SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Very very interesting.

My W has had behavior similar to yours, Miserylikescompany, for 3 years now (intermittent).

It has affected me a lot (maladaptive anxiety, SSRI and anxiolytics).

I've been asking myself the same questions as you, from the other side.

-What is this; Limerence, Obsession, EA, narcissism, 50's crisis, revenge...? ...Or -Am I exaggerating,delirious-jealousy,hysteria?

I have asked family members, friends, psychologists, etc... answers of all kinds.

My W has always been very avoidant, not at all clear.

My conclusion is that she crossed the limits of commitment, broke trust, has been hiding/playing with/minimizing ideas, thoughts, feelings, fantasies, where our M and I are affected on the front line.

Now, I'm not sure, I have cards up my sleeve. We are estranged. It will never be the same. The only thing that keeps us in the M is our daughters.

PS we could define it benevolently as "Benching" or "Cockie Jarring"

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 5:49 PM, Tuesday, November 7th]

OP:

Let's leave your husband out for just a moment, because he is clearly wrong in both his affair and his use of your EA to justify his own PA.

What you had was definitely an EA. And yes, you are minimizing.

So, you considered not leaving for the CoW, yet you considered test driving him AFTER a hypothetical divorce? That is a distinction without a difference. Either way, you allowing him to own that much of your headspace was the real problem, and was (beyond a shadow of a doubt) an EA, and is the source of your hesitation to accept the truth of the situation.

I also suspect part of the reason you are hesitating to appropriately label your EA is because you lose some (not nearly all) of the moral high ground during a time that you are in pain. This is totally understandable, yet also wholly inappropriate.

As to your husband, I would simply put it to him as follows:

"Since you are using my EA to justify your PA, perhaps I should go find my coworker and blow him to even the score. Yeah, it sounds just as ridiculous when you say it as well."

I wouldn't tolerate that BS from him for one moment, BUT...it is hard to expect him to own his shit when you are hesitant to own yours. I hope it works for you.