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Wayward Side :
Has anyone lost their spouse and their affair partner together?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 RemorseT (original poster new member #83903) posted at 4:57 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

Hi all, I feel very fortunate to have found this forum dedicated to the WS.

My dday was a month ago. I’ve had limerence to a co worker, but thought nothing would ever happen. However when we were overseas it ended up in a one night affair, as he reciprocated the attraction. I had actually said no at the start, saying we are both married, but my resolve weakened over the hour as he advanced and I ended up making the worst choice in my life. A few hours later in shock and guilt at what I have done, I called and confessed to my spouse, and took the next flight home.

He didn’t forgive me. He said he already warned me going overseas alone with a colleague and he had a premonition but trusted me. He said he had given me many chances. At some point before this happened I had even accused him at being over sensitive. We were both married, what could happen? Famous last words.

My affair partner is married, and since we were both married, he had taken it as a one night affair and though he feels very guilty, has heavy heart and wants to do whatever he can to support me (according to him), the one thing he can’t do is to leave his wife to be with me.

To be honest, that’s probably not what I want. I don’t want to be his second choice, and if one day time were to rewind time and I had to pick between him and my husband, I would have picked my husband.

I have googled probably hundreds of articles at this point - getting your ex back, letting go, moving on after your divorce, forgiving yourself - etc. but I realised there aren’t really discussions about cases where you lose both your spouse and your affair partner. Most people on the forum are are in the reconciliation process, or there are those who left to pair up with their affair partner. I feel extremely alone and isolated. At home my spouse is no longer here, and at work I’ve told my affair partner not to reach out to me personally, despite us being each other’s emotional support everyday previously.

At the end of the day it was my own choice to cheat, and my own choice to tell my husband. I know I can blame no one.

Everyday I struggle with:
- I know I still am attracted to my affair partner, when I see him, I genuinely want to care for him, when I see that he has lost weight and remains sick as a result of his guilt, I feel very sorry and want to reach out to him. I genuinely care for him and really like him, though I’m not foolish enough to call it love. It doesn’t help we have to work together closely and for my career I have chosen to stay in my current firm. He will likely go overseas at some point next year so at some point we will part, to which I have to heal from the new norm again.

- How should I approach my husband. He has returned me his wedding band, packed his things, asked to sell our assets and have sent me papers. He said he has never been so determined to leave me and have a clean cut. I have thought about it and read other people’s posts in the forums. I don’t want my husband to become a bitter angry man full of hurt and pain for the rest of his life. Maybe I owe him his clean cut - I should sign whatever he needs me to sign, and not contact him again.

I just wanted to hear from the forum if anyone has dealt with losing two important people at the same time, how to deal with it, and any words of wisdom for me.

Thank you.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023   ·   location: X
id 8808709
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 12:43 AM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

First off, the AP is not and should not be considered an important person in your life. He was just a person, not unlike yourself, who was willing to pursue an affair. If not for this co-worker, it could've been another colleague, it could've been anyone. You were both presenting to each other an avatar of who you wanted the other to see. Your AP never sat with you at the kitchen table as you and your BH paid the bills and had serious talks about money, or raising the children or any of those things. This guy was only presenting to you what he thought he needed to keep feeding you in order to get in your pants and experience tells me that you were doing similar. I mean this seriously, take a minute to think about through your interactions through the past few months with him. I'm sure you made comments here and there that stroked his ego, maybe it was a comment about an outfit he wore to work, or commenting on how good he looks after his haircut and I'm certain that at times the tone and tenor of these discussions escalated to flirtatious and outright emotional infidelity. Your BH's "premonition" was his gut screaming at him that something was wrong with his marriage.

My affair partner is married, and since we were both married, he had taken it as a one night affair and though he feels very guilty, has heavy heart and wants to do whatever he can to support me (according to him), the one thing he can’t do is to leave his wife to be with me

Does his wife know of the affair? If not, she should be informed. Her husband is putting her health in jeopardy and putting his entire family at risk with his actions.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 669   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8808809
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 12:21 AM on Monday, October 2nd, 2023

RemorseT,

I hope you come back and continue to post here. I know you haven’t got a lot of feedback on your original post, however this forum can be a great resource for you to get back on your feet and get in a healthy frame of mind.

Even without reconciling, it’s imperative to work through those issues that led you to have an affair in the first place.

If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 16686   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Anywhere and everywhere
id 8810179
Topic is Sleeping.
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