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For those on this forum that did reconcile, I am curious if there were approaches or strategies that worked for you in order to restore trust and intimacy in the bedroom.

At this point, I have not yet decided on reconciliation. We've been together for 30 years and married for 27. MY WH and I are committed to a stage of recovery where we are unpacking what happened, why, and what it means so we can decide whether to reconcile or divorce. During that stage, however long it lasts, we have agreed that we will not be sexually intimate.

Of all the things I see that reconciliation would require, this is the one thing required of me that I am most worried about. His affair was intensely sexual, and for better or worse, I found out a lot of intimate details (more than he knows I know). It is hard for me to imagine how I could get that movie in my brain to turn off, and right now I cannot even stand the thought of him seeing my body unclothed. I can hug and hold hands in the context of painful discussions as we work through things. Anything more makes me physically ill because I feel so vulnerable and exposed.

I realize that this is normal; Dday was 1 month ago. Obviously, I have to work through some of this in IC.

However, for me to make the choice to try reconciliation, I would have to believe it IS AT LEAST POSSIBLE for this to get better. If you have any strategies or advice that could help me even imagine how this could heal, I would appreciate hearing what you have to say.

With DDay only 1 short month ago, the fact that you can form a sentence to make this post is impressive.

I'm a long way from DDays but in the beginning it was awful. I'd sob the entire time I'm in the shower because I had to be with my unworthy naked ass self. I'd pass by a mirror and mutter to myself "no wonder". I could go on. But you already know.

As for sex - I was very confused as the HB [Hysterical bonding] but hit hard (pun intended). And when the mind movies hit - I f****d them right out of my mind and made sure it was damn good for me.

God honest truth - it too months before I got sick of myself and started to reclaim myself. It took months after that before I started feeling some results.

A few things that worked for me:

* Exercise/long walks - with my music blaring [Chaos likes old school punk rock]
* Long showers - use the fancy shower gel, deep conditioner, exfoliation stuff, shave everything, and when you done use that fluffy bath sheet and scented body cream
* I wore sexy undies. All. The. Time. Even when scrubbing toilets and wearing housecleaning clothes.
* I did my hair and wore make up to do the same. There I was scrubbing toilets wearing sweats with sparkly pink undies and lip-gloss. Because it made me feel bad ass and bullet proof
* I cooked the meals I liked
* I bought the foods I wanted
* I crochet like a fiend - many hats/scarves/blankets donated to a cold weather shelter AND I got to stab things with a hook and twist. I found scads of yard for cheap at clearance isles in WalMart and found a bunch for pennies at my local GoodWill
* I took myself out for coffee dates. I would go to small cafes and get a cup of coffee (frugal Chaos drinks it black so it cheap enough). And I'd slowly sip that coffee. Sitting there people watching yet letting my mind grow blank. If there were shops around I'd wander aimlessly slowly sipping coffee. There was just a brief amount of sanity in each cup
* I danced like no one was watching. At home, pushing a cart in the grocery store, at various events. I did me.
* I cried when I needed to
* I started keeping a gratitude journal
* I came to SI and got my feelings out [SI is a lifesaver]
* I learned. Everything I could about Infidelity, LTAP, etc. And I kept copious notes/spreadsheets. This served a few purposes. Knowledge is power. Once I documented things I realized it purged my brain. My Lizard Brain didn't have to keep ruminating over the minute details so I'd remember them - I had them written down and saved. I would tell myself "Chaos - you can now get this out of your mind as it is off your chest. And it is safe - you can revisit any time you need. You got this"
* I learned along the way that Self Care was not Selfish. I took myself on lunch dates, shopping dates, exercise dates. If I wanted to do it - I did. Even if what I wanted to do was stay home in PJs sipping wine by the fire.
* I signed up for the Libby app for my local library and started enjoying my favorite authors in AudioBook form. Reading was a passion I just couldn't concentrate on post infidelity. But AudioBooks allowed me to enjoy the works of my favorite authors. Sometimes I'd get my coffee to-go and just drive aimlessly or sit in a parking lot slowly sipping and listening to a book.
* IC - I can't stress this enough. IC. I am lucky were my work has an excellent EAP program. I got 10 free initial visits and pay a reasonable co-pay afterward. It also comes with free 20 min phone consultations. I spent many a day sobbing in a parkinglot using those free 20 min phone calls before I took advantage of the visits. Years out, I still go every 1-2 months. Some times there isn't a lot to unpack. Sometimes there is. But I feel better knowing I have that option
* I saw my GP. And got an emergency Rx. I did use it regularly short term and still have a Rx for emergencies. I feel better knowing I have it. I keep it in my purse at all times and feel "safer" knowing I have options
* I allow myself to feel all the feels. I even keep a spreadsheet about them and sometimes patterns emerge. But I learned trying to power through the feelings and triggers was taking more energy than just leaning into them [thanks sisoon]

Others will be along shortly to chime in. You are not going through this alone.
Big hugs.

