SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First, thank you very much for reading my story, and I feel very relieved that I have found this community.

I am posting in this forum because, as many here, I am feeling very stuck and I cannot move on.

Long story short: I am a married woman in my 30s, I’ve been 10 years with my husband, we don’t have any children at the moment. In February 2019, I met a man during a conference. He is married, 10 years my senior, in his 40s, has 4 kids. At the conference, we talked, after meeting he initiated contact via (professional) social media, asked me for my phone to discuss work and… we ended up having coffee which led to much more, very quickly. Although it might seem hypocritical and naïve: I did not plan to get involved in this affair. The presence of this man was a very powerful magnet, and I just felt completely inebriated by him and the whole situation.

Right from the start, I knew he was going to move very very far away at the end of 2019. His wife got a position abroad and they wanted a new start with the family. Both, this man and I, love our families and have never discussed leaving them. I love my husband, who is a wonderful man, supportive, and intelligent. He really doesn’t deserve this. From what I know, this man also loves his family and we have never complained about our ‘main’ lives.

The truth is: although everything started very unexpectedly and I was very reluctant, feeling guilty because of hiding this secret from my husband, my friends, my family… I ended up falling (completely) for this man. Did he fall for me the same way? I am not sure anymore. Although he always said how much he loved me, how we wanted to have my babies (!), what a pity it was that he didn’t meet me 10 years ago, I am starting to realize that he always steered everything towards sex. And he seemed surprisingly comfortable with being unfaithful to his wife, the way he initiated contact with me, etc, are probably red flags. At the same time, it felt so real, so intense, and romantic that I cannot believe I was his ‘hobby’ to escape from a stressful life. My feelings for him were (are?) very real. What was the meaning of all this if I am just another one on his list?

Our affair lasted from February 2019 until November 2019, when he relocated with his family. His departure, although long announced, broke my heart. It was very hard for me to be a fully functional person while feeling this enormous knot in my stomach. We still keep in touch via instant messaging: we had a lot of contact at the beginning but we barely text each other at the moment. He is always very afraid his family will check his phone and we only text when it is convenient for him. And when we speak, he only seems to be interested in ‘sexting’.

My problem is, despite all this, I cannot stop thinking of him. I think of this man every day, I daydream of our moments together, and I miss him immensely. I miss meeting him, when we used to talk, when we spent moments together. Although I know that it is for the best, it makes me sad that he moved away, and I am struggling to find the meaning of this experience. As a result of my own behaviour and mistakes, I am starting to feel more distant from my husband who, as I said, doesn’t deserve this. He is a wonderful life partner (probably, much better than this other man). However, I have spent so much time fantasizing about my affair partner that I don’t feel passion for him anymore. I barely feel passion for anything. It is as if all my passion is stuck in a box dedicated to my affair. As a result, I cannot make important life decisions at the moment, like becoming parents or moving to another city as we were planning to do.

How could I get out of this dark place? I know my decisions were poor, my behaviour shameful and I deserve all this pain I am experiencing now. Since this is a secret, I don’t have anybody to talk about this, so just writing it down helps me to feel better and put things in perspective. I appreciate your help and that you are reading my long story.

From what you've said, you're in a honeymoon period. You're allowed to have these feelings because your BH doesn't know you've been unfaithful. You're holding onto the fantasy of the affair even with blatant evidence that the AP wasn't as invested in you as you thought and he was basically in the A for sex. Even when you call later after the move, he doesn't give a shit about what's going on in your life or maintaining any sort of emotional connection, he just wants to sext. It seems to me you're focusing on something that was never there in the first place. That's a helluva thing to realize when the A ends. You'll eventually figure out the first person you lied to was yourself.

I was going to type out the next steps but I guess I'm trying to figure out why you're still with your husband? Why not leave and find "passion" or pursue the OM? You don't have children, you have a job, why are you there?

Hi there Beachbeachbeach,

Welcome to SI. I'm glad you found us. This place helped me so much and I hope it can help you too.

Like you I had very intense feelings for my AP. My situation was a little different because he was single but what is the same is that there came a point in my healing when I realized that what I thought was real, based on the intense feelings I had during the affair, wasn't. I think you are edging close to that place, where the evidence is pointing to a really unpleasant conclusion: The intensity of feelings is not a basis for their validity. That realization was followed by a terrible follow on conclusion: I had trashed my integrity and hurt and harmed my husband for something that wasn't real, special or "meant to be in another lifetime".

