How could you? How could you do this? What were you thinking? You damn liar, you cheat! What possessed you to be so selfish, to be such a selfish whore? You are a lying, cheating whore. A worthless piece of sh*t. You are trash. Why are you the way you are? Why are you so broken, so scarred, so ugly, so dark of heart? And so damn selfishness. You lied. Over and over. For your own selfish reasons. You let everyone down, everyone. You put your family at risk, your children, your husband. What in the hell were you thinking? You are not the person I thought you were. You gave away your self respect, your integrity, your values. You trashed your morals. You were defensive, cold, critical, calculating, manipulative. You thought you were so good, better than others who didn’t know any better. In reality, you’re worthless. You made this bed, you were more than happy to roll in it before, so now lay down in it. Wrap yourself in the thorns, pull them tight until they pierce your flesh, rip at your open wounds, digging deeper until you maybe feel an inkling of the pain you have caused. You deserve it. Now stop being shameful, it’s selfish. You’re STILL being selfish, it’s not about you. It’s not about you ever again. Stop crying, get your act together and stop being so selfish. Shame is selfishness and that’s all you’ve been this whole damn time. Stop it and get your act together…
And on and on, until every tear has been shed, my entire body aches, my head is throbbing, my eyes are puffy, I am physically weak and can do nothing but lay in bed, curled up and aching inside. Knowing damn well this self hate isn’t helping anything. Knowing my shame is just selfish and I need to stop it. Knowing it isn’t about me, but about his healing. It has to be all about him from now on. The coldness chills my spine, as I try to shake off the hate, the name calling, the pain. It’s not about me anymore, ever again.
No lies, no secrets, no tears, no shame. Own your part, take full responsibility, even through his flooding, even through inaccuracies and false statements. Through detailed recounts of all your indiscretions, Take it, take all of it. And come closer for more. Don’t shy away from his pain, from his hurt. Come close and take it all in, bow your head in humility, reach out a supportive hand and take it.
… If this is how you feel at times, please reach out. Yes, you are the unfaithful. You sinned, you betrayed. But you are now acknowledging your wrongdoing, you are making amends. You are learning how and why you were able to do those things and steps to take to ensure they never happen again. You are not a bad person. You did bad things. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Seek support. You need to get these emotions and thoughts out of your mind in a healthy way. Don’t drown in your shame. Please please reach out your hand for help. Do the excruciating work you need to do to make amends. But don’t lose yourself again in the process. You are worthy.