I kept copious notes/spreadsheets. This served a few purposes. Knowledge is power. Once I documented things I realized it purged my brain. My Lizard Brain didn't have to keep ruminating over the minute details so I'd remember them - I had them written down and saved. I would tell myself "Chaos - you can now get this out of your mind as it is off your chest. And it is safe - you can revisit any time you need. You got this"

I love this. You just made me feel normal. I have a huge database going of documents and details of what I have been able to reconstruct.

Thanks, also, for reassuring me that this will be a journey and I am on the path.

I think it can be different for everyone, and it can be a substantive hurdle for R.

We had 3-4 month HB run, and then that’s when I had to step back, and it was still too early for me to tell what was real, what was panic and if I was going to be able to get beyond those horror show mind movies and rebuild intimacy.

I always took it at my pace and my wife was great about that, even on those days she was the biggest trigger and I needed space.

It took two years for anything to feel remotely ‘normal’ but once I decided R was my path, I worked on incremental baby steps to let her back in to my heart. That’s where real intimacy starts for me anyway.

At some point, I think it is important he knows what you know, it may help him understand the scale of the damage he has caused.

The strategy is: take each step at your own pace, put no pressure on yourself, ever. If you feel it, you feel it, if you don’t, then you don’t.

Listen to Chaos – her approach to all of this, even way back when we were both newbies, was super helpful to me. Even now, whenever someone asks about how to build back confidence, I always think of her and her badass sparkly unicorn goddess- self.

Even if you are not feeling like a badass sparkly unicorn goddess yourself right now (and I imagine you’re probably not), fake it until you make it. A good friend of mine, who I lived with in undergrad, used to wake up early on days she had exams and instead of doing last minute cramming and rolling into the exam room in sweats and unwashed hair like the rest of us, she would do herself up like she was going to formal event. Imagine, her hair was washed and curled, her makeup was perfect, and she would put on a cute outfit. She insisted that it made her feel confident and that if she felt confident she would do better on her exam. I think she’s right. When you look good, you feel good, and when you feel good, you’re kind of unstoppable. Radical self-care is a must right now. For me, I got super into yoga for the first time in my life. I started doing it to see if I could train my brain to focus on something other than the A for like 10 minutes, but got addicted. Exercise obviously has such positive benefits for your body and mind and it made me feel so proud of myself to watch my body do things it couldn’t previously do. I wont lie, getting a "yoga body" didn’t hurt my self-confidence either.

In that same vein, I think sex needs to be about you for now – when you’re ready of course. Hysterical Bonding (HB) hit HARD for me in the aftermath of D-day. It was like this totally animalistic thing – I didn’t really understand what it was until I read about it here and wow, was that ever validating. The first time it happened, I was fine in the moment but it made me feel so pathetic about myself afterwards, like I was doing some sort of extreme "pick-me" dance. Later, I read something about it being like a dog pissing on a bush to reclaim their ‘property’ and honestly, as crass as that is, it felt more accurate for me. I tried not to overthink it and just enjoy it as much as I could. I certainly had intermittent triggers and mind-movies with sex for a while. When I had them, sometimes we’d stop and I’d cry (that’s totally okay!) and sometimes, I was able to work through them (usually by getting angry and focusing on myself - the AP had taken a lot from me and I wasn’t going to let her be in my actual bedroom).

Obviously, and I hope it goes without saying, please ensure you are both STD tested beforehand. Try not to psych yourself out before it even happens – you may surprise yourself.

This is all so helpful

At some point, I think it is important he knows what you know, it may help him understand the scale of the damage he has caused.

OldWounds, this turned out to be profoundly good advice. I did this last night. He had no idea I had the level of knowledge I had, and I think he was imagining he was ‘saving’ me from the pain of it all. When that illusion dropped, I think he finally realized the scale of the devastation. For the first time, I feel like we have arrived at full exposure foe where we both are and what we are feeling. I kept felling like I should hold on to the secrets to test his honesty, but revealing it forced him to let go of the idea he could protect me and himself from the full truth of what he did to me. It was a step forward.