Right now you feel very isolated, I'm sure. You have this huge secret you're keeping from your BS and it necessarily places a barrier to connection with him. That isolation is also permitting you to keep the fantasy of the affair alive. I think what you probably want is for the affair never to have happened, but as that's impossible you're left only with choices that seem unpleasant and unworkable: You can go on hiding the affair and remain isolated and reliving the affair moments in your head or you can tell your husband what happened and deal with the fall out. The first choice leaves you unseen, unheard and disconnected. The second will take you through hell but on that path you will have a chance to rebuild your integrity and truly heal.

You mentioned a few times trying to figure out the meaning of the affair in the context of APs feelings (or lack of them) for you. I think what will ultimately be useful to your healing is to seek the meaning of your choice to have an affair in the first place. Digging down on the question of how and why hurting and harming your BS was an acceptable price for having the feelings you wanted in the moment. You're fearful of making big decisions about whether to have kids or to make a big move without being over your AP. It makes sense that you would be thinking that way but I am challenging you to think outside yourself for a moment and consider whether your BS would want to start a family were he aware of your betrayal. Even if you are able to "move on" from your AP, don't you think it should be his choice?

As painful and risky a path as it seems at the moment, the best choice is to come clean with your husband and then focus on identifying and fixing the broken thought processes that allowed you to betray him. Your marriage may or may not be salvageable, but you definitely are. The work is 1000% worth it.

I hope you stick around. Read, post and start educating yourself on the true nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved:

The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass was the first book I read and it helped me put the affair in context and gave me a framework and language to describe what I was experiencing.

The book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald concisely lays out a game plan for people who have confessed the affair and wish to increase their chances for reconciliation after disclosure.

I would start with those.

Proceed with conviction and valor. Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

I would say that the first thing you need to do - before anything else - is cut that guy from your life completely. No messages. No contact. Nothing.

Step two would be stop lying to yourself and your husband. There's no healing without honesty. And you need to be honest.

And finally. Don't try to understand his whys. Figure out yours. It doesn't matter if he used you as a "side dish" or whether he made-believe that he loves you. The only thing that should matter is for you to figure out why you chose to have an affair. To lie to your husband. Willing to hurt the person that should be your most intimate friend and partner.

Find someone to talk to. It's not easy figuring out any of this by yourself. A good therapist will give you the tools to become a better person.

And it's going to take a while for the emotional addiction to fade. Took me months to stop "pining" like an idiot. But like with any addiction, don't let the withdrawal symptoms control you.

I know my decisions were poor, my behaviour shameful and I deserve all this pain I am experiencing now

You deserve to be happy. Most people do. You'll find that genuine happiness comes from living honestly and being the best version of yourself that you can be. Not promising it's going to be easy. But it's the only way to be actually truly happy.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 3:23 PM, January 28th (Thursday)]

Hi Beachbeachbeach,

My advice may well differ a lot from what other people tell you here.

Firstly, I do not think telling your husband is a good idea. I am a WS also and my therapist agreed that all it was doing was offloading my own guilt and putting suffering onto my BW.

Others here seem to think that bringing the affair into the light would take away its power. Possibly, but you may also totally end your marriage when you may be able to work through this and save your husband a lot of hurt.

But others seem to have benefitted from just telling the truth. I guess do what feels right to you and what is right for your situation.

I think if you do want to get over the AP, your one and only choice is to go NC and stick to it. The AP attachment is actually basically a drug addiction. You are chasing the dopamine fix they bring, not the actual person.

The affair was powerful because, well, how could it not be? A person who you can only have fleeting moments with. So every moment is illicit and stolen and brief. Knowing it is forbidden and wrong drives the passion. So when you kiss, touch, make love, it is far more intense than anything else. Knowing it is in short supply brings it more value. Knowing you do not have them completely nor they you creates a fantasy world where you are lovers torn apart by circumstance. If only. If only you could be together it would be the greatest love story ever told.

Until you are 5-6 years down the line. He's in sweatpants and burping over a beer and you are asking what he wants to watch on cable. And I guarantee, in those moments, you know who you will think of? Your husband. 'We had it so good.' 'He truly loved me.' 'I miss what we had' etc

The affair is how it makes us FEEL. Sexy, alive, desired, wanted, funny, valued, listened to, seen, heard, validated. Did I also mention sexy!

