SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi again everyone,
So a slight revelation since my d-day about 8 days ago, my son (14) said I quote "Dad's been getting away with it for 4 months"...heartbreaking for him.

I've noticed a lot of anger from my son and he was being disrespectful to me out of the blue, has anyone had expereince in navigating a situation in which a young teen had to keep his WH/WW's secrets?

He does start therapy Wednesday but I wonder what else I can do, his heart is so broken. We are divorcing and althoguh my WH wants full custody (completly crazy since he really does zero parenting) BUT since the divorce is proceeding (i'll be using my post-nuptial with fidelity clause for sure) he's literally been MIA.

He's out ALL the time, not interested in taking the kids to their sports, to school, basically has dumped their care 100% in my lap (minus the little he did before).

I'm at a loss, If I were trying to get custody or even care for my kids like I do in this situation I would be showing them I can be a good parent.

I have to believe WH is not out patrolling new women with the post-nuptial on the table--I mean I'm sure we will have a hearing, proof will be brought to court and the proponderance of it all settled on--why risk getting anymore of his hands dirty. I know I'm trying to figure out a sociopath at this point, so maybe this is more of a vent but I just don't know what gives with my WH?

I'm so, so sorry for you and your son.

...what gives with my WH?

He's self centered and is even moreso now that that cat is out of the bag.

Also, he doesn't want to have to face people who now see him as he truly is. He liked it when people thought well of him. It's easier to avoid people who know your deep flaws than face them. It's avoidance of shame. "If I avoid facing it, I won't feel it." It's a weak approach to shame.

I'm sorry your son was directing his anger toward you. Brace for more of this at times. Unfortunatley, kids sometimes lash out at their safest person--the person who they know is strong and resilient, the person who loves them no matter what. They aren't necessarily mad at you, but you are the safe zone for their anger.

Keep being a strong mama and keep being kind to yourself!

My friend’s father was a serial cheater, gaslighter etc. My friend said he wasn’t a good husband but he was a good father. Thats the best you can hope for regarding their relationship, over which if you separate you can’t really control or manage given his age. Your husband sounds like a coercive controller which tends to extend to all relationships.All you can do is be a good role model, show your son now who you really are, what you stand for as a person and that it’s never too late to make change. Tell him what your values are if the conversation regarding his father arises - eg I value honesty and integrity, that’s what I stand for. And be that person. Your son will work out eventually what sort of person he wants to be (sounds like he already knows dad is a lying douche). Take care.

edited - I didn’t really answer your question sorry just wanted to wish you well.

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 3:12 AM, Sunday, September 25th]

It’s unfortunate that your son is involved in this. At his age he can’t progress any of this. He needs to see someone to get a grip on his life.

Breakingbad,

I appreciate your post, it all makes utter and complete sense. My son is his little "best friend" it is a rather sick and unhealthy relationship, my WH has NO family, NO friends and has always called MY Mom on a couple times a week for advice and to vent on the marriage, so basically WH is has burned his miniscule circle down to the ground. WH puts too much on my son emotionally. My son starts therapy this week, so I am HOPING now that there's a "watchful eye" my WH knows my son will be talking too he starts proceeding more carefully with his actions towards my son.

Ironically, my older daughter is almost 15, WH has given up trying to justify his choices and actions, she won't go with his as far as custody goes and sees directly through his facade. They have both caught him with the burner phone where he gaslighted them, saying they were crazy and didn't see what they knew they saw.

The being a SAFE place to deposit his anger makes a incredible amount of sense, I am the well adjusted strong person in this mess, I've always been the person they can depend on, the one who didn't destroy their family. I'll expect to have more of his anger coming my way for some time.

I'll prepare to weather this storm for us all

Thank you, CT101

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 1:09 PM, Tuesday, September 27th]

VezFromTaz, I am 200% going to have to take the high road here despite what I completely know of WH, he definitely exhibits coersive control in all relationships, even reading the text from the OW he was already starting down that road very early in their affiars.

