SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I believe what happens when a spouse changes their personality after having A is that they have to cover up their guilt. They do this by riding the wave of sentiment pop-psychology has developed about "love yourself" "work on yourself" not fully comprehending what those sentiments actually mean. They take those concepts and turn them into "it's ok to be selfish regardless of the morality or who gets hurt". I see that in the ex's memes on FB, all this inspirational crap about "going for it" and stuff about leaving your past behind to make yourself happy, blah blah. It's all just a band-aid to hide the fact that she's morally bankrupt and hurt a hell of a lot of people.

WH actually used those words from the start.... “I need to choose me for once, I need to choose happiness for myself, I need to be selfish”

What the actual F! You have a family you have 4 beautiful amazing children. This is your life! Grow the F up! It’s not about you! It seems it has only become worse since then.....

He sees and speaks to our youngest (9), the others will not! They are in counselling...which he keeps harping is apparently “obviously not working because they haven’t reconciled with me “ SERIOUSLY!

I’m just still so baffled by all of it! I hate not knowing the why’s... the reality is I may never. I’m sad for myself but more sad for my kids. One of whom stated it well.... “ i have a father I just don’t have a dad anymore”. Break my heart ......

How can someone cause so much pain and not feel guilty, remorseful.......??????

the real narcs were so all along, you may only see it fully after they get caught. then you put the pieces together and see it all.

For me, that was the light bulb moment. I could see all along this was the issue. he was a covert narcissist so reading about it really helped. and then I wasnt sad. I was just woke.

My ex wife was always a narcissist. Self important, complete lack of accountability, no appreciation for any received gifts or favors (viewing people as sources to be mined), low emotional intelligence (almost cold sometimes), obsessed with others perceiving her as being "better" than them, recurring body image issues, triangulation extraordinaire, lies lies and more lies. These people are who they are from Day 1, you're just too in love or distracted or used to it to see it for what it is. My divorce happened almost 3 years ago and I can look back emotionlessly at the whole ordeal and the decade leading up to it, and she was that person the whole time. Maybe sometimes people act in similar ways to a narcissist when they get caught with their hand in the cookie jar, but the ones who go full bore into NPDland aren't just visiting.

I think the Narcissist term gets thrown around here a lot. You have to remember that lots of people have Narc tendencies, but to be truly diagnosed as a Narc or one of the other personality disorders requires a specialist that can monitor them over a period of several counseling sessions.

Narcs are well versed at lying and shielding their true inner selves so they are not easily identified. They don't let their mask slip often, especially in public. As a spouse, you will have seen and noticed their fraud. If you read through a lot of the stories on SI, I don't think most of the Waywards are for sure Narcs. Some definitely are, but a wife/husband would have probably have known this to be the case before coming here, unless they don't know about that type of disorder at all.

Narcs are really horrible people, not just during and after the affair exposure, they are horrible people immediately after you've been bonded with them. There is very good info on Quora about Narcs and the abuse they dole out. Many of the stories you hear on SI are husband/wives that are generally pretty good until they get caught in the A. Then they turn shitty, but I think that is a defensive reaction and they become complete CYA assholes. That's not the same as a NARC. NARCs are generally pretty shitty in their relationship, they torture, put down and constantly need supply from outside sources. I would tend to think that the serial cheaters we find on here, or the ones that have multiple affairs are more likely to be Narcs than the 1 time offenders.

I'm so sorry you're struggling through his behaviors. IMO, people don't just become this way...these are patterns that are there and formed way before adulthood. These patterns have ranges in how they show-up depending on the circumstances at hand. He's likely always been this way but because he was getting what he felt he needed before vs now it was disguised a bit better. Either way, you can build yourself to become stronger and intolerant of it with boundaries and healing of yourself. He may remain the same but his ability to have any power over you or your children doesn't have to. Once you are able to build yourself to a point where he can no longer get to you, you can teach your children to do the same.

((((Breakingapart))))

I think my kids are probably handling it better than I. Only my youngest sees him...although many times has been dropped off early or vacation despite a pandemic was more important....the older three don’t respond anymore. They have made boundaries for themselves....they are working with a counsellor. He keeps texting me that they need to change therapist because it’s obviously not working....funny how someone so seemingly intelligent is so f’ing stupid when it comes to everyday life. I only respond when I have to but I still find myself being sucker punched with his actions and words. It seems so incredibly I fathomable to me that he can function and live his new happy life when he has 3 children who will not communicate with him. Yet he has done no wrong!

I hate that his words are still so triggering to me. I honestly just want our separation agreement signed so I can stop responding and perhaps react to his stupidity. I’ve been holding it back for so long!!!!!! I know it prob wouldn’t help and will prob just be feeding him narc supply....but I am sick of being nice and rational!

I need karma to hit him and hard!!!!