Who would not want to feel like that? But it is not sustainable long-term. Limerence has a shelf-life or we would all be crazy.

What you will have with your husband is security and stability and love. The passion, I guess you need work on together. Maybe communicate what you want in bed, want to try. Ask him what he wants - see if it rekindles some feelings there.

The AP will not leave his wife for you. This seems clear from yr message. If it was true love and the circumstances were different (he was miserable, wanted to leave, was ready to, needed the go ahead from you to make a life together), I might suggest you take a long long think about who and what you want and go from there.

In this case, it seems to be all sex based for him. This will mean you will get hurt if you pursue and want more from him.

Try and work out what led you to stray. Attention? To be desired? Sex with someone new? Feeling unheard or unappreciated from husband? What it another guy gave you this? Would you actually still want AP as much? If not, then you can see it is not about HIM, but about you and fulfilling some need within yourself.

Work out what it was that made you take the risk and then work on fixing that gap in your life but not with a person. With something within you.

And go NC with AP. Block them. Delete messages. Get rid of memories. Do not look on social media. And stick to it. Be strict with yourself.

If you find yrself thinking of him, and you will, think of something weird or random to distract you straight away - and keep training yr brain to not allow it to think of them or create some perfect image of them.

I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me on here. It is hard. You will make it. Give it time. Go NC.

[This message edited by Comesinwaves at 11:55 AM, January 29th (Friday)]

Welcome Beach,

I know you have created a tough situation here. And while it is self inflicted pain, it doesn't negate it.

EvolvingSoul has already given you great advice. Please read that over 100x if need be.

How do you feel about confessing to your BH? Where do you stand on that taking that action or inaction?

I can almost guarantee that you weren't your APs first affair. From the way you described him I'd say you won't be his last either. And thats the reality of affairs, they use us, we use them. Somehow we are able to convince ourselves that it is special, that we are in love, so its not really a great feeling when the truth comes down on us. I'm so sorry that you allowed yourself to be used, that your self worth didn't come to your defense and stop this from folding out the way it did.

I mean I was in the same boat. So I really can relate. As you see with the AP now all he wants is a sexting relationship, he didn't love you. Its a hard pill to swallow when one is still deep in it, as you are.

Go NC. Completely rid this guy from your life. With some distance you will gain more clarity.

Get tested for STDs. You may feel like it was safe (he was safe) or used protection, but condoms are not fool proof. You could have been exposed with certain acts regardless. And they don't protect you from everything. Or you could have chosen not to use them which you will need a test even more so!

If you're not set on telling your BH yet.. please at least refrain from sex until you are tested. And if you have already exposed him even more the reason to go see your doctor.

I think the more honest you are with yourself the better you will see what your affair was. Sometimes it takes time so stick around even when you don't like the advice. No one shows up here prepared to understand. So I'm glad you found us here because I can't think of a better place and sounding board than SI to help you out.

And one last thing because you are going to hear it a lot. You're going get tons of voices explaining why its the right thing to confess to your BH. You may not be ready yet, and so its going to come off feeling like an attack at times.

Even though I was confronted I will always be in the confess camp because I learned by reading the stories from our BS here exactly what it took away from them. That's not something I would wish on anyone. But also, understanding the importance of how honesty equally supports and benefits myself.

When I first landed here I honestly had no clue how to go about this. I remember very clear and loud instructions to not trickle truth. But see, I had a secret too. My BH didn't know about two more affairs. I wasn't planning on telling him or SI for that matter. It didn't take me long to understand why honesty was right for the both of us. How was I to ever truly heal and actually find meaning with such a muddied version of myself? You know?

So, just some things to think about .

First, I would like to thank you all for your thoughtful advice. Since I posted the message here, I started breathing deeper, like some kind of relief in my chest. I know it is all my fault, but I have been struggling with this situation for longer than one year and, finally, finding a place to vent and talk about it feels absolutely relieving. I tend to rely a lot on my friends and family and these months have been very tough for me without having the possibility of sharing with them what has been going on, what is still going on in my life. I wish it was not taboo and I could just scream and tell them everything that happened. I am excellent at keeping a straight face but, I guess, that makes it even harder. At this moment, you have really brought very interesting and good perspectives to my life and I am extremely grateful to all of you for this.

