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I am not sure I am going to be able to articulate the confusion going on in my head. I will try though.
It is 17mths since DDay. My WH and I are working at reconciliation. He is putting the work in. It hurts me though that I have had to prompt him on this at times. I know that the affair is all on him. My focus is healing from it and addressing my role in how our marriage got to where it got. I can identify that I was withdrawing from our relationship in the past. I was avoiding communication and interaction a lot of the time. I believe this was to avoid confrontation and hurt. The problem I am having is that for me to work on being a better partner I need to stop withdrawing BUT at the same time, for me to heal from the affair I often need to be able withdraw. I am more of an introvert and I find time alone is settling. How can I heal from the affair at the same time as work on the marriage?
For context - WH has often been away from the family for work. The affair happened while he was working overseas for 12mths. He is currently living in another state for work. I am at home caring for our 4 children and working full time. If I am honest, I think I resent having to reach out to him to meet his needs from a partner when I only have a tiny bit of time that I would love to spend quietly by myself recharging.
I apologise if none of this makes sense! Please just ignore if that is the case!!!

Good question! And it makes perfect sense. It must be very hard getting that space for yourself plus be a single parent of four whilst he’s away working - where he gets freedom and space. I hear you want to be there for him but that you also know in order to do that you also need to be there for yourself. But available time is against you managing that. Have you two discussed that very practical problem about how you both get your needs met? Can more space be created for you with childcare help, for example, or whatever? Is there any scenario possible in which he can be based at home base for work more often? You really are carrying the main family load here and that needs accommodating and understanding from him. Can you say more about the kind of confrontations you were trying to avoid in the past…and the dynamics and circumstances that led to them?

Your situation is difficult, and what you say makes perfect sense.

I think it’s going to take a lot of practical problem-solving, compromise, and willingness to show yourself and each other grace to approach reconciliation in the context of a long distance relationship.

My husband and I did two periods of long distance in our marriage when our two kids were small. He worked away from us for 9 months once, and I worked away for 3 months another time.

Each time, the larger burden of reaching out and keeping up the relationship fell more on the person who DIDN’T have the kids with them. In my experience, just getting through the day, working full time and caring for kids and holding down the fort, is about all that can be managed by the person who has the kids. A ton of reaching out isn’t going to happen, necessarily. But you can reach out some, and respond.

In my experience, long distance situations with kids set up a dynamic where the spouse with the kids is overstretched and overstimulated, while the spouse who’s working away has empty, often lonely stretches of down time. This sets up a situation where each spouse has very different needs. The overstretched spouse desperately needs quiet alone time, and the lonely spouse needs connection. It takes a lot of empathy, grace, and a strong sense of partnership to balance these needs. It was hard when my husband and I were long distance, and we only did it twice, and infidelity wasn’t involved. It also helped that we switched roles in terms of who was away, because that gave each of us empathy for what the other had dealt with.

Navigating the aftermath of infidelity in the context of a long distance relationship sounds really, really hard to me. Is there a way you can NOT be long distance, at least for a few years? If not, I think your first step is to figure out some practical options (childcare, etc) that might give you more alone time. Do you have a regular time where you and your husband connect? And a set time during the day or week when you can get some alone time? Being deliberate about both of those things might be good.

Having a long term vision of a marriage where you don’t withdraw is s good thing (as long as your husband is a worthy partner), but needing your alone time is not bad. And if your husband is going to be long distance, he needs to learn to sit with his own loneliness and deal with it productively rather than putting it on you to connect. He can acknowledge his own need for connection AND recognize that it’s not going to be fully met by you at this stage, and under these circumstances.

I’m sorry he betrayed you. I can’t imagine dealing with that while also navigating a long distance relationship. I hope that you are taking care of yourself and that you have a good community around you.

You are still in a very overwhelming time of reconciliation. And with his work taking him away it will reasonably have a stretching effect in times where you are both doing the work.

My situation was different. But I was in charge of home and family life, while being an assistant to Mr Uxor’s work. But I was mostly separated and using a computer from home to do the work. He had a workplace affair during 60+ hour work weeks with travel.

