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Tomorrow is the first antiversary of DDay1, and I swear I can feel it in my bones! Everything feels "off" for me, and I just feel "meh". I don't feel angry and I don't feel like I am going to bawl my eyes out or anything, I just feel off. You know that ominous feeling like something bad is going to happen, but you don't know what it is? That's how I feel.

WH is feeling like that, too, but I'm not sure if its because he realizes what tomorrow is, or because we had some revelations from DD this week that rocked him a little. She is scarred from the way he acted last year, and is just now finding her footing to express this. He is struggling with the repercussions of what he did and how it affected ALL of us.

In general, he is so different especially from last year, but honestly the entire relationship. The changes he is making/has made are complete 180's in the best possible way. I feel like he finally gets it. He set reminders on his phone of all the days that I told him were going to be huge trigger days for me during the next month of "A" season...which was encouraging because I didn't ask him to do that.

But regardless of all the good, tomorrow and the next month just seem daunting...like a dark cloud is following me. I'm trying to focus on me and self care, but its still there in the back of my mind.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 5:20 PM, Saturday, February 19th]

[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 9:57 PM, Friday, February 18th]

How did the antiversary end up going for you? I hope you are doing all right.

I was "down" but he remembered, and made sure to tell me that he knew what day it was and how sorry he was, and just showered me with love all day.

"A" season is weird...I thought I was going to take it harder than i have so far. I haven't done a lot of "playing back" the memories from this time last year. That could change as the bigger days come (first time they slept together)

It helps that I can see that he is actually sorry, and the pain he is in is palpable. He is struggling with the choices he made, and not that I want him to be in pain, but to see that he is actually affected and not just ignoring the chaos that he made is encouraging to me.

I hope it passed with little stress, having a remorseful caring spouse makes a big difference. I remember how stressed I was leading up to the first antiversary, when it passed I was relieved because it really wasn’t as bad as anticipated. I knew right then if that’s as bad as it gets, we’re going to be ok.

Tanner - the lead up was so much worse than the actual day. I about made myself sick a month ago thinking about how I was going to spend the entire time thinking about it. But I really haven't thought about it any more than normal. His support and comfort has gone a long way for me though. Him setting reminders for the big days felt huge, it took so much stress off of me. And just how much he has changed makes a big difference...its easy to remind myself "that was then, this is now" because he doesn't act even remotely the same anymore.

His support and comfort has gone a long way for me though.

its easy to remind myself "that was then, this is now" because he doesn't act even remotely the same anymore.

I think these statements say a lot. I'm happy you made it through a tough day and even happier to read that he is helping you and being a team player with you.

Now that you've made it through the first one made it a year.... you got this. It doesn't mean there won't be bad, but it does mean that you know you can make it through anything.