@Buck: You couldn’t have said it better, I am probably focusing on something that never happened in the first place and, it is really hard to realize that I betrayed my husband and transformed myself (in many ways) because of somebody who was only interested in having a physical affair (despite his big, intense words). I could go into a lot of detail but, as you said… I hold onto the fantasy. Why? I don’t know. I am still with my husband because I love him. I know I have an unrealistic expectations of relationships. I, somehow, expect that love should always come with big fireworks, parades, and wonderful experiences but love is something else. And I know that my husband and I have that. No, we don’t have children, we both have good jobs so, we are together without having any obligation together apart from a mortgage. Talking to friends about relationships (not affairs), I’ve always heard that marriage is about cultivating a beautiful relationship that doesn’t involve necessarily strong emotions. On the contrary, it requires support, enjoying moments together, having beautiful projects together. I have that with my husband. I once felt that passion for him. I love him a lot but it has been a while since I don’t feel the passion I felt (feel) for my AP with him. Why? I am trying to figure it out. He does feel that passion for me though since we talk about it openly and my husband realizes I am disconnected and he is definitely not. In any case, my husband and I are great together: we enjoyed travelling and moments together, we are on the same page about many things, and we share friends and family. It should just be perfect. Why isn’t it?

@EvolvingSoul: Thank you so much for your advice and wise words. Yes, you are so right. I feel so isolated and it is so hard to feel this way. I’ve been in this position for 2 years already (I met this man 2 years ago, how is that possible?!) and the feeling has always been there. The thing is: I am not sure if I would want the affair to never have happened. It also showed me beautiful and intense parts of myself that I didn’t know. One of the challenges is to let go those aspects of me that I actually enjoyed. It felt so free, liberating, transgressive. And this man, although probably only interested in making me his ‘hobby’, has taught me a lot of nice things about the world: to me, he was brave because of this job and having 4 children, he had a desire for adventure (like me) that was in standby for multiple reasons. He once told me “you give me feelings back”. I feel the same about him. Regarding my decisions about my husband and whether or not I should tell him: I completely agree that I should carefully reflect on whether or not he would like to have children with me despite my actions. He has the right to know. A part of me thinks he would accept it, since I have been “warning” him about this possibility for a while due to some unmet needs from my side: talking about things other than how our days went, connecting at a deeper level etc. He seems satisfied with very little whereas I (according to him) require much more from life. I don’t want to criticize my husband (he was not the reason for the affair at all) but it might also be good for me to think about my relationship with him. Thanks for the book recommendations, I will definitely read them. So kind of you to recommend them.

@ForgettableDad: I know I need to cut that guy from my life completely. I have tried. He lives, literally on the other side of the world. It should be very easy to never hear from him again. I will fight my feelings of wanting him to send me a message. I know I shouldn’t try to understand his whys. I am very stuck there. However, how couldn’t I be when he proposed me to have children together, when he suggested to elope, when he said he loved me one thousand times? It is true than his words and actions were always a bit unsynchronized. For example, when he got the news that they were finally going to move abroad (somewhere in July 2019), the shared the news with me and he went on a city trip with his wife. I was having a tough time, and I tried to talk to him. He received too many messages from me so he decided to block me. When he came back, he said that he tried to protect us, but I truly went through a really hard time trying to digest the news without getting his support. I don’t want to victimize myself since I understand that, if his wife or my husband knew, this would be much worse for them, but I need to share things that happened to me to (as I said in my previous letter) put things in perspective. This does feel like an addiction. It feels like I cant stop it. I am quite a rational person but his presence is too powerful for me to neglect. Your words, Forgettabledad, also brought tears to my eyes. I must admit that I have spent so many months blaming myself, telling me that I deserve this pain that, when you said ‘I deserve to be happy’ I burst to tears. I will reflect on your advice and try to apply it so I can be happy again. I have a mask for so long towards the world that I think I have become a different person. Did that happen to you too?

