Hi, I'm stuck right now. As you know I've had multiple affairs over the period of my marriage and before. It has taken me years to fully confess everything I've done and even now I doubt I have told my BS everything as there was a lot of wayward behaviour and I suspect that there are things I don't remember.
I have a timeline of everything I remember doing from sexual/physical affairs, porn use, masturbation over women I worked with in my sexual fantasies, sexual fantasies over fantasy women, flirtation with women online and while out with "friends", financial infidelity and an emotional affair.
I have struggled with being honest to BS and being honest to myself. In January of this year I came clean on two physical affairs while at University. I have had a number of "rock bottoms" which recently involved thoughts of taking my own life. I am under counselling and we're going through MC. I am also taking medication for depression. I am in regular contact with one of the posters on here and we're working together on my issues. This includes angry outbursts, my whys, my selfish thoughts when I think I'm doing the right thing and I'm not, my listening skills, my empathy. He has told me things my BS has said on many occasions and frustratingly for her, they seem to stick. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from fixed, our marriage is far from fixed. There is a lot of work to do for myself, my marriage and my BS.
A sticking point has come with details of two of my affairs. I'll cover them separately as this will be a monster of a thread.
In the affair with a COW we spent 18 months in an emotional affair. I initially wanted more and pursued her as such. I got the impression that she was not interested in me sexually, although she was interested in me for flirting. She would constantly boost my ego and send suggestive messages, she and I occasionally made physical contact with, what I thought were subtle actions. Brushing arms or legs when sat next to one another. I was into her more than she was me. In hindsight she was clearly using me to help her progress through the company as I was more experienced than she was. I did not make a move on her and switched my attention to flirting and using my interactions with her to fuel a fantasy in my mind. I was rarely physical with BS for a number of years. During this time I was using pornography and scenarios in my mind as a method of getting my sexual needs. I was also looking at photos of another woman at work who posted pictures on FB and other social media of her in skimpy clothing.
I spent a lot of time working closely with COW and we grew close. She was struggling with her role and also with other members of the team. I was pretty much the only person who wanted to work with her (initially because I wanted to sleep with her) The relationship did grow into an emotional affair and a physical one (the physical nature being one way and in my head) We did not kiss, perform oral sex or have penetrative sex together. While I wanted this and worked on this initially, I pulled away from this until sometime close to d-day. At this time I planned again to try and have sex with her. An opportunity came up at a conference, we had a global finance meeting in the UK and we could if we wanted stay in the hotel we were having the conference at (this was only 10 miles from home). I suggested to her and other colleagues that we stay in the hotel and we could get to know some of the guys from the US and Europe. This would have been nice, but my intention was to try and get a few drinks in her and see if that would lower her inhibitions.
Fortunately BS found evidence of the emotional affair a few weeks before and I pulled out of the hotel stay.
The emotional affair consisted of:
Multiple flirtatious/suggestive emails
Test messages exchanged most days while at work and at home
Phone calls driving home
Discussions on work frustrations and applications for new jobs
Me reaching out to her rather than BW
Me opening up on feelings and frustrations in a way I did not with BW
She cried and came to me for support when she was having a hard time
She would call me gorgeous and be overly friendly with me
We would go for walks at lunch time and talk
I assisted her with her job at the detriment of mine
I would go into the office early to get my work done so I could spend time with her
The physical elements of he affair:
Brushing against one another
She would lean over me if she wanted to discuss something on screen
Me masturbating over her in my own fantasies
BS, understandably, thinks more happened. I'm struggling getting her to believe me.
I know that everything I have told her previously was lies, TT and gas lighting. I know I have nothing to back up this timeline. She is scared that in 10 years time I will either relapse or something will come to light that will shatter her world.
She continually tells me things don't make sense. Historically, if it did not made sense, then I'm was telling lies. This backed up with anger and defensiveness. Now were in a position where I've come clean on the level of my feeling for COW and how I would pleasure myself over her. I have acknowledged the full extent of my exit from the marriage and into this affair. People here on SI say if it does not make sense then it's a lie....and of course they're right, everything I have done in the past has been based on lies or half truths. I have come clean on everything that happened in this affair. I've shared the feelings I had for her and the total lack of respect I had for BS or our marriage.
I'm trying to show more emotional maturity and in recent events in my personal life I have shown BS I can show her emotion other than anger. I'm trying to be the man I want to be. I have led my whole life with a selfish mentality and have only recently come to realise the extent of this. Our MC has called me out on this on multiple occasions as has my contact on here.
I need help guys
[This message edited by Bulcy at 7:34 PM, Tuesday, December 7th]