SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My BH has been asking since we got married just 7 months ago to be a priority. I haven’t been able to see or admit to myself how self absorbed I’ve been until he said that he feels nothing towards me and wants a divorce.
I have finally fully admitted to how awful of a person I have been. I had been interacting with a coworker and talking about being intimate, although we never were, the exchanges of intent was clear. I lied about the A for a month before he dragged it out of me and still a week later I couldn’t be totally be honest with him about an inappropriate interaction I had with my AP after Dday until he asked me what else I was hiding. I am so ashamed and know I have to live with my decisions. He has no reason to trust me. I have sought out marriage therapists but he does not want to meet, I think he doesn’t see the point. I have been paralyzed on how to fix this and haven’t done enough to make him feel I’m worth it. I feel like I lost my way and I can be the woman he feel in love with but I don’t know if the hurt is too deep and how I could possibly make amends. My words are meaningless and hold no weight because I’ve been lying.

Has anyone survived this? I’m looking for any advice.

Let the poor guy go, he deserves better than what you can offer.

You posted this same question in the Waywards forum.
You came asking for help and advice, and I would want to offer you the best chance to get that. I’m going to suggest you ignore this thread and focus on the one in Waywards.
You will get better mod- and guide monitoring, more protection and possibly less (IMHO) non-helpful comments suggesting you dont have anything to offer him.

Id post this in the waywards channel thread but I got locked out of it by a mod because I didnt understand that only waywards could post in there at first so Im posting here.

My fWW got into a 6 month EA and 4 month PA with her coworker culminating in her giving me an STD and in the minutes after she told me she texted her AP "I love you no matter what happens". We also had no kids or house and were in our twenties and married just 2 years. My reaction was that I'd do anything to get her back and I dedicated myself entirely to the recovery work. This reaction was the opposite of what she expected and shocked her into ending the A. We now have 3 kids 16 years later and for the most part her affair has not factored into our day to day lives.

Others here with substantially more investment and kids cant get over their wife having an EA and kissing someone a few times and they divorce.

My point is it takes two people of a certain character type to R. While we cant be sure you are truly R material, in my opinion your husband is not.

[This message edited by gainingclosure at 4:27 PM, Wednesday, February 2nd]

I don't know what you M is like, but I would advise your husband to run because you don't have much practical entanglements and it's in the easy part early on.

If you want a snowball's chance in hell, proactively offer the list we tell BS's to demand.

Complete electronic transparency (one way you don't get access to his stuff).

Complete written timeline, schedule a polygraph to confirm completeness and accuracy, let him screen the service.

Get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's your new bible.

Get individual therapy for yourself.

Offer a post up (if they are valid in your state with an infidelity clause).

Get a new job, quit immediately.

Send a no contact letter to your AP in front of your husband. Block him everywhere.

That much effort will buy you a lottery ticket.

EDIT TO ADD: Get individual therapy to understand why you made monumentally selfish decisions and how to become a better person.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:58 PM, Wednesday, February 2nd]

I'm sorry, seekinghelptoo, but I would tell your BH to run, far and fast, from you, as well. You and he are only 7 months in. This is supposedly the honeymoon period of your marriage, and you already strayed. Not to mention that now getting disentangled should be much easier now than later on.

You cannot rebuild the marriage as your first step, because it was on unstable ground before this, namely YOU. The same things about you that caused the fail in the first place, will cause it to collapse again. Even if your BH were to "rugsweep" and give you another chance right now, you will otherwise eventually be back to your old self once your relief and gratitude wears off. You instead need to dig deep and find out why you were able to betray your H. This will include an IC who holds you accountable, not someone who tries to make you feel better with the "affairs are because of inmet needs" nonsense. Your affair was a bunch of conscious decisions on your part, whatever issues your M may have had, there were much better remedies than stepping out behind your H's back and betraying him.

And related to this, you need to start living with integrity, and this includes giving your BH a fair divorce settlement generous to him, if that is what he truly needs.

Also just as important, your BH is devastated right now. He needs you to be on the ground with him as he works through his pain.

But anyways you are at the right place on the interwebz, you did well coming here, I do hope you stay and heed the advice given.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:24 PM, Wednesday, February 2nd]