Hello friend, I'm sorry you've found yourself here.
From your post, it sounds like you have already considered many of the early checklist items that are discussed on this forum. I would add, as to STD's, that it would be prudent for both you and your WW to get tested for STD's now. Some can remain latent for many year. Plus, this sort of step is a reminder to her of how deadly serious this is.
As you have already figured out, for a spouse who has just learned of long-ago cheating, it feels as if the cheating just happened. That is legitimate. If your WW has an ounce of empathy, she will realize this and will step up the urgency of her response accordingly. It sounds, though, as if she hasn't.
I would urge you to at least be genuine and brutally honest with her. Give voice to your anger (short of physical violence). Utter the pejoratives you are thinking. If you want to keep open the possibility that your marriage has a chance of actual reconciliation (as opposed to just stiff-upper-lipping it and stubbornly remaining married), transparent, brutally honest, genuine expression of emotion by the BH is a necessary element.
Two things that she absolutely cannot be allowed to get away with:
1. "Get over it". This statement, more than any other, is anathema to reconciliation. It is in fact a true sign of lack of remorse. She needs to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald (you should read it too). Even in the best of circumstances, it will be years before your emotions achieve any sort of stasis, and this reality of the cheating will be a permanent plus one in the marriage so long as you remain married.
2. The "M word". "Mistake". She did not make a mistake. A mistake is using baking soda when you meant to use baking powder, or leaving your keys in your car in a public place. She did not, for example, think she was using a feminine product but discovered it was in fact another man's dick inside of her. What she did was to decide, and to choose, and to lie. Given the scope and magnitude of the cheating, she made thousands of decisions and choices. She told you thousands of lies by both omission and commission.
My own betrayal was revealed in real time. I don't have a lived experience of "found out years later". However, my observation about these types of threads is that, in addition to all of the normal trauma and humiliation associated with discovering the betrayal, there is the cognitive dissonance of re-thinking all of the intervening years of the marriage. This has two aspects. One is the aspect you have noted, where the wound is fresh to you, while your WW has had (assuming no intervening cheating) decades to come to grips with the magnitude of what she has done.
By the way, to that end, I'm curious as to the way she seemed to assume this would be a "nothing-burger" for you. That, coupled with the "can't you just get over it" statements, to me smack of a person with a profound lack of empathy. Empathy, more than any other thing, is the one trait a WW must have if R is to have any chance of succeeding.
The second is whether the intervening years have been good marriage years in your subjective view. Did your WW have private remorse for her cheating and, in response, throw herself into the process of being the best wife a man could ask for? She says she cheated because she wanted more sex. You were in the same marriage, but didn't seek extracurricular sex. If she really wanted more sex, one solution would have been to sex it up more with her husband.
Frankly, I don't believe it was "more sex" that she wanted. Rather, she wanted a secret, one-sided open marriage. What you describe is classic cake-eater behavior, selfish and narcissistic as any I've read. She promised you a lifetime of fidelity, but felt free to secretly change her mind, just because she wanted to.
What has she done in the intervening years to make up for this? If the answer is "nothing", which I suspect from your post, then there is that. She had her fun, didn't regret it, and moved on.
What has she said about that?
She’s had 20 years to think about the years & months that she was having her affairs, and, she is asking, begging me to forgive her for what she has done, and on and on so that we can just move on and enjoy the rest of our lives together, in retirement.
It is possible to forgive her, and also to leave the relationship. Forgiveness is mostly the act of deciding you do not want revenge or such.
Just for the record, this whole thing is beating her down too, I can see it in her eyes and face.
What you describe about her sounds like regret, not remorse. I'd urge you to read about the distinction. Regret is inwardly focused, selfish: I feel so badly as a result of being in this situation that I created. Remorse is grounded in empathy. It is outwardly focused. Selfless: How can I help you heal?
On the other hand, I’m like, we’ve been married for 40 years. How can you literally throw away 40 years of your life with a person.
I'd urge you to read about the Sunk Cost Fallacy. I do realize that finances and retirement must come into play, but there are many ways around that, such as divorcing but cohabiting as roommates in the same home.
Honestly, I’m trying to figure out who she is now, again. How could she have done this to me, and act as if she made a mistake and she regrets it. This is day 68 of the admissions, and this is all I think about everyday, everywhere. All day at work
That is 100% normal. Keep in mind that, if you stay married, the cheating will be a permanent plus one in your marriage. Forever. Is your wife a long-distance runner? Can she show you empathy for 10 years, or 20, unflagging, notwithstanding the pain and recrimination she will see in your eyes every time you look at her?
I have to put on a happy retirement face, not to mention that I’m having to do this all on my own, nobody to talk to, except the therapist, but for only 3 more sessions , no friends, and, do not even want my kids to be involved.
Please don't bear this alone. Among other things, tell your adult son that you have learned about the cheating, you know what he saw, and you forgive him and love him even though he didn't speak up. As you said, what is a kid his age to do in that circumstance. He was a deer in the headlights.
This is very hard for me to write, trying not to call her names, not being very nasty
Genuine, transparent, honest expression of true emotion is the only way through. Every BH feels anger. Every BH has a mouthful of pejoratives he wants to shout in his WW's face. Do it. Let it out. Don't bottle it up.
all the thoughts of what else she has could’ve done, and , at the same time, reminding myself that she is innocent until proven guilty, or, if, when she admits to more affairs.
"Innocent until proven guilty" is a procedural framework that applies only in American criminal law. It is a very high threshold, defined this way because we believe that the state should not have unfettered ability to deprive citizens of liberty.
That standard does not apply, at all, in civil disputes. Most states have no-fault divorce statutes. The only thing you must prove is "I no longer wish to be married".
It is natural that your imagination runs wild in this circumstance. It is fair to tell your WW: "I don't believe you are telling me the full truth." You don't need "proof" for this. The heart believes what it believes. In this case, the burden falls on her to convince you she is telling the full truth. As you will see in the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal", one common tool is a detailed written timeline.
By the way, during her affairs, did you want more sex but weren't getting it?
Since her affairs, have you felt you wanted more sex but haven't been getting it?
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:33 PM, Sunday, April 9th]