I have another headache today. Been depressed and a lot of headaches lately.
Headaches can have a multitude of causes, but if you are having chronic headaches, you should consult with your doctor to get yourself checked out and to make sure there is nothing seriously wrong with you. I used to suffer from recurring headaches but I've been able to isolate it to my hydration/electrolyte levels and certain foods in my diet. Anymore when I get a headache, instead of reaching for Tylenol/Advil, I reach for a Gatorade and it usually clears right up.
As for the depression, I hate to point out the obvious, but the fact that you betrayed yourself and your wife play a large role in this. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work on yourself? You will certainly be needing a good therapist for any chance at a sustainable and successful reconciliation.
I don't mind the 2x4s from some.
Waiting for my wonderful wife to get home from work. will take her out for dinner (a date, she said)
Okay, so incoming 2x4, I have to ask, who are these words for, you? The SI community? your AP? Don't feel like you have to put up a performative front on here for our benefit. I have to think that if you truly felt that your wife was a wonderful woman that you would recognize that you cannot continue your affair for another bloody minute, let alone the months that have passed since your initial post.
I’m afraid of what will happen to my wife when she finds out. Everything will change forever.
I’m trying to detach/distance myself and the AP. Still working together at the moment, waiting for an opportunity to change work place.
Will she try to make the last move by going nuclear before I decide (if I do)to tell my wife? I don’t know
Everything in your marriage has already changed. Whether you are aware of it or not you have placed distance between yourself and this wonderful woman that you call your wife. If it were me, and remember, I'm on the WS forum posting, because I've been in your shoes, I would not continue to let some gutter trash AP come between me and my best gal. Your wife has already noticed the changes, but what is likely driving her mad is that she can't put her finger on what is going on. Depending on how good of a poker faced liar you are, she could be attributing it to a stressful work situation or it could be chalked up to another rational explanation. I can assure you that things have already changed and you both are aware of it, but your wife is likely in the dark as to why. The longer this charade continues, the more inquisitive your wife is going to become, because without answers as to why there is a shift in your behavior, she is going to continue to be curious, maybe to the point where she hires a PI to start digging into things, which will inevitably lead to discovery.
There is no telling what your AP will do. Clearly she is not bothered by the fact that she is wrecking a home for your wife and your babies. She may feel you pulling away and detaching and feel that she is losing you and the more that continues, desperation could set in and we've seen it happen plenty of times around here where the scorned AP decides to tell the BW to see if they can shake the the WH to leave their wife and go live with them in AP/WS fantasyland with rainbow farting unicorns.
You are wise enough to know that your affair must end. You are fearful at this moment of how that will look and that fear is quite literally derived from the fear of the all the unknowns and more importantly, uncontrollable players and pieces involved in this. If you continue your current plan of a slow-ish draw down, each day is a ticking time bomb of will she or won't she tell your wife and having to live on pins and needles for that other shoe to drop. It is a plan that really has no plan, which is itself an actual plan, but you are just hoping your AP cooperates and doesn't go nuclear on your wife.
You are in a position that very few waywards are in, you at the moment are seemingly in control of disclosure. If your wife as wonderful as you mentioned and those aren't just words, than I would think that you would be inclined to do everything you possibly could to keep her in your life. Statistically speaking, by letting your wife know about your affair through a voluntary disclosure, you stand the best chance at reconciliation. That is not to say that if your wife discovers it on her own and/or is told by the AP that you cannot reconcile, but you will start out any R journey at a significant disadvantage compared to self-disclosure.