SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 4 years out from D-day. I thought I had a truly remorseful spouse. After a rough beginning, I felt he got it. Let me preface this with I don't think anyone else involved in this. This is a crossroads in our relationship. The past few months, when we argue about anything, it gets vicious. It has gone from being able to be sympathetic to being downright nasty, name-calling and whatnot. When I call him out on it, he says "well, you started it." Like he's 12 instead of 50. It literally feels like he is just done being sorry and "being made to feel like a bad person, Like, I said I was sorry for the past 4 years!" I do know I say nasty things to him out of pain (we unfortunately see AP on occasion) and I know that's wrong, to be an adult and communicate that way. This weekend he told me he is done and wants to get away from my negativity and lack of respect. It's like he gets a brand new start where he thinks "he did everything" and I'm left with the pain of the betrayal and wasting 4 years. I really wish I could hate him and tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out.

Sorry you are struggling, but it sounds like WH has something else going on the side. The arguments that make no sense and go right to 11 (downright nasty as you described) feel to me like a telltale sign of an affair. I hate to advise you it is time to go back into investigative/snooping mode to see what you can find.

A telltale sign of a safe and recovered WS is finding their empathy. You describe your interactions with a husband that is almost devoid of empathy. If you are sorry for what you've done, you are sorry today, sorry 10 years from now and sorry on your deathbed. There is no getting over it period. If you are triggered by a chance encounter with the AP, he should be supportive and there for you, but instead he isn't, or so you have described. He might be NC with AP, but have you considered that there could be a new AP out there that he is in contact with, perhaps in a more careful manner than before and by that I mean like a hidden app on his phone, a burner phone or maybe something work related. Granted I don't now what your WH does for a living, but through my work I have MS Teams platform and with it, a separate work number that could be used for messaging and calls. It's right there on my personal cell phone and could conceivably make a call using my regular cell phone or using the alternate number from my work phone.

[This message edited by Bor9455 at 8:07 PM, Monday, November 14th]

This was a similar dynamic to what my xWS and I had. He also wasn't very remorseful and I wasn't able to ever let the A go or move forward. We had lots of name calling nasty fights too. I felt like the toxicity from both of us near the end of the M was at a level 10. Sometimes it doesn't work out. Sometimes the WS is just not remorseful or remorseful enough and sometimes the A is just a dealbreaker for the BS. I know I lost respect for my xWS and it just wasn't coming back. I can tell you since leaving it has been so much better, without the heavy cloud of our toxic M or the A hanging over my head. It's ok to walk away. Not every M can be saved after an A. In fact I would venture to say most don't or most M's do not thrive after an A.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:13 PM, Monday, November 14th]