I understand the 'down' feeling. Choosing to reconcile comes with a mixed bag of feelings. First, at what point are you actually reconciling? It's not when you decide to do it.. it's some unknown point in time AFTER that. Initially, it's almost always a BS dragging a WS along, smashing excuses like you're playing whack-a-mole, doubtful that you even have the full picture - wondering why you seem to want it more than them.
Some WS's are still in research mode at that point, most are still processing immense amounts of grief. Many are asking themselves "How did I let this happen?". Likely, you realize that YOU have a lot of issues to work out, too. You have to get through ALL of that and reach a point of optimism and calm before you're actually 'reconciling'.
Then you get to wonder if THEY are really on board - or if they're just phoning it in. You get hyper-vigilant.
You doubt everything. The BS often has to balance working through this new doubt while somehow celebrating the 'good' steps that their WS is taking. You have to ASK and ENCOURAGE the person who hurt you most to continue to NOT hurt you. After all of that, you might finally begin to feel like you're both 'reconciling'. Once it's actually going well, you begin to see how broken your WS is and how hard they're working on themselves - and you get to begin to wonder "What's so different NOW that makes them want to do this?". After all, YOU are either the exact same person they cheated on, or worse, you've realized that YOU have issues and you feel like LESS than the person they stepped out on. On top of that, you're probably moody and demanding and in need of re-assurance of some kind. How can you not wonder when the person who blew up your world is going to decide that you're just not worth it? I think that's when 'reconciliation actually starts.
The slow process of developing MUTUAL empathy and developing a NEW marriage One in which you as BS can experience your authentic feelings secure that your WS WANTS to understand and accept how badly they hurt you and WANTS to become a safe person. One in which you can empathize with the place your WS was in when they betrayed you and where you're proud of what they've accomplished.
This is when you have to walk the tightrope between being honest when you're feeling hopeless and broken (hoping they'll be there for you)- or holding back your feelings when you know they'd simply break if you don't somehow find the strength to selflessly be there for them when they need you.
It's insane.. AND... if you're really committed to it, you go through ALL of this because you feel in your heart that this is BETTER than losing this person you love. It's the loneliest feeling I've ever had. It's the hardest work I've ever done. AND it's the second time down this road for me.
[This message edited by suddenlyisee at 2:14 PM, Friday, October 13th]