SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had to teach myself that there was an entire class of people, some of them in my own FAMILY, who had no desire to offer me consistency in either caring or not caring, and they were not at all bothered by how that would impact me.

I added bold for emphasis.

Even worse is that if you grow up with family members like this, you learn that this type of behavior is NORMAL. Because you think that it's normal, you almost seek out such people for relationships.

My girlfriend's father was an alcoholic... she has dated, almost exclusively, alcoholics.

My mother is a narcissist... all of my long-term relationships have been with narcissists. I have ended relationships, in hindsight, with healthy people because they were not narcissists... because they were kind to me, which didn't feel right to me (as stupid as that sounds).

And, my relationship with my girlfriend has serious issues with what I call "co-dependency death spirals." For example, she will make me a huge dinner to try and make me happy. I don't feel worthy of such a huge dinner, so I feel awful that she did that. I then fail to appreciate the dinner properly and she's hurt because she did this huge thing to make me happy but it didn't. And so we start arguing... luckily, we have been able to recognize the co-dependency death spirals and it's almost like saying that phrase is code for "this is a stupid argument" and we usually stop after someone identifies the co-dependency death spiral.

Thank you. That sounds familiar to me. I’d say before my ex cheated and left we were codependent. She was fun to spend time with but is unbelievably stubborn. Even today I would love to get her to admit things she did wrong in our marriage. She absolutely won’t
admit fault. She won’t even admit she cheated since she said she’d already "broken up" with me. She said it wasn’t working but hadn’t moved out and seemed to have a hard time not being around me. There are a few things she does that I can’t believe she can’t admit she was wrong. One thing that’s nuts that she doesn’t admit being wrong is she would meet me somewhere and one friend would call. Most people would kind of wrap it up and say we are out. I’ll call you later or something. She would just continue talking with me sitting in a restaurant or somewhere alone waiting for her to finish. She also had a habit of being out with me and chatting up other people at the place and totally ignoring me. Even the relationship she just says we had a bad dynamic and it wasn’t working or she didn’t feel any different after a couple marriage counseling sessions. It is so weird to me that I take responsibility for faults but she either blames me or says it wasn’t working. Even our sex life drives me crazy. She said we weren’t emotionally connected so she never wanted to. Somehow this AP, who looks like an ugly dirtbag seems to emotionally connect like I guess I never could. I want her to be rational even today. I saw the quote in another thread on here that a perfect marriage is two imperfect people who won’t give up on each other. I like that. I admit it takes two but to have her do this so heartlessly blows my mind. Thanks again!

And you love this woman?

You may not believe this but you are going to be a lot healthier when she is not in your life treating you like a doormat. It may take a while, but you will probably eventually get to the place where you realize that she is giving you freedom from a very unhappy life.

In the meantime I can’t help but wonder how long her unstable life will play out. Most nonprofits do not want a director with an unsavory lifestyle. If her bf is such a maggot as you say, this new life she found could rapidly fail. The only reason that is relevant is how your kids will be affected.

I predict you will find your anger and that will be the first step toward regaining your dignity. As you right the emotional ship, it will get easier and you will be surprised to find you are attractive to normal women.

So do not be surprised that the more stable you become the less she seems. And if you find a life without her expect that she will find that unacceptable. Vampires need constant feeding, you see.

Even the longest journey begins with the first step. You now have a way to regain your life. Begin.

Thanks Longsadstory1952. I really loved her. Yes she could be cruel and didn’t value me now that I have some distance. She could be very thoughtful though. She’d plan trips and do very nice things but didn’t see me as an equal unfortunately. It’s like her job where she helps the homeless. She felt she was being kind to a guy that didn’t deserve her. Sex was a gift to me and a chore rather than something special we shared. My self esteem can be low but I’m actually not an ugly dude believe or not. Before she broke my confidence I was able to attract women. Now I’m kind of a sad shell of who I was wishing I wasn’t alone. I’m not a hateful person. I think of ways I could be been a better husband and kept my family together. I know I called her a narcissist in this thread but I’m not blind to think I’m perfect and she’s evil. She has hurt me badly but I know there must be someone else out there. Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

Hey Lonely

Your story sounds eerily familiar. 2020 WW got her dream job. Her AP was the guy who recruited her. A successful lawyer. First she blamed me. He was divorcing his third wife so they bonded over work and trash talking their spouses. Sex was always an issue for me. I was never made a priority after we had children. I sucked it up and figured that as a man, I have to be tough and deal with it.

It’s all BS. It’s a rollercoaster you are going through and I can relate. Sometimes I feel good about myself and at other times not so much.

I believe my WW has Narc tendencies. She has a desperate need for people to see her as successful. She had plastic surgery. She is not a full blown Narc but definite tendencies in that direction. I’ll never win an argument so I don’t bother. Just know that an empathetic person is a better person.

Your WW sounds similar. CEO of a nonprofit that helps homeless is in her eyes huge. I’ve always been the type of person who believed that what counts is what is on the inside and people who value you based on your "image" or theirs are not people worth emotionally investing in.

When I hear my WW on her zoom calls for work now with her fake voice it’s like nails on a chalkboard. You and I would be better off with a person who values us and not their outward appearance.

[This message edited by Flaco at 5:52 PM, Sunday, April 17th]

Thank you Flaco. I’m sorry to hear you experienced something so similar. It’s hard dealing with people who can’t self reflect. I totally get the nails on a chalkboard thing with the fake personality. It’s funny but not hearing you say that because it is so familiar. My WW is so into impressing people that at a restaurant or bar she says things that make me cringe. She’ll tell the server "I just can’t decide! Everything sounds so good!" The server isn’t the chef and doesn’t care. She also apologizes when asking for water and has to ask about the most popular mimosas or ask "what’s your haziest hazy IPA? She says all of this in a way that she’s dying to be loved by the servers. It’s so annoying because my opinions mean nothing and she bulldozes me in any argument but can’t order dinner without knowing what is popular. She can’t think for herself but in our relationship she was always 100 percent right and couldn’t consider I had valid points. Your Zoom comment is just like my WW. I agree. It sounds like you and I both would do better with women who don’t act that way. Thanks and sorry you have similar problems. People have said she is her AP’s problem now. She lives with him. It does make me wonder how this guy deals with some of her controlling ways. I assume she must be easier on him.

That all sounds very similar. For what it’s worth, I think you’re lucky she has moved on to the AP. It’s just my opinion.

My WW had plans to move on with the AP. When she realized how much she stood to lose financially she decided to stay and not work on the marriage. Now we are legally separating. I wish she had left.

Sadly I’m not strong enough to initiate the divorce because I don’t want to do that to my kids. It’s like a holding pattern. Maybe someday.

Hang in there. I think you are better off.

Thanks Flaco. I probably am better off. I agree. Thanks again!