I worry that those that only post once get scared away from the what might feel like brutal responses they get.
You have been told very directly that she isn’t potentially cheating but IS cheating, that she’s been cheating for a long time, that she’s cruel, that she’s in an affair…
All things that might be 100% true, but also some assumptions and maybe even crossing the fine border between what we KNOW and what we THINK. Problem with infidelity is that the border isn’t always clear.
Of course – if she has direct physical and/or sexual contact with someone else that is about as clear as it gets. But we have had posters here whose spouses didn’t see fantasy as infidelity, phone-sex, sexual flirting… They just don’t see it… We had a betrayed wife some years ago think her husband wasn’t cheating because it was "only" oral. We had another that divorced her husband for fondling a passing woman’s behind at a bar – for THAT wife THAT was physical enough.
We also have instances where the border isn’t clear… Like if my wife were to complement a male friend about his hair or physique… is that flirting? Is that crossing some line? I have a very good female friend that I also work a lot with. We talk a lot – probably 98% work-related. But she knows things in my personal life, as I in her. Is it an emotional affair simply because I know her daughter is having issues at college?
What we KNOW is only what you shared.
What you shared strongly points to her not being faithful to the relationship and extremely strongly suggests an emotional affair.
Strange thing about an EA is that someone can be in an EA without totally realizing, and even in a one-sided EA. The guy she’s flirting with might be totally unaware of the inappropriateness of what’s going on. The very term "emotional affair" was really only defined and recognized in the 1980’s – and that’s not really so long ago.
Also – based on what you share – your relationship sounds rocky and possibly alive for the wrong reasons. Maybe – maybe not…
Now – if you were to share more we could possibly help you understand and discover if the affair was really an "affair" as we tend to understand that word; if its an EA, a PA or whatever. I encourage you to see the posts already offered for what they are. They are not the harsh and possibly condemning posts they might seem to be if read out of context, but rather our collective voice telling you something isn’t right.
I encourage you to keep reading and to post more. If you don’t agree with us then simply counter what we say. Frankly the ONLY big mistake you can make is to ignore the advice offered and think there is nothing wrong.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus