i have been married more than 40 years. By some definitions looking back I don’t think he was ever my definition of faithful. At that time it was escalating porn levels, then 20 years ago when our children became teens and his parents died it was massages with happy endings.
10+ years ago one of the massage workers about the age of our daughter offered full services. She was in a committed female relationship but wanted a man on the side. Her partner was aware of this arrangement and all were aware I was in the dark. At that time one of my parents was dying. He said they got it on a lot at first.. he just wanted sex. I was also very career focused and we had teens at home5 years later my other parent died. That was 7 years ago . I had been to the doctor in the meantime and thought I had the pain solved. In the past 7plus years he had health issues and turned his back on my feeble attempts saying he was in pain.
Just over a year ago I saw a hotel receipt for a weekend I was away and called him on it. I wanted us to get back in track.. there was some snuggling, but that’s it.. lots of excuses, he’s the alpha, I’m pressuring.
A few months ago I was away for another weekend and he was with her again. I was watching now. he said it was to say goodbye as it had been a long time and is over. All contact has been removed..it’s over. That is when he gave me access to all this financial info, his phone, and told me these details. I asked why he stopped.. he said it was going to cost him his marriage.
Recently, He gave me access to the credit card used and I can see nice restaurants and expensive king bed with jacuzzi hotel rooms 3 or so times a year reducing down to twice a year. I can’t see before 7 years, but that’s the pattern in that time.
I felt he had not been treating me well for quite a while..he said it wasn’t intentional. I could go on, but no effort or thought towards me for a long time. Eg Taking me to a restaurant is a roadhouse when I don’t want to cook and him scrolling his phone through dinner. I’m sure he behaved like that with her at the fine dining establishment.
I dragged him to a counselling.. he didn’t behave well. he had forgotten the appointment and was surprised when it was time to go. I continue counselling occasionally alone just to have someone to talk to. I do think there is very very bad behaviour here but he is starting to help around the house more.. being more thoughtful..he said if he didn’t care he would have left, there is lots of holding and snuggling at night. Something I’ve said I need.
Sex is an issue still but more on his side now. We tried.. and taken a break. It wasn’t good. I’ve told him I don’t like being treated like a massage worker only here to please him with no intimacy and no touching. With No warmup, I’m not gonna be warm. He struggles with performance. He can’t seem to touch me. He said it didn’t always work with her either.
We are planning a trip soon, he’s hoping that he can put this past behind him then.
I am planning to be patient for a year.. treating it like a new relationship, rebuilding. He said if things are still rough he will join me in counselling after the vacation.
there is a lot of good in our relationship, and he says it’s more than our financial situation social life and and respectable image, he cares, but he still needs to step up more I think.. and I am more focused on us, eg weekly date days, but so far they are my initiatives.
Communication continues to be an issue. I am insisting on weekly chats about us.. I’ve read it needs to be corralled. I know he’s not keen but listening and making minor comments. He thinks this is all I think about. Often it is… there are many triggers.
I have not seen much of this type of betrayal out there til this forum. Can it really be so transactional? For so long? Does that matter? He said one day, can’t he care for more than one person at a time? I said he can but can’t act on it. I now think it was the wrong answer as you shouldn’t allow yourself to get there..
why didn’t we talk and make changes instead of all this pain and damage. I told him I doubt I’ll ever blindly trust again. He said I never should do that with anyone.
Dont get me wrong, I love lots of parts of our life together, and the recent changes are great, but that last so called goodbye repeat is very challenging., it felt like a slap. weirdly more than the 20+ years of cheating before.. but that’s todays feeling. Some days the whole thing is overwhelming.
Is the hope for us or am I delusional?
Is this the right forum?
it started this way but continued for more than 10 years. Certainly they had to become at least caring friends.
[This message edited by BBlost at 8:14 PM, Saturday, November 5th]