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The actual logistics of doing a polygraph seems pretty confrontational and probably pretty humiliating for her. We go to a room where there are a couple of investigators, she gets hooked up, I asked her a bunch of affair questions while people write down her responses. Definitely would set us back on the recovery road. I’ve chosen to reach out to people she knew at the time who have insight, try to confirm her story. It was a one time error and stopped short of actual sex. I’m aware that that’s what they all say when caught. Perhaps every once in a while, though, it is true. In her case, I’ll not sure..

That’s not how polygraphs work.
You don’t ask any questions, nor would you be in the room.
The questions are very limited in number. A handful.

@WiseOldFool, Really? Do you/I prepare questions first and write them down? Does the tech think up the questions? Just one guy in the room with her?

Typically in a private polygraph setting the examiner would work with you to frame a few questions. There have to be baseline questions that elicit known truths (is your name x, etc). Then a few yes/no questions can be posed and examined. It would be up to the examiner, but I would think most examiners would tend to exclude you from the room. They are trying to isolate the subject and the subject’s response to their machine.

A little bit relieved to find that there are no polygraph options in my town. I like the idea, but my town isn’t that big. I’d probably know the examiner if there is one. (Still humiliated for people to know that she gave herself to a coworker, even if was years ago) Debating now about traveling for one, messaging the AP or her old room mate instead for details. Option B is to assume that she is downplaying the physical affair and assume that she really did every imaginable thing with him instead. She is super affectionate at the moment. I haven’t had this much sex since college.

[This message edited by Brittn at 9:36 PM, Tuesday, June 4th]

my WH is doing one this upcoming Monday and I have seriously mixed feelings about having him do it. There will be 4 questions only. I'm still on the fence about R or D. part of me feels this would be helpful to establish a starting point for true R. Another part of me knows that him doing the poly will feed into my guilt. I'm already struggling with seeing how eager and how hard he is trying. I know I don't NEED to feel obligated but it will be an internal battle.

@LessThinking Four questions only! Interesting. You picked the questions? Having a convincing truth should help you, hope it goes well!

Four questions are fairly typical. They get asked multiple times and are intermixed with the control questions, so it takes longer than you think. Typically the examiner will have done this before so they have some experience with what works. Even if you pick the questions, typically the examiner helps you rework them into structures that work with polygraphs. You have to be asking concrete, black and white, true of false questions. Like "Have you had sex, full encompassing definition (to avoid the Bill Clinton loophole), with anyone else besides your spouse and AP since you were engaged." Asking things that are less concrete like feelings doesn't work as well.

Don't bother with the AP or roommate. They have no reason to be truthful and reason to not be to be. Either can lie to the lessor side to avoid consequences for them or your WS. More damaging to your cause either can lie to the worst side of the equation for their own selfish reasons. AP to shake your WS free to have another go. Roommate to address some slight of your WS that even your WS might not realize. They also might just enjoy watching other's worlds burn

@Brittn

I would second what @grubs is saying. It mirrors our experience exactly. I wrote the 4 questions, the Examiner modified them to be "proper". We only dealt with one person the entire time, no one else was there. He interviewed me first and got my story and what I hoped to learn from the polygraph. He then interviewed my wife and had her verbally recount her infidelities for him. He met with me again and clarified some points in her narrative with how they related to the questions, he finalized the questions and prepared the test. He then administered the test (I was not in the room), sent my wife out while he compiled the results, then walked us through the results on the spot. 2 days later we received a full report with the narrative he created, all the questions and his findings. We spent roughly 4 hours in his office the day of the Exam going through all these steps.

My wife was a sobbing mess. The examiner was very empathetic to her. He was a former police detective and has a degree in psychology. He was fair and as supportive as he could be to her without "totally letting her off the hook". She complained the whole process made her feel like a criminal and he replied "Adultery IS a crime in our state". That sobered her up a bit.

Good luck as you pursue the truth!

[This message edited by ImaChump at 1:54 AM, Friday, June 7th]

Grubs and ImaChump, lots of news for me there. I thought a polygraph would be a waste of time, clearly not! Agree with Grubs, the AP seems like a very unreliable source. I haven't spoken to the room mate in years, who knows how that would go.

ImaChump, I'm guessing that knowing that she was going to the polygraph got the truth out of your WS before you guys arrived there? Seems like the threat of a polygraph may be all some people need.