@Comesinwaves: Thanks for your advice. I am also considering that not telling my husband might be the best course of action since he already told me, some time ago, that he would prefer not to know. However, I completely agree with everybody in this forum that putting the affair out there will give me my honesty back, and reduce the transgressive power this affair has. Yes, I can totally relate with your description of the affair: from beginning to end. In a way (crazy), I feel those were the best moments of my life. I felt and breathed every minute of it. The anticipation of meeting him, the encounters, how we laughed and talked, how we shared dreams and our stories from the past, how we confessed secrets. It was all wrong but so right at the same time. I loved (love?) him so much. We saw each other every week for 9 months. My sadness comes now from realizing that I might have been experiencing those moments alone. I sacrificed a lot of values and the person ‘I used to be’ for something that might not have been as real or meaningful as I thought it was. When I try to ask him about his current work, his new dog, anything (as I said in m previous message), he only responds when it is convenient for him, or he tries to sext right away. Sometimes, I try to justify his actions by thinking that he is also trying to cope with the emotions, but I am afraid I am lying to myself. I will try to start no contact with him. Should I warn him about it or just go for it? I tried it in the past without warning him but I always ended up receiving a message from his side that made me relapse. Thanks for offering that I send you a PM. I really appreciate it. I was trying to figure out how to send PMs in this forum but I cant find it, how does that work?

@foreverlabeled: Yes, I have created such a tough situation for myself. I used to be somebody who would feel above good and evil, and… here I am. Thank you so much for your message. I convinced myself it was special, and I still try to do so to find meaning to it. What was the whole point of this? Did you find meaning to it? As I mentioned above, I am going to try to go NC so I can heal. I feel I am very emotionally damaged after this messy situation I got in. I never expected it would go this way. Regarding the STDs, thank you so much for your advice. Fortunately, we were always very careful (thanks to me, I must say) so everything is fine. I went to the doctor for a general check up (including STDs) 6 months ago and I am 100% healthy. At least that is something I don’t need to care about (luckily!). I am definitely going to stick around because I learn from the different perspectives. It is, in many ways, relieving to expose this situation to the world and see what others think about it. As I mentioned earlier, I would love to do that with my friends but, it is forbidden, so… I think this is an excellent platform for which I am incredibly grateful. What made you change your mind from not wanting to telling your BH about your AP to finally admitting it?

I would like to thank you all for your responses and for being there for me. It means a lot to me. Thank you so much for being there.

[This message edited by Beachbeachbeach at 6:26 PM, January 29th (Friday)]

@Beachbeachbeach,

Welcome to SI, you've received some excellent advice so far, and it is good that you are taking it to heart. It is also good that you are open to suggestions, even when they are scary and uncomfortable. And trust me, everyone here, no matter their story, knows those two feelings.

The thing about not confessing is that it removes the choice and the dignity of your spouse, and from yourself. You have all the facts, he does not. Yet, you are making choices and decisions for him right now, this very moment, based on your own needs and your interpretation of his needs. You are stealing his agency, and even though the affair may be "over" (and even that isn't 100% true right now) you still carry the lie of omission every single day. You lay next to him at night, and he loves you, trusts you, believes you have his back and his best interests at heart. If he did know these things were not true, he may not be okay with that. He still thinks you were somewhere else, doing something else, when you were with your AP. He is living a lie, and you are actively making sure he continues to live that lie. That is not love, it not compassion, and let's be honest, that isn't "saving him pain", that's saving you pain. It isn't humane. You are being more honest with us, a bunch of strangers, than you are with the man you swore to love and honor and protect. He is robbed of the most basic rights a human has - to make his own choices and decisions about who and what he wants in his life.

(OH, and he might have once said, "I don't want to know", but then again, you once said you would love him and be faithful. Sometimes what we once said when not in the midst of betrayal can change.)

Now, a lot of what I just said may feel very "Attacky" right now, and I apologize for that harshness. Please know that it is not my intention to attack you in any way. The very nature of infidelity is harsh. I am a WS too, and a really, really shitty one at that, and caused my spouse, and my kids, SO MUCH MORE PAIN than necessary because I couldn't see past my own fear and pain enough to see and feel theirs, or to honor the dignity they deserved from me. In the end, while the affair was a horrible thing, the lies and the betrayal were the worst things for her. She now is forced to look back on everything, not just during the affair, but our whole marriage, and wonder what was a lie, and how else was I betraying her in life? She felt kicked the curb, used, played for a fool, and do you know why she felt that way? Because that's exactly how I treated her.

