SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How did you handle the divsion of furniture, goods after divorce?

As I mentioned I am finally moving from the marital home into a beautiful apartment a few miles away. I am leaving the house to XWH because he built the house with his own hands and it is located on his family's farm where I have lived peacefully among his relatives the past 25 years. Per the settlement we agreed I would live there until DD is graduated.

When he moved out three years ago to live with AP (he's still with her, by the way) we only divided up the big things -- he took the bed, a cabinet, and the truck.

Now that I am getting ready to move he texted he wanted to go through what I was taking with me and what was being left behind.

First, our marital settlement agreement (which he evidently never read but signed anyway) said essentially that whatever he didn't take with him to the new residence was mine. I don't intend to take any of his family heirlooms or anything that he made (he's a carpenter), but I know he's eyeing a few things that I purchased during our marriage, as well as some wedding gifts we received.

Second, I am pretty sure he's going to have a meltdown when I tell him this. He is a child and is capable of acting out in some way, like blocking the movers from taking things he decided he wants or yelling at DD. He's at the house a lot anyway to visit with DD and may see me packing up stuff and then throw a fit.

Should I just start quietly taking things or is it better to inform him that I plan to take what I want to take and it's within my rights to do so?

It's going to be weird knowing that AP will live in my house where they met and carried out their affair under my nose. Yes, it still hurts but I also know they are marked by shame for what they did and will never be accepted by his family or our friends no matter where they live.

Why is he using your home for his parenting time?

Put a stop to that, and most of your issues are resolved.

Barring that, you may want to pack up and move into storage the things he's most likely to take.

Have a copy of your decree handy for when he decides to have a meltdown.

Cat

A good starting place might be to list all the items, then objectively separate them into 2 lists...the things you will be taking with you, and the things that will be staying in the marital home. You have already made the decision to leave those items he made and the family heirlooms; and you may decide as you list everything out that there are other items that you won't have room for in your new residence, or that won't/don't fit your decorating vision for your new home. Lastly, by creating this list, you may determine that you are leaving more than you realize, and it may help to be able to demonstrate to him how much is actually staying there.

I'm not weighing in how how or whether to inform him of the specifics of what you will be taking with you, but as he has already texted you this exact question, a response focused on what you are leaving may help defuse the situation.

Personally, I would remove those items now that are most precious to me. Lastly, you settlement agreement trumps all, but you and your DD may still be subjected to his childish outbursts and lashing out.

I'm sorry you're going through this painful re-homing process now, and I hope you gain peace in your new home.

I'll second moving what you can out early. Even if it's to store in a relatives garage until your new place is available. Ideally you'll end up with just luggage the day of the move.

First, our marital settlement agreement (which he evidently never read but signed anyway) said essentially that whatever he didn't take with him to the new residence was mine.

This is all you need to keep in mind. I personally would get what you care about out of there now. Anything you leave behind is a gift to him and he has no right to ask you to what you are taking. In fact, if he gets uppity you could remind him his hand made items are yours now but you may be willing to leave them if he is a good boy.

In the immediate future, if you feel forced to respond "I haven't decided yet" is the best answer, since it is none of his business. He not only blew up your life but your home. If you start to waver keep in mine he deserves none of it and needs a reminder to thank his lucky stars you didn't fight for the house. All you are legally obligated to leave is an empty home in normal condition. You can remind him of this if he tries to strong arm you.

Good luck, you are almost there!

I would go to the Sheriffs office and ask them how to do an order of no trespass, or what they recommend.

Then have a delivery service deliver the no trespass order and a copy of the divorce property division to him, and a letter that states you will be leaving his family heirlooms there.

Also ask how to schedule a deputy to be there on your real moving day-which is like a week before you tell him you are moving.

Or (what really works for me) is I call my atty and have him call his atty who tells him to back the f*** off of the kids and me.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:48 AM, March 5th (Friday)]

When you leave the house for good, I would take photos of each room, and particularly what you are leaving for him. This way, he cannot accuse you of not leaving something. I wouldn't tell him this, BTW.

Cat

Lots of wisdom in this thread. You are almost free. How are you doing?

Just an update on this. What I predicted happened and he had a meltdown when he came into the house and asked what I was taking with me on the move. He then claimed I owed him 18k in alimony. He threatened me with his clown car of an attorney. I haven't paid him alimony in almost a year, which I am obliged to do until 2022. I have not for the following reasons:

I paid his state income tax debt in 2019.

I bought new appliances for the house I am leaving behind for him -- a refrigerator, dryer, oven.

He consented to my leaving him this things in lieu of alimony via email.

He hasn't paid any of DD's uninsured medical expenses.

He is living with AP, presumably rent-free, working a regular job and received a substantial settlement for a car accident he was in.

I figured at some point he'd ask for it and I would be willing to give him some money -- because I have been living in the marital home rent free since he left with AP. But it's a hovel and he's made no repairs or helped with upkeep the past five years. It's infested with mice, has cracked warped windows, a leaky roof and likely not up to code. Admittedly, I didn't handle the threats well and made threats of my own about exposing his request for alimony, which I would find emasculating. I also said he can no longer enter the house without several hours notice. I can't get out of here fast enough now.

It is unfortunate, but not unexpected, that this is getting so ugly. Time to get the Sheriff's office involved and have them present for any future face to face contact, if any must occur. Desperate people do desperate things, and the safety of you and your DD is the most important thing at stake here. Please keep us updated so we know you are safe.

He then claimed I owed him 18k in alimony. He threatened me with his clown car of an attorney. I haven't paid him alimony in almost a year, which I am obliged to do until 2022.

Tread very carefully here. If you are obligated to pay and you have not, he can take you to court for contempt.

I have not for the following reasons:

I paid his state income tax debt in 2019.

Did you agree to do this in lieu of paying alimony and did he agree. If you did not, the court may not see it that way.

I bought new appliances for the house I am leaving behind for him -- a refrigerator, dryer, oven.

The court is highly unlikely to see this as a valid reason to not pay alimony.

He consented to my leaving him this things in lieu of alimony via email.

May or may not hold water, especially if any of those items were covered in the marital separation agreement.

He hasn't paid any of DD's uninsured medical expenses.

Is he obligated to do so via your decree? How are these expenses to be split?

Bottom line: you may be in for a rude surprise because you have not followed the decree. I would be prepared for this--if it doesn't happen, great. If it does, you will definitely need to lawyer up.

Moving forward, I would stick with the decree to the letter and take HIM to court if he doesn't follow it. That's the only way to deal with a difficult personality. Trust me, I know.

Cat

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Brief update: I drafted an email to XWH detailing why I no longer will pay alimony once I move (I am only obliged to pay until 2022). My points include the following:

1 I paid for replacement of big ticket household appliances (which he was supposed to do but didn't).

2. He's not paying his share of DD's medical and education expenses as outlined in divorce settlement.

3. He won a huge insurance settlement from a car accident with AP and is flush with cash. He leaves unopened mail in my house and I saw he has nearly 40k in his checking.

4. He lives with AP for free in her condo.

5. My own expenses are going up because I am paying for DD's college in addition to rent.

Also mentioning that I am consulting with an attorney about applying for a modification due to a change of circumstances. I have an appointment with an attorney next month but not sure things will go that far. XWH has severe ADHD and poor executive functioning skills. He just can't organize himself to fight me and there's also some shame there (I also point out the moral argument of leaving me for another woman and then demanding money). We live in small town. People know.