Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction and drive to superachieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. This book has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address these root causes and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past failures.
My WW has been having a difficult time admitting to the truth of her A. It's beyond just trying to hide it, it's like a complete inability to admit something, even when the proof is laid out in front of her, and our MC and her IC tell her it's not helping her to ignore the truth. She is very ashamed, and absolutely self-loathing. But - she's also completely self-focused.
This book came as a recommendation out of my IC, for my wife. My IC thinks this book may help my wife understand why she is being dishonest. I'm going to read it first. I'll report back here when I'm done.
Here are two quotations I found interesting so far:
What I discovered was that shame as a healthy human emotion can be transformed into shame as a state of being. As a state of being shame takes over one's whole identity. To have shame as an identity is to believe that one's being is flawed, that one is defective as a human being. Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing.
Toxic shame is unbearable and always necessitates a cover-up, a false self. Since one feels his true self is defective and flawed, one needs a false self that is not defective and flawed. Once one becomes a false self, one ceases to exist psychologically. To be a false self is to cease being an authentic human being. The process of false self formation is what Alice Miller calls "soul murder."
Has anyone else read this? If so, what did you think? If not, and you do start reading it, we can compare notes.
[This message edited by hurtpartner73 at 7:06 PM, Friday, October 21st]
Me: BH, 49; Her: WW, 47, bipolar/borderline DDAY 4/23/2022 - EA 2005-2009ish? PA? Not sure. TT M 17 years, Trying to R - it's bumpy