This was ten years ago but I share some parallels with you

A couple of considerations:

1. Perspective - Even if there had NOT been a betrayal, some of the needs you have said and the needs of your spouse that you identified, still would have existed! It still would have taken the effort all marriages need during phases and progressions of work, homelife and raising a family. The pain of the betrayal is both clouding and amplifying the emotions that should be a part of this phase of life.

2. Needs vs Wants: In facing the collapse of our marriage, I established with Mr Uxor an expectation of evaluating wants vs needs. And to respect a hierarchy so that our personal needs, our marrital needs and our family needs were not neglected for many of the things that damage marriages, the spouses and the kids.

I could give you ten years of examples.

But let’s try one that did apply to my life back then:

Travling spouse requests a phone call at 11:30pm in the at home spouse’s time.

At home spouse has a day that begins at 5am. And not enough sleep will be had with meeting that call.

Traveling spouse’s unmet need is connection to home and healthy human connection.

Home spouse’s need is sleep.

Both are valid needs.

A discussion on strategies (different call time? A nap? Is this a once a week loss of sleep or every day? )

If it turns out that either need can have a strategy, it needs to be put into action for the sake of the needs of the marriage and family (including having to work to provide for the family. That should not be lost in this.)

That is need vs need with strategies and prioritizing actions.

These alternate examples would be need vs wants:

If the traveling spouse had requested a 11:30 nightly call, and home spouse says every night that is unavailable because one of the kids is old enough to babysit and at home spouse wants to go out with pals every night while spouse is gone,

Now you can see where a need for social connection and friends has been turned into a want.

Now there is a problem.

That might require a boundary.

Or if the traveling spouse will not make an earlier call time because they want to socialize with co-workers. That could be defining a want as a need. Again, that may need a boundary from the spouse at home.

I suggest consider establishing with your spouse a pattern of need vs want conversations.

We all have valid needs, our marriages and our children have valid needs, our extended families, neighbors, coworkers and communities have valid needs.

But there are a LOT of squeaky wheel gets the grease demands for wants to be met as if they are needs.

If we listen to that chatter, we get messed up evaluating and prioritizing the needs we and our spouse have right in front of us

In summary - this problem is an opportunity for you and your spouse to do what always should be done regardless of your betrayal history.

Discuss, prioritize and strategize your personal, marrital and family needs and push away the influences and noise of wants.

Last. When there is slack or extra energy for wants to be met. See, know and own it as a gift, the gravy on the meal of sustenance. Just don’t confuse it as a need just because it gave us the good feels that come with wants being met.

Hope some of this helps.

[This message edited by Uxoragain at 6:10 PM, Wednesday, June 14th]

Thank you for your replies! I am always so touched by the time and insight offered in this community.

@Edie - You have highlighted that this is probably just mostly a practical problem! I am usually very good at logistics but I can also overthink too. On reflection I have always been the happy, bright, positive energy in our relationship. I felt responsible for our families happiness. I think my husband relied on me for this. He was becoming constantly negative about everything and I felt that he was never happy. As the load of being a parent increased I became aware that I couldn't be responsible for his happiness and I started to step away from trying. He was often verbally aggressive as well as passive aggressive as his needs weren't being met. He was drinking most nights. He is not a happy drunk! This created the cycle where I withdrew more and more...

@Grieving - Your comments were so validating. You have described our different needs perfectly. We have spoken over a million times about him changing his work situation so that he didn't travel. It's actually a sore point for me because he has said prior to each stint away that this would set him up to not have to travel again. So I would take a big breath and go into survival mode with the hope that it won't be forever. He actually requested the job that saw him be away from our family for 12mths and have the affair. You are so right that "He can acknowledge his own need for connection AND recognize that it’s not going to be fully met by you at this stage, and under these circumstances." I have always felt that he had unrealistic expectations of what I could do. I am very good at doing things alone but I think I have really enabled him to easily disconnect from the family. I have been quite vocal that he needs to develop his own coping mechanism and be responsible for his own happiness.

@Uxoragain - wow -you have given me a framework with almost a step by step plan! I am usually a very logical, practical person but as you described "the pain of the betrayal is both clouding and amplifying the emotions that should be a part of this phase of life." I am learning every day to be clear about my boundaries and now also verbalising my needs vs wants.