The reason I'm being so direct and harsh, is because I want the message to get through. I needed folks to be this honest and assertive with me when I was new here, and even then, I didn't "get it" for a long time. I was once in the "It's my shame, not hers, why make her carry this burden yada yada yada" camp as well. Now, in the aftermath of everything, I realize how very much that was still self-protection on my part. All affairs start with justifications and excuses for what we know is wrong, but we turn things on their head until they fit the story we want. That's how the affair happened in the first place. And now, it is how it is covered up.

End soapbox on confession. :)

Regarding the AP, this too is something that needs to be examined. As you said, he is married, to a woman he loves, with kids, and yet seemed awfully comfortable with having an affair with you, and is still comfortable with asking you for sexts. What part of that sounds like someone you should be unable to start dreaming about, or want to marry or have kids with? He doesn't love you, he certainly doesn't respect you, and he is making it very clear what he wants from you. It isn't love. He just wants to see your tits. Is this a prince? Is this someone worth throwing away a marriage over? Is this someone worth throwing your dignity away over? You deserve better. Your husband deserves better. His wife and kids deserve better. He's handsome, charming, scum. Don't lower yourself to match his value. Rise above. As you said, even saying the truth here, offers some relief. I know you might not think so at the moment, but when the affair is disclosed and dealt with, the weight of it all drops. It honestly feels like a ball and chain were removed.

The way you get over your AP, and the way you attempt to fix your marriage, are the same. You need to figure out what the heck it is you really want, and why. The AP still fills some sort of need for you. Maybe he represents an escape for you, or maybe he makes you feel special or attractive? Maybe there is something about you that feels you aren't deserving of your husband's love for some reason, and the love of a cheater is more in line with your self-worth? (That was one of my big reasons). Whatever it is, it is unhealthy, so figure it out and deal with it, for everyone's sake and well being.

I am going into year 5 of R with my wife now. As difficult as it was at the time, I am thankful for the people who steered me in the direction of becoming a better person and of taking accountability for my actions. Working through R together can be a boon to both spouses. She has the whole truth now, all of it, and she makes her own decisions about what she is willing to accept in her life, and what not, and why. I no longer carry the burden of the big lie, and the self-respect I have gained through this process is enormous. I will never be proud of what I did, and cannot forgive myself for the permanent damage I caused. But being accountable for my deeds makes it easier. I know that today, I am a safer person for my spouse to be around, for my kids to be around, for anyone really, if for no other reason than now I have healthy boundaries, self-respect, and empathy that did not exist during the affair. I do not live in fear of being found out, she does not live a lie. It has given us the opportunity to know ourselves and each other better, and in that, we actually have a stronger relationship, because it is based on vulnerability, authenticity and truth.

As others have said, first, end the relationship, permanently, and under no uncertain terms. Then, tell your spouse everything, no "trickle truth", just lay it all out as best you can. Give him any emails, sext photos, texts, whatever you have. Throw yourself under the bus. There is no "good time" to do this, it just has to be done. He may leave or kick you out, this is a possibility, so be prepared for it. Hopefully however, if you take accountability for your actions, and recognize his pain, and are willing to sacrifice anything to save the marriage, maybe you'll be surprised. This might be the end. Then again, it could be a new beginning. Don't cheat either one of yourselves of that possibility. We cannot be accountable or become safer, more honest people while continuing to lie and manipulate things to our own ends and desires. Good luck to you both, and please, keep coming back. There is so much experience and wisdom here, from people that have walked in your shoes, and walked the path that yet lies ahead.

I'm sorry you're in this painful space. Many of us have been through it, the realization that the AP was lying about their motivations. It's hypocritical as hell that we can't believe we were deceived and manipulated while simultaneously deceiving and manipulating our spouses, but wayward brains have many flawed thought processes.

On that note, I need to add my voice to those who beg you to tell your husband the truth. In particular, please, please do not have children with him without letting him know about the affair. He may forgive you, he may not, but it is his right to make that choice. Do you really want to have a baby with someone who would run the other way if he knew your authentic self? How would you feel if you had left your husband for AP, had his baby... and then found out that he was a manipulative liar? Imagine if you believed you could trust him and only learned you couldn't after you were permanently tied together by your child. That's the risk you're unilaterally taking for your husband. You're not being kind to yourself, either, because it will always be in the back of your mind that you have a secret that could blow up your marriage. The lies will be a chain around your neck long after AP vanishes in the rear view mirror. I'm telling you from experience, you have no idea how much the weight of it grows over time.

