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Newest Member: LaSecondeFois

Reconciliation :
Question on WS behavior

Topic is Sleeping.

gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 9:07 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

This is also the woman who knew the longest about my wife’s affair.

Why the hell is this woman still in your wife’s life? Dropping her should have been among your first requirements for R. I can’t help but think your WW doesn’t respect you. Show some strength and set clear boundaries and requirements for R to continue. It’s never too late to do that!!!

posts: 243   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8809219

survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:20 AM on Tuesday, September 26th, 2023

She ultimately told me that me running to my friends to "rat her out" was an unforgivable offense. She’s referring to my needing support from my closest friends. This is also the woman who knew the longest about my wife’s affair.

As gr8ful has said this friend is a POS cheerleader for your WW affair, and needs to be out of your life.

Are your kids friends with her kids, live next door, did you tell her off in no uncertain terms.

I suspect this friend has had affairs of her own, can you expose the friend just for fun and laughs.

This woman starying in your WWs life is just a thorn in your side.

Rat her out? Your WW was worse than a rat.

posts: 1420   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8809403

Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 3:06 AM on Tuesday, September 26th, 2023

Agree with jb3199 that you need to know what your wife’s response is to the idea of eliminating this friend from her life. It will be telling. Agree with gr8ful that this should be a requirement for recovery.

I did this all wrong in my recovery. For the first 7 years all I really knew was that he had an inappropriate relationship with his secretary. So I allowed two close friends of the secretary to remain very friendly with my H. They did still work at his company so he needed to interact with them but did NOT need to be friendly with them. For the last year I have known he had a physical A. Now I am literally outraged that I let these two women remain in our lives. I had no idea how offensive it would be that they were still in our lives. Now I’m outraged and although we can’t change the past these two people are most definitely cut off from any friendliness. Only you know if it bothers you but TBH it sounds like it does bother you.

On the issue of telling adult children…. I dont know the answer to this question as I am still sorting it out myself. I agree with the idea that "wasn’t it lies that got us here in the first place?" I truly hate keeping this secret from them. It is a secret - there is no doubt there are times that something comes up where if you were being honest you would say something to the kids about it. Like they tell you that their friend was cheated on by his GF and you are oh so sympathetic. Why are you oh so sympathetic? Because you were cheated on. And when you keep talking to your son and don’t speak that truth I feel like you are lying to them. When my kids catch me crying and I don’t say why it is deceit. When I tell my daughter we can’t get a new dog (our family dogs died in the last year) because they are a lot of work it is a lie. We can’t get a new dog because in the past my husband has used household tasks to avoid having the discussions we need to be having in recovery.

So….you would think I would be advocating telling them. BUT…my father cheated on my mom and moved out for several months when I was a kid. Otherwise I am sure my mother would have hid it from us. But I knew and I deeply resented my father. I still kept him in my life and he was heavily involved with my children his grandchildren. But since I found out about my husband’s affair (at about age 45) I have progressively shut him out of my life. For the past year, after finding out my husband’s A was a full on physical thing, I literally can’t even speak to my father. He tries to re-enter my life but I just cant do it. We are essentially estranged even though he will likely die in the next 6 months. All that was meant to say that your sons may truly hold this against your wife deeply for life. You don’t know the consequence. That is why I havent told my daughters. My son knows and he may some day tell my daughters. I am just incredibly ambivalent about it. As angry as I am at my H I don’t want my daughters to cut him off or hate him. I am being protective of both my H and my daughters here. They discuss cheaters with righteous indignation and it will not go over well if and when they find out. I am afraid they wouldn’t forgive him.

So I have no answers whatsoever but I wanted to share with you the factors that have weighed into my decisions on the friends/kids situations.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 10:11 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

posts: 279   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8809406
Topic is Sleeping.
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