SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted about 2 weeks ago here.

My wife left me as soon as I discovered her affair with another woman who is gay-married. They moved in together just 3 days later. I'm devastated, but lawyered up, etc. Trying to move on as best I can.

The other betrayed spouse was in my kindergarten class. We've not been close but I've seen her over the years, etc. Now that this has happened she keeps texting me to either get details on the 2 cheaters or to give me info., like details of where they were meeting prior to my discovery. I admit to being somewhat addicted to these texts out of curiosity. I realize this isn't healthy though. The other betrayed is actually worse off emotionally than I am. Given our friendship history I feel the need to console her.

Any advice?

If you have actual facts then send them or tell her but then tell her you are moving on and wish her the best. It’s very kind of you to give her what information you have but make sure it’s true information and not just your thoughts.

You can acknowledge and relate whatever facts you might know that could be helpful to her. However, you have every right to indicate that the trauma this is brought on to you, limits your ability to communicate beyond the facts that you know.

Very sorry for what you're going through.

If she is already aware of the A and you've shared the pertinent info you know about, then you are under no obligation to continue speaking with her. Right now your focus should be on doing things that are good for your healing, and if speaking with her is not helping you heal then cut it off.

I know that's easier said than done for sure.

I did notice for me after dday and especially after my S&D, I was just emotionally spent by my own existence so I got very good at being very discerning how I invested my emotional time. I got okay with being 'selfish' and saying no when I needed to. I think it has made me a way happier camper because I really don't have that "I should do" feeling anymore - nowadays I do with and for others because I actually want to.

Since she is the one who notified you, I would help her out. She is a lesbian so it isn't a sexual thing. She probably is battling her friends drawing lines.
Plus she volunteered the information that your wife said you hit her. Maybe stick to the texting unless you feel she is spinning out of control. Stick to facts, but try to build up her self esteem because she probably feels in the dumps right now.
You aren't super aware of what is going on, on her side of this. So maybe she knows you are someone safe who won't turn this around on her later.
More allies over less is always helpful. Especially when you will have to split proceeds from the house and other junk.

She is requesting information that you might know.
You're the only "through the looking glass" player in this big mess.
Think about, for her own closure, what there is to know, or how it got going.

You probably know at least more than she does.
Conveying this kind of thing to her is of great value.

Do not get emotionally entangled with her story.
Tell her what you got, when that's gone, go silent.

I'd say reach out to her, talk to her, met up in person, whatever. You've been friends with this woman most of your life. She's in pain and looking for answers. Be her friend. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. The only caveat I would add is that both of you have issues with each other's STBXs. There might be a few uncomfortable moments, you know?

I went through something similar. My ex left me for his best friends wife. Her husband and mine had been best friends since grade school. His parents considered my husband a second son. I had met them many times. When this happened, I expected that her husband would want to talk to me about it. He was devastated just as I was, so for a time it was fine. But it got more and more and more intense. And then his mother started calling me.

His parents lived in Florida and I was in the Midwest running our Bed & Breakfast. His mother would call me at least three times a day on my business 800 number for the inn. In one month alone her calls added up to $480 for me, and that was 30 years ago. It was to the point where she was suggesting I get together with her son, and she was encouraging him to do so. I tried reasoning with her and finally had to just stop answering her calls, because it was financially and emotionally draining.

It seems from what you've said you've probably shared all you have to share, and if it goes on for longer it will just be rehashing the same hurts. Don't do that to yourself. Tell her politely you've said all you have to say and if it continues, just stop taking the calls and texts. You don't have a responsibility to help her heal. You need to take care of you right now.