SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this.

Last night we were watching TV, drinking wine, chatting, typical COVID Saturday night on a kid-free weekend, and he told me that he had been chatting back and forth for the past few days on Instagram with a woman he used to work with years ago. He said it was catching up on life, talking about cars (an interest they both have), nothing to do with relationships. She's married. He said he just thought about the fact that he had been trading messages with her for 3 or 4 days and started feeling like he was being sneaky and wanted to tell me, even though the messages were innocent. He tried to give me his phone to let me read them but I told him no, I don't want to read the messages and he shouldn't feel bad about catching up with an old co-worker. I have exchanged email or linkedin pleasantries back and forth with old co-workers I end up reconnecting with at my current job on several occasions and it's not a big deal.

It still made me feel some kind of way, though. With my ex who cheated, he never treated me well and I always knew things were off and wrong. BF treats me like a queen. I don't walk around constantly questioning myself or my perception of reality with him. So part of me thinks, gosh does he feel guilty because he has some secret little crush on this woman? Or is he just that honest? His best friend is a woman that he's known since they were little kids and I couldn't care less that they text or meet up for a drink occasionally (pre-COVID). So idk why this would be different. I don't want to overthink nothing into something.

Jana,

Unfortunately as BS we are conditioned to feel and think in a certain way. The triggers diminish but never disappear completely. I would have felt exactly the same as you did. I would have overthought it exactly as you did. Wondered why he would feel the need to tell me.

But, after a bit of wandering about in my head, I would have come to the only, inescapable conclusion. That it is precisely because he is aware and respectful of your past, and those triggers, that he told you.

He is a good one Jana

[This message edited by Karmafan at 1:35 AM, February 14th (Sunday)]

I think he had the best of intentions in telling you. That's exactly what honest people do. But I would ask how long the catching up will last?

As I look back on my internet catching up, red flags to me were not just the topics people would cover but also the continuation of contact they expected. It has sometimes made me uncomfortable, so I've simply stopped answering. Just sayin'. I honestly think your bf's intentions are totally honest, but you never know about hers. So the catching up should be over soon.

It's a good story. Your posts make me feel like the world makes sense, Jana.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:51 AM, February 14th (Sunday)]

Thank you guys! Your replies make me feel better.

A while back, a high school classmate of mine posted on FB that his wife cheated, he was getting divorced, etc. On the post, not in a private message, I expressed sympathy. So then dude slipped in my DMs. 🙄 Initially he was asking me for advice about lawyers, etc. THEN the "good morning" texts started. And I just stopped replying. He kept reaching out for a while. Finally he sent me some message asking how I was doing and I told him great, my boyfriend had just moved in. He hasn't reached out since. But I did tell BF about every part of this. I had forgotten all about this interaction til just now, but I remember the same not wanting to be sneaky feeling.

I also told him when I signed up for better help because I didn't want him to wonder who I was texting with.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:36 AM, February 14th (Sunday)]

With my ex who cheated, he never treated me well and I always knew things were off and wrong. BF treats me like a queen. I don't walk around constantly questioning myself or my perception of reality with him.

I could describe my current relationship the same way, expect the genders are flipped.

So part of me thinks, gosh does he feel guilty because he has some secret little crush on this woman? Or is he just that honest?

My GF will tell me, immediately, whenever she talks to a guy with whom she has some sort of history. Her explanation is that she never wants me to feel like she is ever going to cheat on me ever.

TBH, my GF acts like a remorseful wayward spouse a lot of the time. Meaning, she feels so bad about my past history of being the victim of infidelity that she does all of the things that you would want a remorseful wayward spouse to do.

It's a little jarring to be honest. My GF loves me so much that she would do anything to make me feel safe and happy. xWW loved me so little that she would do anything to prevent me from questioning her and what she is doing when I am not around.

((Jana)))

This guy is a keeper. Honestly this shows empathy and understanding of what you have been through and respect that he knows telling you is the right thing to do.

Don't overthink it. Now if he starts hiding his phone, or is on it constantly then alarm bells can go off, but everything you have shared about this man tells me he is just a decent guy.

Thank you guys so much. I was worried that I'd post this and you guys would immediately see a red flag I was missing. BF isn't perfect but he actively tries to be a good partner, which is so nice. Barcher, its wonderful that your GF is so loving and empathetic. I've had a guy who I saw a couple of times pre-BF put out feelers towards and it makes me feel creepy. I tell him immediately. His ex-wife started seeing her current boyfriend while they were separated BUT she was telling him she wanted to work towards reconciling, so I try to be sensitive to his past too.

He sounds great :)

I feel it's important to have friend's of the opposite gender. I have a lot of male friends that are just friends, nothing more. My boyfriend has a lot of female friends and we are both up front and honest about the interaction to make the other feel more secure (we've both been cheated on in our marriages).

It's nice to date someone with great boundaries :)

Twicefooled, I feel like the difference with BF versus my ex is that BF treats women like actual people. Ex would "befriend" hot women at the gym and then get indignant that I had an issue . . . . BF is friends with women who he is not trying to fuck. Ex had no long-term female friends.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 1:07 PM, February 15th (Monday)]

Jana, I really like this guy. As stated above, excellent boundaries and transparency. He did the right thing.