I have been steadily building with my son WHY WH's actions are poor and that he can choose differently, my son is in weekly faith centered youth classes and I've recently got him started in referring soccer which he loves (and makes his own independent money) I am doing everything I can to build positives in his life, sending him ecouragment with faith components and just being as postive in every aspect. ((keeping my weak times private and out of his sights)

My WH on the other hand is berating him, demanding he makes choices on custody and telling him "if WH has to pay child support, he won't do anything extra for them) I'm positive that WH is doing nothing to help his son in any postive way. He is only self-serving in every behavior.

Thank you, CT101

HarryD, yes absolutley. My son is in the middle of hell right now. He has seen search history on my WH's phone that included what happens if you committ suicide to your life insurance another time my son came home to find my WH in his car with it running in the garage and it be completly hot, he texted WH to get out because the fumes were bad, WH just said he was "talking on the phone" my son pleaded with him to get out.

Personally I think WH has manipulated this poor kid into a place where he painted a picture that he was unstable JUST so that he would keep his cheating secrets.

I am asking for full custody for the kids so I can at least do what I can to protect them emotionally. I think my
WH can keep it together for 2 days every other week.

Try to NOT remind your WS that your son has therapy appts, etc. this therapy is to give your child a safe space, not to hope your WS is going to change since more eyes will be on the issues.

My kids were tremendously helped long term in dealing with their Dad. Because they were given tools in counseling to deal with sick behavior, they were able to logically and calmly shut down their Dad and OW’s mental game playing.

Homewrecked2011 I have not even told my WH that the kids will be attending therapy. I'm sure it will eventually come out through a slip by my kids.

I am hoping that it is going to be helpful in navigating their feelings through this--not the safety net from their Dad I was describing earlier. I think that is my "hopes", more scrutiny will provide less damage to the kids by my WH.

I am hoping and praying getting them started in therapy will help them in dealing with my WH's sick mind games for sure, I cannot stress enough how many he plays. I am SO very glad as you stated it's helped your kids, I am hoping and praying it will be the same for mine.

My only fear is that when I had suggested "therapy" for the kids my WH made it clear to my son he was NOT to say a word. I am praying a good therapist can reassure him that therapy is a saving grace for him.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 8:37 PM, Sunday, September 25th]

I am so sorry that you are in such a very difficult situation. I commend you for getting the kids into therapy. This age is a very delicate stage for them. when this happened in my life, my kids found out, but my H was a good father and I could say to them that your dad messed up as a husband but that he is still a good father to you and nothing will change there. Do you think your husband will get into therapy? I certainly hope he tries.. He needs a third party to possibly help steer him into making good decisions and conversations with his children. I think it is great that your son attends faith group--- my son did that also and he truly enjoyed it. I hope that this is a short transition period for all of you. These hard seasons, painful experiences and chaotic moments.. you may look back on them one day and see that HE made all broken things beautiful again. and show you what healing looks like. Don't give up hope and preserve. God Bless.

Fof9303,
Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to do all I can for my kids, besides being in a tough situation it's a difficult age. My kids start therapy tomorrow so I'm praying it helps them. Unfortunately my WH is not a good father so separating out the good father from a bad husband isn't a higher road I can take. I know he loves the kids in his own way, I'm not sure how destroying their family once again after our initial D-DAy in 2015 shows exactly how much he cares for them since he has been caught again.

I have tried to get WH into a treatment center for his buliemia with no success, he only admitted to the eating disorder during the 7 years prior to 2015 D-Day and has denied doing it since. It is always apparent when WH is cheating since there's a huge upscaling of the buliemia when he's courting new AP's. I've offered to pay all the bills, hold down the fort so he could get help. I sadly know its all tied together, the cheating, the eating disorder etc. I can't make excuses for WH and without admitting it, there's no way he'll get the help he needs to be a good father.

I am leaning into my faith for all things in this season, along with the kids. I hope one day I can see beauty in all that is being destroyed right before my eyes.