Seems like the threat of a polygraph may be all some people need.

Parking lot confessions or in test revisions are pretty common. It's a game of chicken that you have to follow all the way through to have some certainty that you won.

ImaChump, I'm guessing that knowing that she was going to the polygraph got the truth out of your WS before you guys arrived there? Seems like the threat of a polygraph may be all some people need.

We got to her version of the truth ahead of the polygraph. For context, my first D-Day was in late June, D-Day 2 was 4 weeks later (had initially left off 4 APs, continued to lie, minimize and trickle truth). Used "I don’t remember" to cover her lies. Even though the infidelities were years ago, I could no longer tell where memory ended (if it even did) and the lies began.

We were in MC and I was complaining about my wife’s lies. MC told me "she only lies when you back her into a corner". And "you have all the information you’re going to get. If you can’t accept that, YOU may need individual therapy". I responded "if this is all the information I get, I’m just going to divorce her”. MC then recommended the polygraph and I agreed. Between that session and the polygraph, many more details came out. There was no parking lot confession but some of the information she gave the Examiner did NOT match the "official record". There was nothing monumental in there but it did give me some solace that MAYBE I had the truth to the degree she believed it.

So yes, the looming threat of the polygraph and the fear of failure did squeeze out the last of the lies IMO.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 2:26 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

She complained the whole process made her feel like a criminal

Mine said that during the polygraph session it was the closest she ever felt to thinking she was going to have a heart attack. I told her she was entirely responsible for putting herself in a situation where she had to go through that much anxiety. My anxiety over her affairs was much greater and longer lasting than her short-term ordeal. It's a shame that some people don't think about the potential consequences of their actions.

Polygraph completed today, results show truthful, passed all 4 questions. My brain is processing this information.

Polygraph completed today, results show truthful, passed all 4 questions. My brain is processing this information.

Good to hear. Hope it gives you some peace.

Thank you Mr. Kite, it does give more peace. Almost like the constant wondering about the past was taking up so much bandwidth I couldn't focus on my needs and wants going forward.

Referring back to my post about my discovery of my wife's long ago infidelity, if you recall, she erotically danced, held hands and at least made out with a coworker on a work trip. (at least). I struggled with believing her despite the fact that she could have continued to deny it all as she had for years.

I talked with you guys, about maybe emailing the AP, trying to find a polygraph center etc. I got complacent and at one point, even resigned myself that she probably had sex with him that night, and was still afraid to tell me. I debated if I need to prove or disprove this with a polygraph and made no move.

Now, she has been gone on a trip, identical to the work trip of years ago. A coed work trip, everybody in the same hotel etc. Of course the AP is long gone, we have moved since then.

Anyway, watching her shave her legs and arm pits before the trip gave me a moments pause. One, unsure why she needed to shave (maybe planning to hit the pool) two this is exactly like the trip of long ago. She is in constant contact this time, face times me from her room every night etc. She is aware that I'm going on a limb here. It def makes me remember the night years ago when she strayed. I do think she is different with age, and probably trust worthy, of course, I was fooled before too.

It just goes to show that an infidelity hurts trust in the long term. I'm sitting right here, doubting, just a little, not a lot. Before that night when she at least made out with her coworker, I wouldn't have batted an eye.

I'm sitting right here, doubting, just a little, not a lot.

You know that's not a bad thing, right?. Confirmation Bias, in that we love them and they love us so they wouldn't betray us, is what led most of us to overlook some major red flags.

Out here in the found out year later world, I’m still feeling that it must sound to those who found out right away bizarre that I’m still so bothered when it happened so long ago. But of course to me it feels like I’ve only had a year and a half to procèss. Plus I keep getting retraumatized when this nightmare woman shows up again. She inserted herself onto a team which forces some interaction with my husband (through an intermediary but still). He knew for a week and a half before telling me. Just that is a new violation. Now there are some things he has to do to kick her off and ensure she doesn’t come back. He is doing those steps but more slowly than I would like. It feels like déjà vue.

Grubs, you are right. A little vigilance is probably a good thing. She knows with the video calls from her room every night on these trips that the trust will never be the same. Those vid calls are meant to show me that she is in her hotel, alone, out of makeup for the night. I never asked for the calls, she is proactively trying to show me that all is well.