Even if you are not feeling like a badass sparkly unicorn goddess yourself right now (and I imagine you’re probably not), fake it until you make it.

Emergent8, I appreciate the phrase ‘badass sparkly unicorn goddess’ and now aspire to become one! As you suggest, though, I am struggling with faking it. I had worked most of my life to come to love and appreciate my body, and this pretty much shattered that. I did treat myself to a spa day and I have been focusing on trying to take it step by step to reclaim feeling ok. As like the idea of thinking up what I could be comfortable with, just define steps. But I suspect that like Chaos warns, it will be a rocky road.

THANKS for the reminder that it is stilll early. Time will help.
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OldWounds, this turned out to be profoundly good advice. I did this last night. He had no idea I had the level of knowledge I had, and I think he was imagining he was ‘saving’ me from the pain of it all. When that illusion dropped, I think he finally realized the scale of the devastation. For the first time, I feel like we have arrived at full exposure foe where we both are and what we are feeling. I kept felling like I should hold on to the secrets to test his honesty, but revealing it forced him to let go of the idea he could protect me and himself from the full truth of what he did to me. It was a step forward.

I am glad it worked out so far — the key is what he does with what you told him. WS instinct is damage control when they need to be in empathy mode.

Vent early and often, those first months to first year or so can have some very tough days.

OMG Chaos, PREACH! Your post is balm to my soul! Somehow and somewhere along the line, self care felt selfish. But that is exactly what I need.

[This message edited by geewhiz at 11:09 PM, Tuesday, March 14th]

I love chaos’s post too.

I am going to just say this- our sex life often reflects what is happening within the relationship and the two people in it.

If there is trust, respect, intimacy, love, it’s a lot easier to have sex. I needed to get some of my equilibrium back before that part could ever return to any normalcy.

We are madhatters so I had an affair first, and we had hysterical bonding after mine. But when the shoe was on the other foot three years later, it was the opposite. I couldn’t fathom having sex and the best strategy for me was not to do it until I felt ready. (My husband also had a highly sexual affair that I have a lot of details about)

And protecting that boundary was an important part of our ability to reconcile. He had had sex many times a week with her in our home for 18 months to say I felt violated by that is an understatement.

You were just severely traumatized, don’t traumatize yourself further by prioritizing sex over what you need to heal.

Baby steps. Try and get back a baseline until it feels organic to move forward.At whatever point in time that is, then my answer would include a few things:

Try to incorporate general affection in an organic way. Nothing forced.

When that is reestablished, then maybe try massage.

Always stop when you need to stop.

For a while I took over initiating. Him initiating triggered me.this was a recommendation by a therapist and it was helpful.

And sometimes I still stopped. Not for punishment, but the last thing I wanted was to go force myself to go through with something I didn’t like how it was feeling

For us, it worked better if we were out in nature or in a hotel or anywhere but in that house. But that was due to details of the affair. I sometimes felt like I couldn’t breathe in there. We had to sell the house.

Some people change their bedroom. If you do either thing, don’t redo the room until you are ready for this new phase because if you do it too soon it will still serve as a reminder of the aftermath.

Your healing should be the highest priority and it’s a lot of work. Unfortunately that work is going to be there whether or not you reconcile. So the primary strategy has to be to focus only on what you want and need surrounding sex.

Part of him showing you that he is worth such a big investment as reconciliation is to put you first in the situation. And not in a manipulative way. The only way he will be able to prove that to you is a long period of consistency. As far as when you add sex back in that process is up to you.

We are 2.5 years out from my husbands affair. Our sex life works today, and there are aspects that are better. I can’t claim it’s perfect, but it’s gotten to a point where I rarely have to stop. It’s gotten easier over time and I expect that it will continue to. Our relationship over all is significantly better than prior to my affair, but also a lot of investment has been made.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:13 AM, Wednesday, March 15th]

Hikingout,

Thank you for sharing those steps; I’ve set up the first few. I have suggested we hug after deep discussions or hikes/skis together as a way to just get used to the idea of affectionate, but non-sexual touch. We are sharing the bed again and trying to go to sleep and wake up together. it is helping, and about all I am ready for. I am grateful for some ideas of next steps to take if and when I am ready. I have told him we are still in recovery, not reconciliation, and that sex is something that I am only open to if and when we BOTh choose the path to reconcile.

Although I am still in recovery mode, it also means a great deal to hear from those that did choose to reconcile and know that even if the road is difficult, it is possible.

Thank you for that. It’s a gift I appreciate right now.