a gift or even go to the store and it has been that way long before affairs. My wife and I have had a few arguments over the years about gifts because she really hurt my feelings over a gift that I put a lot of effort into getting her, only to be told that it was the "wrong color" and with that, we are now done with me giving gifts to her.

As for your WH, he appears to be love bombing you so that you will forget his affairs and things can return to some form of normal. He has had four EAs in 12 years. Looking back at mine, from 2009 to 2019, I had 3 EAs and the first EA in 2009 turned into a one night stand PA back in 2009. We later married in 2010, my wife was aware of the PA, but she chalked it up to being in the past, but the reality is we rug swept it, which is what lead to the others. I do not know what you have done after the first three EAs in these last 12 years, but I can tell you that you need to take a different approach with this 4th one, lest you will be discovering a 5th.

What consequences has your WH had following this most recent EA? Have you demanded he go full NC? Have you kicked his ass to the couch or guest room? Have you gotten serious about divorcing him? I mean, speaking from my own experiences, my wife was having an EA/PA that I didn't know about, but what was also true is that she was sick and tired of my EAs and she had had enough. When she finally brought up Divorce after my 3rd EA in a 10 year span, that is when I knew that I needed help and it is how I found this place eventually through my therapist's recommendation. I know that I'm a changed man from the one who had those EAs and it is because I actually had to face consequences for my As. My wife moved out of the bedroom. She went full 180 on me, didn't give a shit what I did or even really talk to me. Mind you, we didn't know what the 180 was, but she was absolutely doing it. I went to work fixing myself and trying to fix our marriage after I had damaged it so badly. Again, she was in an active affair and only after a couple of months of my actions meeting my words did she begin to see that I was deadly serious about growing myself and changing, did she speak up and tell me the truth about her EA/PA. It was a shit time, a time we've been revisiting these last few weeks as our 13 year old son has been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression issues that are very much linked to the trauma he had to deal with 4 years ago as his mother and father's marriage was on the brink of total collapse because of infidelity. My wife and I are sitting here last night, after a trip to the ER with our son, discussing how it was our selfish choices to cheat that lead us to where we are today with our son. I can assure you that there are few feelings in the world so awful than the pit in your stomach and guilt from your selfish cheating manifesting into a trauma response from your child. These are the ugly, ugly consequences that the cheater has to deal with.

Well, 10 years ago he was great at gift giving....not so much anymore. Almost like he got tired of it and resorted to me just telling him what I wanted.

The other side of that is, even when I tell him, I haven't gotten what I wanted so, it's been a chore for me for a while.

He is 'doing' things as well. He's already contacted a couple of therapists for himself and us together. I will get individual therapy from which ever place he gets the appointment from. I told him I wasn't doing it this time, it was all on him.

He gave me access to everything that I know of so far. Part of me is relived, the other part of me is like 'what did he delete already". Also, what is he deleting right away. I know that is something that I will need to work on. I think it was "trust but verify" around here.

Thank you for hearing me.

I will also say that one thing that is very different has been his reactions to when I do lose my cool.

Before, he would get really defensive or say something like "yeah, well you....(insert what I did)"

Since Friday after I caught him lying again, he's not tried to defend himself. Saying that he's sorry and telling me that he understands I am in pain and to say whatever I need to. He has told me that he would like to hug/hold me but didn't know if I was comfortable with that right now.

I don't want to treat him poorly. I know that I am angry (and have a right to be) with him, but I also don't want that anger to become abusive. I don't want to say things that will hurt him, just to hurt him - but at the same time I do.

Bor9455

If it's love bombing, then I have apparently put on a bomb suit because I am not being sucked in this time around.

She went full 180 on me, didn't give a shit what I did or even really talk to me. Mind you, we didn't know what the 180 was, but she was absolutely doing it.

I have looked up the 180 and found that I also have been doing this at about 90% since the second EA. I will see about fully doing it and more correctly now.

When she finally brought up Divorce after my 3rd EA in a 10 year span, that is when I knew that I needed help and it is how I found this place eventually through my therapist's recommendation.

Yes. One thing that we had agreed on was that we would never through Divorce around in fights or anger. For the first time in our marriage I told him that if he did not shape up, go to counseling, be open and honest with me, that I would file for divorce. I also told him that I may still file for divorce after we do counseling because I wasn't sure if I could recover this time. I told him that he needs to understand that all of the work we will be putting into this is not a guarantee, but I was willing to give it a shot at the very least.

But hearing that word physically affected him. I saw the change in his body language immediately. Almost like you, where he realized just what he had done and how badly it had hurt me.

My xWS would do this every time after an EA or PA was caught. Eventually I didn't care anymore what he was doing I was irritated by him and like you just wanted him to hurt. My xWS was not remorseful in the least and ended up putting me in False R. I never came back from that and remained in limbo for another 5 years when I called it quits.

Only you will know what you can put up with, if he does the work from here on out and whether the M is salvageable.

I learned this from an online life coach:

If you want to know exactly how a person feels about you, write down all of their actions and not a single word that they have spoken to you. Then review your notes. Their feelings will be revealed. Hope it helps you figure out where you stand.