So sorry. I almost never post, but a couple things here really hit me hard and so I feel for you and want you to know you're not alone.
When I read the line about he "swore on our children's names...", that really hit me. My WW (wife) swore on our children's LIVES I knew everything. Of course I didn't. She would only admit what I was able to find-out on my own, or could bluff her into giving-up.
And I KNOW, I still don't know everything and probably never will (nearly 2 years out). People with more wisdom than me on this forum will certainly point out how sadly typical this is.
The other thing that hit close to home for me is that my oldest certainly knows what has happened- not all the details. Nearly all of his best friends come from divorced family homes. Couple of them where infidelity was a factor. He has heard our arguments at times and he is such a great kid, early on he'd check-in with me about how I was doing. A teenager shouldn't be doing that. And he asked some hard questions... I wasn't going to lie to him, but shared what I thought was appropriate given what he asked. Sucks all around.
On some level WW's are broken people- that's not an excuse, just a reality. They need to be broken because who can swear on child's life in that way and not mean it. And that's the kicker, they need to sort that out for themselves, how they got there. Put aside the context (maybe the relationship was under stress) and any opportunity that presented itself... what in their character allowed for that synapse to fire in their brain in way for them to make the decision to do what they did (and continue making those decisions). It is mind boggling.
So I'd be lying if I didn't admit that part of my desire to work on things is for my kids. I think just about everyone goes into a long-term relationship with the idea that infidelity is the ultimate 'deal-breaker', was for me. But until it's your reality, you have no idea what you will actually do.
We're a work in progress. She has emerged from the 'fog' remorseful and feeling a lot of shame. But doing that hard work to dig into oneself and understand 'why' they did it and what they're going to do about it (answering the 'why' for themselves and then putting into action measures to make them a safe partner), that can be too big an ask for some people. So we're a work in progress still.
Anyway, sorry, that was becoming a bit more about me. My point is, we know what you're going through. And I'm sorry to say, that yo-yo of deciding to end it and then not and then maybe I should end it... it's sadly all too 'normal',
Again, many people with more wisdom than me will chime-in. But do take care of yourself and children.
[This message edited by dontlookbackinanger at 4:17 PM, Monday, October 2nd]