In addition to the thread where I posting my bi-weekly questions, wanted to fix the state of play of 6 months being committed to healing myself. This forum has been very helpful, especially in the darker days.
What I did: I cheated, gaslight and was emotionally unavailable for last 3-4 years of my marriage.
What happened: Moving-out, separation, divorce.
The work:
1) daily 20-30 minute reading. books on gaslighting, impact of affair, self care. Thank you all for recommendations! :)
2) weekly/bi-weekly IC;
3) notes on self observation;
4) short daily journal.
At times it seems as a mountain impossible to climb, but then i remember 'one day at the time', log on here and feel much calmer.
Achievements (all interrelated):
1) acknowledging the damage the cheating did (personally myself it happened with an experience similar to catarhsis of extreme emotional outpour after which i was fully committed to the self-work);
2) better aware of kindness towards me (much better in picking up clues from conversation where previously i would be come very defensive);
3) in turn i can finally have better capacity for kindness towards my parents, relatives;
4) radar for bullshit is way improved;
5) getting rid of the defensiveness (a huge one; mostly related to the fact that I acknowledged to myself that I was not a good person so I did not had to lie to myself anymore. Not sure how it happened, i think it was done over time, I had multiple aha moments during these months and then roughly 1,5 month ago it clicked).
Struggles:
1) minimising the emotional damage and putting too much focus on cheating. To be worked on with the IC;
2) loss of sense / future (I recognise that is due to the recalibration of life after divorce, but still it makes some days very heavy);
3) slight nervousness about my own identity (liar and cheater is not what defines me, but I have to work on my values further);
4) in some cases, i still notice defensiveness and small white lies to myself. I have to be constantly aware on my communication patterns. This probably is the next biggest thing to rewire in my brain.
5) to be ok with the fact that I was only able to understand what I did only after moving-out. That I was not able to identify my shortcomings and work on them earlier and save the family. Guilt. A big struggle, but it gets easier once you have goal;
6) road that led to cheating - do not understand yet. It did not happen out of the blue - so I have to pick up the signs and the actions to avoid that in future. I have kind of idea, but to be also explored further.
As a last note, a week ago I went through all my notes since October 2021. And this month has been first period of more than 30 days when I feel good about myself and who I want to be. Still, the hole in the stomach is huge, but I am way less anxious and way less wanting to demonstrate to my ex how much better man I am now. I try to keep long, passionate speeches to myself (even if sometimes it is pretty hard) and let the actions do the talking (we are co-parenting and have day-to-day contact). And I acknowledge that all this work is for myself. Also a big one, was hard to get there.
I have put needs of others in front of mine, I have not been triggered or instigated me-me-me drama with my ex, I have observed the emotions come and go and have not reacted on them in a destructive way, I have been respectful in the communication and kind towards ex and for most of the time I have not spotted a situation where i lied to myself.
I am proud of this and even a two three months ago this seemed to be impossible. There is a lot of work in front of me, but it is doable!
Onwards and upwards!
[This message edited by Spaceman at 10:38 AM, Wednesday, May 4th]