SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wasn’t sure what forum to post this on but seeing as tho R is involved I’ll post here.

4 years ago I was very active on SI as my W was cheating and ultimately left me with our 2 children and asked for a divorce. I told her I would if that was what she really wanted. She had an almost 3 year relationship with the OM. During that time I met and talked to a lot of really good people here, one especially, an amazing woman who really understood me, we became very close friends, nothing more and she became very important in my life, we helped each other thru it. 3 years after dday my WW comes to me wishing to R, we hadn’t bothered to get the D done, it just didn’t seem important really, we talked about it and I decided to give her that chance and it’s going as well as an R can without her doing any of the work, she just doesn’t get it. The dilemma is I’m now in R but I will not ever turn my back or give up the friendship I’ve made. I don’t know what to do.

I decided to give her that chance and it’s going as well as an R can without her doing any of the work, she just doesn’t get it. The dilemma is I’m now in R but I will not ever turn my back or give up the friendship I’ve made.

If she's not doing the work you are not in R. Purgatory maybe but not R. You can be someone who wants to R but it takes two for it to be successful. It sounds like you are just the soft landing spot for her. Is this what you really want? If not, dust off the D and move forward with it.

and it’s going as well as an R can without her doing any of the work, she just doesn’t get it

I think you see the oxymoron in your statement. You're not in R. You may be still married on paper, and you may be white knuckling it, but you're in in any version of what actual reconciliation looks like.

Why do you have to give up the friend that you made as long as no boundaries were crossed? Is your WW asking you to?

If your WW is allowed to come home and refuse to do the work of R, it sounds like you might struggle with boundary setting and standing up for yourself. Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. Get yourself into IC. Ask yourself what you really want and how you can get that. You deserve better than what she is giving you.

I don't know your story, but her wish to return can't be because of her love for you, after cheating on you and leaving you and the kids for 3 year RS with her AP. It just shows that she couldn't find what she was look for in the AP. So she returned to the safe harbor until the storm subsided.
Let alone anything I had to give up for reconciliation, I wouldn't accept her back again.

During that time I met and talked to a lot of really good people here, one especially, an amazing woman who really understood me, we became very close friends, nothing more and she became very important in my life, we helped each other thru it.

I'm not saying this was an EA, but is there some specific content to those conversations you want to hide from your wife? If so what and why? Can you just let her look at the correspondence to give her piece of mind that you aren't having and online EA?

I could see how it's a little unfair to say, "I need complete electronic transparency from you, but you can't look at this one specific conversation with a member of the opposite sex". I'm not saying you need to offer symmetrical electronic transparency, of course. The reasons recovery are asymmetrical is because the affair is asymmetrical.

Just seems like if she has a specific reason to be worried about a specific relationship, it's worth offering evidence that it isn't a problem.

Hmmm, seems like she wanted "R" because her little three year sexual tour left her feeling empty and didn't work out the way she wanted. Now she's back for another slice of cake from you. Maybe think about that.

WW here.

It's a lot of work to become even "safe" to be considered for R. What is your WW doing to work on herself to be "safe" to you?

It sounds like you're plan B and NO ONE deserves to be plan B.

Your friend sounds like a genuine relationship. The one to your WW does not.

Your subconscious is telling you something- there's a reason you didn't cancel the D paperwork. You can withdraw the filing, cancel the paperwork, tear it to shreds if you like. You haven't. There's a reason.

Do both of yourselves and your kids a favor- don't drag your family through the back and forth of an M on paper only. I had a friend whose parents divorced, remarried, divorced and remarried and DIVORCED AGAIN. This did HUGE damage to her and her sisters.

Don't do this to your kids.

we talked about it and I decided to give her that chance and it’s going as well as an R can without her doing any of the work, she just doesn’t get it. The dilemma is I’m now in R but I will not ever turn my back or give up the friendship I’ve made. I don’t know what to do.

Is your WW asking you to end the friendship? Is she arguing you should give it up as a "fair trade" for her not having male friends?

The demand of a quid pro quo is not a remorseful attitude. When I was regretful but not remorseful, I made these kinds of deals. Chief among them was "I agreed to sacrifice my post-A friendship with OM, so you should agree to stop ruminating and leave the past in the past." I don't know if I ever said it that baldly, but the message was clear, and my H wishes he had rejected it. It was a manipulative false equivalency. You should not have to sacrifice an honest friendship to get your WW to do the work.

But here's the other side of the coin. If you had a WW who was sincerely remorseful and proving it through her actions, I would be on the fence about you continuing an emotionally intimate friendship which made her uncomfortable. At a certain point, you're in or you're out on rebuilding your M as the primary relationship in your life, and I don't think you can get all the way there if someone else is standing in between you. It isn't an issue when you're metaphorically miles apart, but it does matter if you're right next to each other and that third person is blocking the view. This would also be true of future romantic relationships after D.

As a madhatter, I will go ahead and point out the third rail of your question. Do you, in fact, have feelings that you're avoiding looking at -- a dawning recognition that losing this person would spark despair that you wouldn't feel about losing any other friendship? I caution you that I am asking a question that I do not want you to answer here. It is a guideline violation to discuss romantic or even potentially romantic feelings for another SI member. However, in your own head, you should analyze why you felt the need to declare that this friendship is non-negotiable, even at the cost of your R. I am well acquainted with the kind of internal avoidance that allowed me to ignore an elephant in the room.

I hope I haven't offended you, HFD. My personal gut is that you shouldn't try R with someone who has proved themselves to be incapable of the effort. My feeling is that you should D and find someone who is available to be the whole package -- to fill both the role of your wife and of your most trusted friend. When you find that person, I don't think it will be so hard to know what you need to do.