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Newest Member: Usedandneverloved

Divorce/Separation :
Update on me...

Topic is Sleeping.

 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 1:44 AM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

It's been awhile since I posted. Just wanted to provide an update. Backstory - he cheated for three years. He thought I should prove my worth to him. I tried to get him to see the reality of things but at the time I did not know a narc will never see it. Did that for 18 months and decided I had enough if him blaming me for his cheating. Just when I set a date to meet with an attorney, my teen son developed severe mental health issues so I had to postpone as I couldn't add to his troubles. I waited a year which was all I could stand. My son was doing better but still working on things so I filed.

That was two years ago. When I filed, my son was team mom. Since then, his father has manipulated him and he is now team dad. We signed the papers early August. My ex refused to move out of my house during the process so he just moved out Thursday. My 18 year old son went with him. He took my dog. I am heartbroken about both of them but so thrilled and relieved the ex is gone.

Right up until the end the ex was trying to hurt me. He tells me that everything he told me about the AP was a lie because he didn't want me to find her, and that she was really a single, tall, thin, blonde 33 y/o teacher and that I have no idea how serious it really was
He lies all the time so I didn't know what to believe. While cleaning out some of his crap after he left (he left my house a complete and utter mess) I found a love note from his AP and no doubt she was a teacher. It shouldn't still sting but I guess because he was still lying to me when he was supposed to have been coming clean it hit me hard. I never quite believed him but I didn't expect this.

I am now started my single journey at 55 years old. The house is so quiet- too quiet - but there is peace. Thanks for reading

Me: BS - 54 Him: WH - 55 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 694   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8806462

fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 2:29 AM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

Thanks for the update. Congrats on gaining your freedom! Congrats on finding some peace. It was a long road but you persevered. I am sorry your EX-WH went out of his way to continue to hurt you. But he has to live going forward as a liar and a cheater. I hope you can avoid contact with him moving forward. He will just try and hurt you. He will not be able to hide his true nature from you son. Once you are removed as a focal point, your son will see that his selfish narcissistic ways don’t change. Time is your ally. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:30 AM, Monday, September 4th]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3744   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8806466

kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 2:55 AM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

Congrats on finally being free! Long hard road, but you will rebuild!

Is your son over 18? This hurts that he is currently with your ex, but he WiLL come around. And the dog too, geez. Was that all agreed upon?

It seems there are many of us (myself included) in the 50’s club. I just posted on grey divorce. It is time to live for us. May your peace settle in and bring you lots of joy!!!

posts: 656   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8806467

 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 3:34 AM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

My son turned 18 a few months before settlement so he decides where he goes. I have to pay child support until he's 21.

We originally agreed to share my dog then he went back on his word and said he wanted sole custody of my dog. We were actually going to have a dog custody trial, if you can believe it. My son would have been called as a witness and my attorney warned me that he would treat him as any other witness (so, basically destroy him). I couldn't let that happen so I had to concede. Of course, his father would have allowed that to happen. I was devastated. My dog really helped me through all this - such unconditional love.

Me: BS - 54 Him: WH - 55 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 694   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8806470

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 3:37 AM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

That peace often comes with a cost. I don’t want to say it’s a guarantee that your son will come back. Your ex could very well keep manipulating him if he knows it hurts you.

But that peace is something to cherish. You’re free from the turmoil your ex’s continued presence would have brought, and you no longer have to be subjected to his lies.

I am sorry about your son and dog. Let him know that he still has a place with you in case he does come back, but don’t let the rest of your life pass you by waiting

Sending you hugs and strength

[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:38 AM, Monday, September 4th]

posts: 534   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8806471

Helena67 ( member #80506) posted at 6:53 AM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

Congratulations, you are free!!!

It is heartbreaking though that our children are forced to choose sides. I strongly believe that your ex will show his true coulours. Then he will see that his father isn't a reliable parent.

Enjoy the peace and spend as much quality time as you can with your son.

BS (me) 56 years. Divorcing. Almost there!

posts: 124   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8806473

FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

You have been through the wringer. I started over at 55, no kids and my ex was just a dumb fuck, so no narc bullshit. It was still a hell of a journey. I just turned 70 and have rebuilt a calm life around things that make me happy. I no longer care about what anyone else does or thinks about what I do. It's peaceful. You'll get there, and maybe get a new pup for your new beginning!

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

posts: 21562   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 8806507

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:35 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

I’m sorry your XWH is still being such a jerk. My ex tried for joint custody of our cat, but i was able to prevail there. Some people are just awful.
Your son is caught in the middle and his still not fully formed brain is falling for the easy shiny path— but he will grow older and realize how wrong is dad is.

Meanwhile, embrace the peace. Start new hobbies - maybe foster animals for a bit? It takes a little while to get used to the quiet, but it really is lovely once you get there.

I am happy your are free, and I wish the costs to get there weren’t so high.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5711   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8806516

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:26 AM on Wednesday, September 6th, 2023

Glad you are finally finding some peace in your new beginning. My XWS also has been able to manipulate my kids somewhat. My oldest has decided to make his home her home base and visits with me every other week. Not sure if they ever REALLY see through it depending on the manipulation. My daughter has chosen to believe his victimhood but has not turned her back on me so there is hope. I too lost the dog, but get visits when the Ex needs someone to dog sit. It does get easier as time marches on and we find our footing and rediscover ourselves, which is a beautiful thing! Can't say I regret leaving as I wouldn't trade what I have now to go back to where I was, even with the tradeoffs, life is good!

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8634   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8806659

 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 2:21 AM on Thursday, September 7th, 2023

Thank you all for the kind words. I have been very busy trying to get my life and my home back in order. ExWS continues to send me pages long, scathing texts about what a horrible person I am, so have not totally escaped his tirades. I don't read them or respond unless it's something totally unrelated like when are we meeting at the bank to close out the joint accounts. I can just see his head exploding since I don't address anything he says.

I feel as if no matter what my son finds out about his father it will not change anything. His best friend points negative things out about my son's father all the time and still he favors him. Ex is very adept at manipulation.

Me: BS - 54 Him: WH - 55 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 694   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8806766

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 4:04 AM on Thursday, September 7th, 2023

For someone who he claims to be so horrible, it looks like you live completely rent-free in his head.

I fear that when your ex truly has no one left to blame, he will turn that vitriol on your son. And that’s when your son will see the truth.

But there’s no telling how long that will be from now. Your ex is trying very hard to keep you in play. Kudos for not entertaining it.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 4:04 AM, Thursday, September 7th]

posts: 534   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8806771
Topic is Sleeping.
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