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Newest Member: Elise1

Just Found Out :
Potential cheating Fiancee - Some sound advice needed!!!!!

Topic is Sleeping.
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 7:56 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Bigger is spot on. She was young when you started dating. Now she's 28. You proposed after 7 years, brought on by a crisis in the relationship, and you are no closer to marriage after 4 years. What that screams is that one or both of you don't really want to be married to each other. And the worst thing is when a proposal is used a means of keeping a person from moving on without it being a real commitment. Maybe you are seeing smoke because you don't want to move forward and it's easier to admit that if you can find a major flaw in her.

Have that conversation Bigger suggested. But be sure to have an honest conversation with yourself first. It will make the conversation with her much more productive.

posts: 1728   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8808975
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bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 7:57 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Hi, sorry to have you here. My advice, move on your relationship has run its course a long time ago.

she was inviting him to her girls night out

plus their inappropriate messages, she's cheating and lying to you. She lost her respect for you and she is sure that she can treat you this way. I'm sorry but there is nothing left for you in this 'relationship'. Don't be desperate and try to fix things you can't and doesn't have to. Take your loss and find someone you can be happy with, she's not the one.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8808976
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3Hundo ( new member #78650) posted at 8:02 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

You definitely should not marry this woman right now. Maybe ever. She's showing consistent red flags and her disrespect for you is shocking.

Do not marry her!

posts: 18   ·   registered: Apr. 14th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8808978
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MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 1:45 AM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

This is such a sad thread.

First of all, I am so sorry she's acted this way.

Second of all, your weight really doesn't matter. I was a fat child, I get how it feels, but I got skinny on my teenage years, lather, rinse and repeat. And honestly- it really doesn't matter. Anyone who thinks it does it pretty shallow.

My WS was athletic when he had his affair. A runner. Hot BoD. Then he got very sick from stress and gained weight and had all sorts of things from body rashes to bleeding out of his butt. Guess what? He's still the sexiest man I've ever seen.

Third of all, you don't say mean stuff to really cut into your fiance like that. If she said that to you, that alone is a dumping offence. Forget the cheating and lying.

You sound so down on yourself, but guess what. I read your post and thought "he sounds great". I also thought your fiance sounds awful. I really hope you don't marry her because you're punching down!

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809043
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 11:14 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

Look for someone new who doesn’t care how much you weigh, how much money you make and, if your weight, finances or whatever life throws at you, does become an intolerable issue, will kindly divorce you rather than hurt you, disrespect you, humiliate you, cheat.

posts: 1307   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8809126
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Tempocontour ( member #65971) posted at 11:22 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

She is still your fiancé, keep it that way. You know you can't trust her by now, don't you? Please don't marry her. You've found out the type of girl she is before you tied the knot. No more wedding planning if there were. Tell her you can't do this anymore and the relationship has ran it's course.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8809656
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:07 PM on Thursday, September 28th, 2023

Ron
I worry that those that only post once get scared away from the what might feel like brutal responses they get.
You have been told very directly that she isn’t potentially cheating but IS cheating, that she’s been cheating for a long time, that she’s cruel, that she’s in an affair…

All things that might be 100% true, but also some assumptions and maybe even crossing the fine border between what we KNOW and what we THINK. Problem with infidelity is that the border isn’t always clear.

Of course – if she has direct physical and/or sexual contact with someone else that is about as clear as it gets. But we have had posters here whose spouses didn’t see fantasy as infidelity, phone-sex, sexual flirting… They just don’t see it… We had a betrayed wife some years ago think her husband wasn’t cheating because it was "only" oral. We had another that divorced her husband for fondling a passing woman’s behind at a bar – for THAT wife THAT was physical enough.

We also have instances where the border isn’t clear… Like if my wife were to complement a male friend about his hair or physique… is that flirting? Is that crossing some line? I have a very good female friend that I also work a lot with. We talk a lot – probably 98% work-related. But she knows things in my personal life, as I in her. Is it an emotional affair simply because I know her daughter is having issues at college?

What we KNOW is only what you shared.

What you shared strongly points to her not being faithful to the relationship and extremely strongly suggests an emotional affair.
Strange thing about an EA is that someone can be in an EA without totally realizing, and even in a one-sided EA. The guy she’s flirting with might be totally unaware of the inappropriateness of what’s going on. The very term "emotional affair" was really only defined and recognized in the 1980’s – and that’s not really so long ago.

Also – based on what you share – your relationship sounds rocky and possibly alive for the wrong reasons. Maybe – maybe not…

Now – if you were to share more we could possibly help you understand and discover if the affair was really an "affair" as we tend to understand that word; if its an EA, a PA or whatever. I encourage you to see the posts already offered for what they are. They are not the harsh and possibly condemning posts they might seem to be if read out of context, but rather our collective voice telling you something isn’t right.
I encourage you to keep reading and to post more. If you don’t agree with us then simply counter what we say. Frankly the ONLY big mistake you can make is to ignore the advice offered and think there is nothing wrong.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12439   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8809710
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MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 5:29 PM on Thursday, September 28th, 2023

I was also worried Ron that you got scared away. Believe me, everyone here is in the same boat one way or another, so you're in a helpful community and I hope you come back and talk. The instinct sometimes is to just be protective and (at times) outraged on behalf of the victim because - I guess - we know how some of this stuff feels.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809748
Topic is Sleeping.
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