@DaddyDom: Thank you so much for your advice. Your words do not come across as harsh at all. I appreciate your directness and honesty. I need a good dose of reality. The prospect of telling my husband is indeed very scary, but I can only agree with your reflections on how keeping this secret is removing his choice and agency. I have been so lost that I have taken my husband for granted. At times, I feel I have started to live on autopilot, a very self-centered autopilot. As you said: “I cannot see past my own fear and pain”. The reason why I got involved in the affair… I don’t know. Before this story happened, it never crossed my mind to be involved with someone and, even if I had a similar situation back then, I managed not to fall for it. It was just this time that the perfect storm hit me out of nowhere. At first, I had thought that this happened because I love my AP, and it was real. Of course, I had to justify it (including my own horrible actions). But my own story and your reactions confirm that this was a fantasy in my head. He might have his reasons, his agenda, but I am starting to understand that it is his problem, and his own decisions. And that, by fantasizing about him, and dreaming how perfect everything was not only I am hurting a lot of people (my husband, his wife, his children) but also losing my dignity. I need to know what I want and why, but I don’t know how to get started. Regarding the stopping all contact with my AP, should I warn him about it or just, directly, stop?

@BraveSirRobin: Thank you so much for your advice and for taking the time to share your thoughts on this. I couldn’t agree more: it is very hypocritical. I was thinking the same while posting my messages. It is so selfish to feel deceived while that’s what I’ve been doing for many months already. And I’ve been lying not only to my husband, but also to all the people who care about me (and my husband) and don’t know the truth. Thanks for also adding your voice about the decision of having children. I do realize that I’ve been very blocked to make that decision and it is surely caused by this mess. I am not sure about how to find the courage and tell him, but I will keep your words very present and try my best to bring honesty to the surface.

Thank you for your support and honest opinion. I appreciate it a lot.

Hi Beachie. Can I call you Beachie? :-P

my withdrawal survival guide will really help you. Someone kindly bumped it. Take what you can from it. peace.

Dupe post

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 5:35 PM, February 1st (Monday)]

Regarding the stopping all contact with my AP, should I warn him about it or just, directly, stop?

Warn your husband? Or your AP?

You don't need to warn the AP. And please take my advice (I did this the wrong way, and it made things much worse) and keep your NC letter short, simple, and clear. No apologies or emotions or well-wishes. e.g.

AP Name,

Our relationship is over, now and forever. I have made the decision to work on my marriage and will be putting my full efforts into that. I suggest you do the same.

Do not ever again attempt to contact me or my family in any way. I will be blocking you on all social media. If you attempt to contact me, I will tell my husband immediately, and if necessary, will take legal action against you, and I will make sure your wife gets copies of all texts and photos we exchanged. This is not an idle threat.

It's over. Go away. Stay away.

-Beach

That's all it takes really.

Regarding telling your husband before sending the NC, well, there is no good/right answer. I just asked my wife which she would prefer, she struggled with that question too. She said it is a shit-show either way, and suggested that you be prepared for anything really. I suggest you run through a few options in your head first. (If things go south, can you stay with a friend? Can you afford a hotel? Do you have a car? Can you pack an overnight bag quickly? Have some cash or credit cards?)

If you NC first, that at least shows that you made the decision, and the effort, to end the affair, before even telling him, and with the full knowledge that he might end the marriage right there. In other words, he won't get the impression that you were waiting to NC until you saw his reaction to the news. That usually isn't received so well.

The flip side of course is that telling him first gives him a chance to read the NC letter and "approve it" before being sent. There is some merit in that as well.

If I had to pick one, I'd send the NC first. Just do it right so that there is no ambiguity.

It's a tangle of emotions. A "relationship" with your affair partner is a lie. But the emotions themselves, I'm not so sure. I could easily conjure up (and indeed I did) many what-ifs - regarding meeting my AP sooner and getting married to her rather than my wife. I think for both of us there was a genuine core of finding a connection and a whole lot of running away from what we perceived as a bad situation (her with her husband, me with my wife). But we don't live in the what-ifs. We live in the now. And now, we were both broken and needed to heal. And not with each other.

