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Newest Member: Usedandneverloved

Divorce/Separation :
Divorce IS scary but....

Topic is Sleeping.

 EllieKMAS (original poster member #68900) posted at 6:20 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I read so many posts from new BS's about being scared to file. I was too cus divorce is objectively a scary thing to contemplate. But I thought it would be good to start a list from people who have divorced/are divorcing about the GOOD things about D. Not to try to influence anyone one way or the other, but to share some hope of a better future if D is the path you're on or heading towards.

To be clear - I am firmly in the D camp in almost all instances, but I don't judge anyone for staying either. It's such a hard choice either way.

I'll add mine. You add yours smile

My stats:
Dday1: 11/07/2018, Dday2: 07/29/2019
Separated: 07/29/2019
D final: 12/13/2019

Since my D:
1. Life is much more calm without having to tiptoe around xwh's ego or edit who I am to make him comfortable. I live way more authentically now.
2. My successes are no longer resented (I always made more money etc and it got to the point that he was fine with spending my money but resentful of my work success, so much so that I did not even like telling him if I got a raise or promotion).
3. I was very lucky in that I kept our house and was able to sell it and make a handsome profit (which I also got to keep all of), but this has proven to be just amazing. I moved to a different state with a much cheaper cost of living and now live in a way smaller house. I did like my old house but didn't realize until I had left just how much emotional weight that place put on me - one because it was where ddays and the death of my M happened, but also because it was huge and maintaining it was so stressful. My living situation is so much simpler and emotionally light now.
4. Old timers might remember this anecdote, but.. my xwh didn't make the bed. I like the bed made. It used to make me crazy, being the only breadwinner, leaving the house at the asscrack of dawn, working all damn day, and then coming home to an unmade bed (when he would wake up at 10 or noon). It just..... steamed my clams man. And honestly? With hindsight, it was a total metaphor for our marriage too - I put in the effort and cared about the grown up things and adulting and asked for very very little, and he just did whatever he felt like.
My bed has been made EVERY day since 7/30/19.
5. Financially it has proven to be so much better and easier having just me to worry about. I was really worried about that before the D - whether I'd be able to afford things on my own - but happily it has worked out better than I ever thought possible. It took me a couple of stressful years to dig out of the financial hole I was in with him, but dig I did and today am in such a much better financial position than ever before.
6. Not to brag, but I get all the puppy and kitty snuggles now. ALL of them, anytime I want.
7. There are no longer socks all over the place. Not sure if this was a my xwh thing or a guy thing, but the boy changed socks at least three times a day and left them EVERYWHERE. Seriously, I was still finding them the day I moved out, 3.5 years after he left.
8. The people in my life now are ones that I love and trust (and that have proven to be worthy of my trust) and that reciprocate my efforts in the relationship.
9. BOUNDARIES. Still hard, still sucky to set, but I finally have that down. I also finally do not feel any need to apologize for them or explain them to anyone.
10. It is a lot easier to make decisions when I only have myself to consider. Again, one I didn't realize how much stress he added to my life putting all the adulting on me until he was gone.
11. I have embraced my feminine side. When he was around, from a spirit of compromise, I kept my decorating mostly gender neutral. But... I like butterflies, and flowers, and sparkles, and hot pink/aqua/green/yellow/orange/purple. It has been pretty awesome to get to buy new things that reflect MY aesthetic and has made my home so much more ME. Also looking forward to buying my next space and getting to paint and tile and do all the things that I want to do without having to worry about anyone else's opinion. Is gonna be amazing!
12. I get the remote and haven't had to watch any yt bullshit about engine mounts or whatever for years. Nor have I had to watch wrestling every week. Yeah don't miss those.
13. I get to sleep like a starfish in my bed.
14. I no longer have to give a diddly shit if anyone likes my hair or my clothes. I wear what I want and do my hair how I want.
15. When I have a house project that needs doing, I can just hire a pro to come do it. When xwh was around he would INSIST that he knew how to do a, b, or c. Spoiler: he didn't, or knew 'how' but did a half-assed lazy fucking job of it and then would get pissed if I said anything - and if I dared to suggest hiring someone to do it he would throw a hissy fit about how I 'didn't trust him' and how I was 'so critical' and 'never happy'. Which I see now for the manipulation it actually was. Yep, no longer have to deal with any of that nonsense.
16. The peace I have found is pretty hard to beat. And will take someone pretty spectacular to make me think of shaking that up.

I'm sure I'll think of more and will add as I do, but that's a good start!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8808029

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:11 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

This is a great post. Especially for anyone new or is contemplating D but the fear of the unknown is overwhelming.

Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19976   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8808337

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:59 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

My fear of D kept me in a toxic marriage too long.

I left/ separated in Sept. 2020 and currently in D (should be done soon)

Life has been spectacular since leaving.

1. I no longer have to fear him coming home or his moods. No more walking on eggshells.

2. Don't have to listen to his boring conversations about himself anymore.

3. Don't have to worry about catching an STD.

4. Life is peaceful now. My mental health improved 100% and so did my physical health.

5. I am no longer clinically depressed. No more suicidal thoughts.

6. I don't get angry or have constant feelings of rage.

7. I can rest whenever I want without being criticized about being lazy.

8. I can watch whatever I want on TV for however I want and won't be criticized for what I am watching.

9. No more obligatory sex with someone I loathed.

10. I am able to save money now.

11. Can visit my friends without a guilt trip from him.

12. Can visit my family without a guilt trip from him.

13. I can make as much noise as I want now getting ready for work in the morning not having to hear him mumble.

14. No more fights and circular arguments.

15. Can go to bed early if I want to.

16. Don't have to worry about where he is (who he's with) late at night anymore.

17. Not having to wonder if women he is friendly with is an AP.

18. I don't have to hear his unwanted opinion or criticism anymore.

19.No more ups and downs and crying all the time because he is not empathetic.

20. And finally I was able to meet someone so much better than him in every way. Who brings light and love to my life and am the happiest I have EVER been in my life.

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8634   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8808371

kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 3:14 AM on Tuesday, September 19th, 2023

These are great!! I have so much to look forward to! I am 12 days away from him moving out (YAY) and divorce should be final within 2-3 weeks.

I think mine will be very similar to Crazyblindsided (I related to those alot! And I loved Ellie's as well. Thanks so much- I am pumped to start my new life. Feels like this will be the longest 12 days of my life.

Here is what I am most looking forward to:

1. No more walking on eggshells ever! No worry if dishes are in sink, dog toys in backyard, etc.

2. No more watching him be so drunk that I want to punch him in the face.

3. Never have to have a conversation with him again...they are one sided anyway as he listens for shit.

4. Can truly relax and nap when I want without his stupid judgement.

5. Looking forward to the PEACE I know is coming. This is priceless!

6. Getting to make my own decisions about my life. Mindblowing. I never have to host Thanksgiving again.

7. Never having to hear him snore.

8. Actually keeping a clean house because he is not here to make a mess

9. Never ever having to hear his rants about politics ever again. Thank goodness.

10. Never jumping out of my skin from a slammed door.

11. Never wondering where he is and wondering if he is dead on the side of the road.

12. Eating popcorn in bed

13. Laughing over stupid stuff without him criticizing what I find funny

14. Watching all my trash TV without hearing him bash it for losing brain cells

15. No more faking it.

16. Not having to ask 6 times to get something done and never trusting it will get done

Please oh please let me experience all of this very soon! Crossing fingers and toes that everything goes as planned and he is moved out in 12 days so I can live again!!!

posts: 656   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8808406
Topic is Sleeping.
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