It took me time - a lot of time - to completely withdraw emotionally from my affair. Had to knuckle-down on it and push through. Going to IC helped me find the tools to identify why I chose to let her into a place that should have been reserved only for my wife. Helped me understand why I chose to remove my wife from that place. And in the end I found with IC the tools to create a new place for myself and my wife. A place that is, again, just ours.

Also, I want to point out that I only speak for myself on this website.

For myself, removing contact with my AP was essential for my healing. In the process of untangling myself my wife and I separated for some weeks (on my request) so we both had space to heal individually before coming to heal together. For myself, being completely honest and fully transparent was also essential for my healing. Note that I rarely speak of doing things because I think my wife needs them. I know she does. I know that without these actions she would have no reason to stay married to me. But I do them because I want to be that person. I want to be honest. I want to be a father in my way and not in my father's. I want to support my wife as a husband should. All of this is a hard ongoing process full of pain (and full of joy too). But that's life for you...

There's no guarantee that your marriage will have a happy ending if you tell your husband. But the other option is being a liar. You're the only one who can make that call.

****

In the end, if I did want to give advice..?

Cut all contact with your AP. It doesn't matter what could have been. It only matters what is.

Tell your husband.

Find a good therapist.

And make sure you know whether the actions you takes are taken because that's the person you want to be or whether it's because of the person you think you can't escape being.

And good luck. I really hope things will work out..

Hello again Beach.

To answer one of your questions,

What made you change your mind from not wanting to telling your BH about your AP to finally admitting it?

Well, I have to admit I didn't fully understand why this was a must. It was only after receiving the advice to do so from our SI members that I even considered it. If there was one thing leading my actions, it was my want to go about it the right way.

To use the word fear seems like an understatement. I remember sitting at my kitchen table and BH was back in the bedroom. I could hardly sit still. I found myself pacing the floor in circles. So many thoughts were racing through my head I couldn't keep up.

My anxiety was insane, off the charts. I could hear my heartbeat and everything was a blur. I was going back and forth talking myself in and out of the truth. Because in my heart of hearts I knew that would be the end of my marriage.

BH walks around the corner after what felt like a lifetime and I remember looking at him, knowing that he deserves the truth, even if that means he doesn't want to continue. I whispered to myself "fuck it" and blurted out "there's more".

So, no its not easy. But the right thing in tough situations never seem to be. And again, my desire from day one was to do this the right way, while there may be a few paths to get you to that place they ALL involve honesty. There's really no way around that.

In my case, it was kinda like once you know something you can unlearn it. Once I knew what I was robbing BH of it was hard to compartimentalize that, especially seeing how hurt he already was. Don't let anyone convince you confessing is selfish, its actually the complete opposite. Its the most selfless thing you can do.

I feel confident saying that had I not chosen that path, my mental health and well-being would look a lot different today, it would be trash. Honesty benefits you too.

I feel like this is getting long but I want to touch on one other thing. DaddyDom has already given great advice concerning NC.

I am going to try to go NC

but this, Beach.. there is NO try. You do it. And you stick to it. I'm sure you will feel extreme discomfort from time to time as you withdraw, it might feel like your heart is breaking. But, I promise you one day you'll look back and see it for what it was. And you'll understand it wasn't the AP breaking your heart, you'll know you broke your own heart. Everything you might experience committing to NC, all the shit feelings, they come from the things you told yourself and convinced yourself to believe.

Now with that said, just a little more and I'll wrap this up. I botched my NC, I did many things wrong myself. I allowed NC to be broken when he reached out with a new email address. In fact it took me 3 attempts. The first one I did on my own on dday, but it was more like, I'm busted, I can't talk, AP asked me to keep him updated and I said no, but in the back of my mind I figured I'd reach out at some point, but I decided after witnessing the carnage and at the request of BH and advice here to block him everywhere. 2-3 days went by, AP reached my email with a new address, I wrote back with a very emotional message but still that it was over and not to contact me. BH didn't appreciate the emotional aspect. I understood. We did it again together and that was that.

So, make it clear to your AP, be very direct, DaddyDom gave you a pretty good script. Use it. And no matter how much you want to insert your own emotions into it, both good or bad, just refrain from it. And let this part be done.

If you should ever start to waver, come here and we will talk some sense into you